Cracking The Code

New love, ain't it grand? Well, actually, from where I'm standing, no it ain't. It's more of a twist in the gut thank you very much. Oh, but they're being very subtle about it, my Captain and her Commander; as befits their exalted position. You'd have to be watching them very carefully to see that they're having their own, very private conversation. Unfortunately for me I've found them out, I've cracked their code.

They've only touched each other half a dozen times, not bad for a party they have been out for two hours now. But it's what those touches mean that really matters, every one is an affirmation of their feelings, a crucial piece in a puzzle of seduction. And it's not just the touches either, it's the looks, the smiles - especially from her. The look they shared just a moment ago was the most explicit yet, it said, 'let's give this half an hour longer and then lets get out of here and do something far more interesting instead.'

This wasn't meant to happen, this wasn't meant to effect me at all, except for a certain smug satisfaction and bringing in a few more replicator rations. How was I meant to know that just the thought of him touching her would fill me with a sense of irrational rage, jealousy I suppose. Ironic? Like hell.

So, the million dollar question is what should I do. I've thought about telling her, for a few giddy moments I even imagined that she'd share my feelings, throw herself gratefully into my arms and that we would live happily ever after. And then I woke up and smelt the coffee. What would I say to her anyway?

'Kathryn,' Gods, I don't think I could say her name without stumbling over it, 'you're making a terrible mistake, we ought to be together.' Or something along those lines.

And what would she say in response? Would she be angry, or sympathetic? Would she remind me about my alleged happy relationship with B'Elanna; or would she tactfully ignore that and point out that she is my Captain and I am merely an Ensign with a certain reputation? No, she wouldn't even do that, she wouldn't need to, all she'd have to do was tell me that she was in love with Chakotay - and I know that already.

We all knew it would happen eventually, whatever she might think about it Kathryn Janeway has never struck me as someone who finds celibacy easy. But I don't think anyone was really expecting it to be Chakotay.

His feelings for her have never been secret, not like mine, a secret even from me until it was too late, but she never gave one single indication that she returned them. So, we were all expecting a liaison with someone we came across in passing, an unhappy separation when it was time to move on, or even a tragic ending. We were prepared for that, we were prepared to help Chakotay through it, to watch him fling himself at every good looking blond in the Quadrant in an attempt to get her out of his system. But not this, that one day she would simply decide that they could have a relationship - and that they'd be walking around wearing matching grins for a week.

Sore loser? You could say that if I'd ever put up a fight - but the truth is I didn't realise until it was too late. I didn't recognise that thinking her love interest would be someone who was ultimately disposable was less threatening than having to face that it was the man sitting in the next chair.

I knew I should have left him in that underground chamber six years ago. What did I say, 'your life is mine?' Yeah - right. I should have made that, 'I want you to stay right away from Kathryn Janeway.'

They're leaving, slipping away with a nod towards discretion, but more concerned with watching each other than with who might be watching them. It's only going to be a matter of time before they go public, tonight was just a testing of the waters. The crew are going to be delighted... and not just because they'll find it amusing that the Captain is having sex.

As for me, well, I'll be watching them, watching her, from the sidelines and hoping for an unhappy ending.

The End