9.21.00
I'd like to say I used him. I'd like to say that I tried to make my boytoy, and I succeded, but I'd be lying. And in the end, he hurt me.
In the beginning, it was all a game, I was just looking for something to do, I was bored... and I know you think that sounds wrong, but that's how it happend... maybe I'm learning a bit too much from Gill, but then again, maybe not. I was playing with him, and he started playing back, and all the while I wondered if maybe the only reason he was with me was because I started it.
He was just so fuckin' gentle, so kind, so ready to devote his life to me. I made a mistake, THE mistake when it comes to these things. I fell for him. Two weeks ago, it started, adn i was training him, last night it ended, and I was begging him to stay.
He was just so fuckin' gentle. it took about 4 days, and suddenly, I couldn't wait to talk to him, I thought abotu him all the time. For the first tiem in my life, I couldn't turn it off, I couldn't stop the feelings. I fell for the bastard. And I payed dearly for starting it all.
He was just so fuckin' gentle. He didn't even want sex, or anything like that, he liked the feling, to know there was someone he could hold dear and tell them about it, and she'd never look at him in disgust for it. 6 days ago he realized he was using me for that feeling, but by then, it was too late for me.
He cried when we broke up. I cried when we broke up. Maybe I deserved it. After all, I did try to use him... and I didn't know then, but he had me from the start.
Maybe I need help. Something about the feeling of my own blood trailing down my forearm excites me. The sensation of the silver beauty of the blade slicing into my arm is unreal. A thin line of red set between the chinese characters of "honor" and "eternity" gradually runs over, caressing the black ink, cutting through it with red slashes. The calm peace of virtue laced with the unrelnting fire of violence and hatred. The singing of the speakers in the background just completes the picture.
"Cause you're a God, and I am not, and I just thought that you would know."
Red trails of troubles drip off my fingertips. Honor eternally just a memory under the long red lines dripping down my arm. I close my eyes, bloody tears falling from my hand as salty ones flow down my cheeks and kiss my lips.
Maybe I need help.
I've never been so ashamed of something I want. James asked me how I was today, and I was temped to say i was sick. Just sick, of life.
All my life the only thing I really wanted was to do something good enough for someone to pat me on the head and say "good job kid." You know? all I ever really wanted was to be accepted. As I've gotten older, the only thing I erally wanted was to be held at the end of an exciting day and comforted, all I've ever wanted really, is to be tolerated, accepted, loved, but I've never gotten anything like that. I've always been ashamed of wanting that. I'm a tomboy, I'm supposed to be fridgid. I'm not supposed to care, but how many times have I wished someone would care, anyone, just a little bit. I just dont want to always be so alone.
How far does life go? can you measure it in miles? or in centimeters? What does life coem from? Where does it go? Is it a journey, or a stop on the way to something better? Or maybe it's not a journey, Maybe it's just a dream... maybe all life is is a series of dreams and nightmares, and all the good dreams are what it's really like. Or maybe we'er all part of someone else's dream, Hell, maybe we're all a part of yours... I know people have used that little theory before, but I'm between naps right now and not very happy about it. I have never judged a situation without knowlege, and I have never judged a person. People change, people have bad days and people have good ones and all people are different. Whether or not you believe me, i do not judge, simply because I know what it's like to be judged, and I'd think so do all of you. When i created my site, back in '96 (yes, 96, and this color scheme? Yeah, it was my original home page color scheme, back in 5th grade) I created it for a reason. I created it to have fun, but I realize now that as long as there are people not secure enough in themselves to believe, I can't have my fun. This site is full of jokes and kiddings and fun stuff like that, but the moment someone decides to ruin that by going out of their way to hurt me... fun's over.
11:16 am
I fell for him. And I want him back.
9.22.00
1:50 pm
9.22.00
3:09pm
9.22.00
8:06 pm
10.15.00
10:01 pm
God bless the Mets. Ya gotta believe. New York, home of the house that Ruth built, and the 2000 Subway series.
10.23.00
4:38 pm
Friendship is sacred. There are those among us who don't see that. True friendship can never be tampered with, never be tainted with the poison of lies and deception. for all other friendships however, the moment of truth, when one is no longer a companion to be trusted, but an unhappy moment in the series of moments we call life.
"Kiss your mother, your brother, and your significant other, and give your best friend a hug for me, because today is a day for dreamers, today is a day for freedom."
12.21.00
6:24 pm
There is a time for each of us to swallow our intentions and our childhoods and face the troubles of the world as they present themselves. These past few months have shown me petty feuds, betrayal and childish stubborness, to the point where it's be come dangerously clear that we have to learn to grow up in order to survive.
Just the other day one of my best friends, in an attempt to put herself above the rest of us announced quite blatently that she didn't care what we, her friends thought or felt. Obviously, we were not friends. If perhaps we could realize our mistakes before we made them, people wouldn't be hurt so much.
I spent one day in school this week. It wasn't really my fault. They made me stay home. On the first day they pulled me out of school, the second they took me to see a specialist, the third... ok well, that wasn't my fault, it was too tempting, they were giving me everything I wanted, I had to play the sympathy card one more time, not for me, but for the sake of all the kids out there who would rather die than miss a chance like this. I did it of the hookie playing teenager deep within me, and I did it for my parents, because it bothered them that this seemed to have no effect on me at all. and above all, I did it for my brothers, who never got a chance like this.
After all, how many times are you struck with a potentially terminal disease?
01.12.01
10:34 pm
The greatest danger of all is not the one who can hurt you the most, it's the one you never thought was capable of hurting you... think about that one... it's smart.
Ya know, I KNOW no one's really taken the time to read any of this. There are very few people who know or care about the kind of thoughts that run through my head. Then there are the scarce few who think like me... scary as that thought is for the rest of humanity. Not saying i'm special or anything, but it's true. Some people don't find it easy to relate to me.... the rest find it imposible.
Forget what you know, forget the rules you've learned, forget what is. Could you forget...and still live to tell the tale? or go mad at it's strangling hold on your mind? Could you let go of the bonds that keep you? If it were agaisnt the rules to love or to laugh, would then you take action against this? What will it take? what would you do, if you were free to do what you would?
...And yet still, for some it is against the rules to love, and what then? They do nothing. They don't see. They don't see the cage. what would you do, if that rule applied to you? would it stop you?
To this day it stops people I know, and even myself. All in the damned name of decency.
It doesn't matter what the hell I say, no body's listening anyway.
02.16.01
6:34 pm.
You know, there's something so horribly wrong with being so completely misunderstood by someone you would trust with your very life.
Now, I seldom mention names here, but This is starting to get on my nerves. and I hope he reads this before too long.
Perhaps I've changed since the last time we talked face to face, but what my friendship has become with Peter makes me sick. we never talk anymore, because for some reason or another he thinks that I'm upset over his dumping me. That was months ago. I mean come on. I get dumped a lot. When 2 weeks can be an eternity, does he actually think I'm affected by what happened between us 6 months ago?
I don't know what i did. Perhaps it's my fault. Everything 'round here seems to be. trouble follows whereever I go, and I jsut keep moving. What happened happened, it's not gonna change, and he's so concerned with bothering me about it. Ya know what? screw it. I just want my friend back. I didn't know that came with so much trouble.
I love that guy, and i mean, how could anyone not? but I'm not in love with him, and if he ever asked me out again I'd probably whole heartedly refuse. I don't like what he's become to me. I don't like the feeling I get when I know he's keeping things from everyone. I hate the feeling I get when I know he's keeping things from me because he doesn't want to upset me.
02.16.01
8:54 pm.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for who I am and how I think and all the things I can't do.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to hurt people, I don't mean to sound cotradicting, I don't mean to be helpless, I don't mean to be the caretaker, I don't mean to be me.
But that's who I am. And I'm sorry, because I know that's hard for people to accept. But I've never been this lonely. I've never thought of tomorrow and known no one would call for me, no one would think of me, no one would miss me. I've never felt like I was the only person left.
It's the feeling you get right in the middle of your chest, like someone just dropped a brick on your ribs. You can't move, you can hardly think. But you're all alone. And when you're all alone, no one can hear you crying.
03.16.01
11:38 pm
This morning I looked into the mirror and I saw myself there and I looked closely at the way my hair fell on my shoulders, examined the way my shirt fit over my shoulders and looked carefully at my eyes and my lips and my nose with the tiny scar across the bridge.
Looking at myself in the mirror I said to myself "wow, I'm pretty."
I've never said that to myself before.
Just thought I'd share.
03.16.01
6:56 pm
My mother told me I should be ashamed of myself because I'm not normal. My best friend thinks I'll be single forever and every insentive to live has gone out of me. Nothing is worse than days like this. I've got no future and no past and no one who knows when or why I came here.
I can't say I understand what it is that makes me this way, why I can't read or pay attention or why I hate myself like I do.
My Universe
