Wot chew mean, Ali? Gonna fight fer the Taliban? Yer orf yer bleedin' 'ead! Come on let's git this van of yours loaded an' stop muckin' about.
It's all right for you, Cecil. You haven't got links calling you across centuries of oppression. The blood of my fathers runs deep in my veins.
You've never been the same since yer did that Video course at Barnfield College, 'ave you Ali? All them pretty little things runnin' about wiv no clothes on has set yer mind ter barmy ness. I told yer at the time yer never should 'ave come in that pub wiv the rest of us. Even if yer did only 'ave a big glass 'o that lemonade. An' as fer links, wot about my poor old grandfather? Careful, Cecil. You nearly dropped that nice new American computer in your anxiety. Both of us should have lifted that together. That's my first drop and if the old bag that has to sign for it saw any damage on the packing it would put me out for the day. You always get like that when you speak of your grandfather.
You dint 'ave a grandfather that was shoved out of Scotland by the English did yer, Ali? You never 'ad no one of yourn boiled in oil, just fer commercial gain.
Now then, Cecil. Calm down. There's forty more of those computers to load and if we don't get a move on it will be time for my prayers again. I can't help it if my grandfather got a nice pension from the British can I?
Prayers an' a pension, Ali. You've got it made. A nice little wife that dotes on yer every whim and walks ten feet behind yer so yer allus feels like a king and you want ter go an' git yer balls blown orf fer the Taliban? Yer barmy, Ali. Barmy.
You do not understand the pressures on Asian families at times like these, Cecil. I would have thought that you being a Scot would have tried to right the wrong done to your grandfather as soon as you were big enough to carry a gun.
Right the wrong wiv a gun, Ali? Guns don't do no good, not when yer fightin' the British Establishment. Shoot one of 'em fer boilin' me grandfather an' fifty more come out o' the woodwork ter tell yer it was all 'is own fault while they hang yer.
Was it all his own fault, Cecil? - Careful! That washing machine had better go in next. If we lay it on its back it will slide up against the cab nicely.
Acourse it wasn't 'is own fault, Ali. 'E got dumped down 'ere in England wiv the new Luton factory an 'e slipped 'cos there was no health and safety mob loose in them days. A no-win, no-fee lawyer would 'ave their guts fer garters terday. Millions 'e would 'ave got. Millions. - 'Ang on a minit! You keep on talkin' about me grandfather just ter keep me from findin' out wot you're up to. I would not stoop so low as to do anything like that, Cecil. I have examined my heart and I can do nothing else but go to Afghanistan to join the Taliban. They at least would understand me. They all have Mother- in- Laws too.
It's bleedin' Barnfield College again, ennit, Ali? I told yer not to buy all that Video gear. That camera you bought was mega money alone- wait a minit. Don't tell me that yer was still keepin' it in the back of yer mate's car. Don't tell me that yer tried ter video that Asian weddin' wivout yer missus knowing?
I did, Cecil, and it all went wrong. If I had never let you persuade me to go to that college with you, it would never have happened. Coming to Luton has been a complete disaster. They don't have colleges like Barnfield in Sheffield. That is where I should have settled.
Don't tell me that you got found out. Ali.
The wedding went well enough, Cecil. It lasted for three days and my camera broke on the last day when I was videoing the bride's mother. I thought that my mother-in -law was bad, but this one breathed fire! Real flames came out of her mouth when the camera broke- don't look at me like that, Cecil. I saw them as plain as day.
You should have been alright, Ali, 'cos no one knew you was on the job wiv a secret camera. You should 'ave just coughed politely an' slipped out the door wiv a cake in yer 'and.
Oh, I tried, Cecil. I tried. But when I got home my wife's mother was waiting for me with a big club.
'Ow come, Ali? She wornt there so 'ow could she 'ave known? Unless that mate of yourn got caught wiv all your stuff in the back of 'is car.
That is how life is if you are Asian, Cecil. You can't do anything without the whole community knowing. They even knew that I was in the Parrot Pub when it was attacked by that gang of Asian youths chanting Bin- Laden, Bin- Laden.
Wot the 'ell were you doin' in a place like that, Ali? You ain't gorn reel football- queer ave yer? I just can't picture you rootin' fer some football team- but still, anything's possible after going ter Barnfield College. I often catch mesself wantin' ter stop strange women in the street an' ask 'em if they would pose in the nude for me! I 'ad ter go ter one o' them psycologits ter git out of it.
I had no choice, Cecil. Of course I took a cake and ran for it when the camera broke. The thing was filled with the strongest curry that I have ever encountered. I had to take a bite as the bride's mother was expecting an explanation and you can't reply with a full mouth. I gagged and entered the welcome arms of the Parrot pub for a big glass of lemonade. I was in there only for a minute when all hell broke loose.
Sounds like all them lads had been at Barnfield College as well, Ali. This war is doin' no one no good. All I can think of is them little kids and women getting hurt by all the bombs. Bloody crazy bombing people and then dropping food parcels ennit? Yes, Cecil. I wasn't going to fight anyone. What I would love to do is take this van and drive over there with bandages and things.
Then it ain't yer mother -in -law that's got yer on the run, Ali. You've gorn all humanitarian. I told yer neither of us would be the same after a course at Barnfield College.
My mother-in -law has concentrated my thoughts, Cecil. It will do the old bat good to yell at the empty air for a while.
My old woman keeps naggin' fer a new three-piece suite. Only four thousand quid on easy terms, she says. It would do her good ter sit on our old settee fer a while, especially if she sits on that spring that's coming out o' the cushion. Tell yer wot. I'm comin' wiv yer. Let' git this ole van of yourn unloaded an' load up wiv some o' Sainsbury's stuff. Their warehouse is only next-door.
OK, Cecil. We could be gone before anyone notices.
We'll end up in the slammer, Ali. Our firm, United Electric and ole Sainsbury's ain't gonna take humanitarianism lyin' down. They'll git the book thrown at us.
Do you really care, Cecil?
No, Ali. A time in the slammer can't be worse than mother-in laws or naggin' wives. Let's git on wiv it.
Have you got twenty pounds on you for our fake passports, Cecil?
Yeah! I got a few fake notes from Old Luggie at Sunday's car boot. Should take us there an' back wiv no trouble.
I'll just go into the storeroom and say a prayer, Cecil. Then we had best be off.
by Richard Walker
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