love: One thing I must not forget is that she did love me immensely.. up until the time she died. Even though she had criticism of my personality, my weaknesses, etc. it is always a wonder she loved me!
Well, not romance.. perhaps. But certainly love. Love as you love your loved ones. I am sure you understand.
realizations: First, that Allah has been especially good to me all these years since I married her. So good that it should be a surprise God hasn't changed my luck form good to bad in so long a time. Not it's come! My wife and I has become so accustomed to thinking that we were smart people. We go to a doctor when sick.. not to a medicine man. We were so sure we did the right thing and we relied on modern medications. we feel secure... Now I have to see disappointment.. and realizations that all depends on God's willing. Trawakkal is the word. Ten days after her death, I am overwhelmed with sense of guilt, regret, sadness and anger, for not fulfilling my duty.. not doing enough.. This self condemnation is for my being ineffectual, clumsy and slow.. in contrast to my wife's sureness of judgment, and swift actions in the face of medical emergencies.
manjanguak: Urang manjanguak iyo sabana rami waktu si Mala maningga tu. Banyak nan manangih. saluruh masyrakat baruah abih datang kasadonyo. kawan-kawannyodi PKK baruah abi datang. kawan-kawan ambo datang pulo, dan banyak nan maagiah nasihat-nasihat untuka manyabakan ambo. diantaronya nan sangaik paralu dikana-kana: Tuan Acan: "Sagalo nan dipalajari salamoko.. iyo bana baamakan andaknyo kini tu." mukasuiknyo di agamo disuruah saba kalau mandapek musabah. Tuan Padomanggih: "Baubek tu sabanayo 'sunat' tibonyo hukumnyo. Indak wajib bagai do. Dek ubek indak kamanyanangkan do." Uda Rul (Mantari): "Kalau pun panyakik si Mala tadeteksi saja awal.. taroklah pado malam Jumat katiko tibo-tibo inyo maraso 'takilik' di paruik tu.. ado dokter iternist di tampek tu.. tantu awak ka mangiro anyo bisa tatolong.! Tapi indak! kalau Tuhan alah ka manjapuiknyo.. nan ajal indak bisa ditunda walau sadatiak pun. Walaupun banyak dokter ahli maadokinyo. Jadi kalau di kana-kana juo baa mangko indak begini-begitu, panyasalan nan tumbuah.. bisa emosi awak." Tek Majidah: "Kalau pun sempat dioperasi.. badannyo lah rusak.. maabhkan biaya sajo.. nan aja indak dapek ditulak. Untuang indak dioperasi." Deni, katiko ambo manyatokan susah untuak basaba, dalam arti manarimo takdir Tuhan. Ambo maraso Mala maningga bisa karano kelalaian awak: "Dari sisi ajal kematiannya itu harusnyo mudah untuak dipahami.. tapi dari sisi awaknyo.. dari sisi tanggung jawab awak nan mungkin kurang tapanuhi.. bisa tajadi panyasalan: bukan manyasali kematian tapi menyesali dari sisi kelalaian awak (yang mungkin atau pasti ado)." Masalah diateh dijawab oleh Yardi: "Itu berati awak harus banyak bersistigfar. Itu sajo kasimpulannyo. Minta ampun lah ka Tuhan ateh kakurangan dan kalalaian awak." Itulah nasihat-nasihat atau pandangan-pandagan nan diagiah oleh kawan-kawan dakek ambo, nan banyak manolong manguaikkan iman di wakatu susah dan sadiah ko. Alhamdulilah.
sms: From: Wisnani 19/7/04 22:42 Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raaji'uun. Turut berduka atas berpulangnya adinda Mala tercinta. Semoga keluarga yg ditinggalkan tabah menghadapinya =wz
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From: Wisnani 19/7/04 23:08 Allah lebih menyayangi add Mala. Mala dipanggil lebih dahulu. Semoga sanak kuat dantabah. Uni mhn dimaafkan kalau ada kata2 yg talongsong kpd Mala.
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From Mak Ngah
.ntar dicari dulu.
saat-saat terakhir: Saat-saat terakhir Susmala
Pain. ( I am omitting references to medical aspect as remembrance of incompetence is pain itself)
That is her last. She was truly in pain in her last days. And I felt such terrible and whole guilt about it. I thought I was the cause of all her sufferings. I was so sorry I did not or could not help her enough. It was my gulit her desease was not properly diagnosed.. that she had to give birth in a clinic and not in a hospital.
Her pain was most acute in these times:
+ Thursday afternoon for three to four hours until the child was delivered. I had never seen her, or anyone else for that matter, in such pain. She asked to be anesthetized but was refused by the nurse. I am not sure that such pain was normal, was it called for? Acceptable? How could she have endured? And did she really had to?
+ Friday evening at about eleven oclock + Saturday morning, parents came. Some relief with help from kak ema. Shock came back at noon. + Saturday afternoon: she was moved to hospital at 18:00 + Saturday evening untill 21:00 she still felt acute pain and ask for some relief from hospital nurses
Sunday morning, during the day, and until afternoon.. she only became weaker and waker... she probably fet the pain less. I was at PMI a call came from hospital to return to her bed at ICU At 14:30 she urged me to hurry to return to PMI ad fetch blood. She was not taking in any more blood, and suddenly felt that I was losing her. That she was going.. for ever... And my first sense of guilt at that time was toward my children for not bringing their mother back home. At about 16:00 I asked for her forgiveness.. she indicated yes with a movement of her head and eyes. Last movement of her eyes as the doctor checked. She passed away at about 17:00, Sunday 18 July 2004.
The way I saw her then, was that she was falling into an abyss.................... And I was only pulled back by realization that she was not falling but ascending to heaven.. and I MUST see her again... and ask her forgiveness again.. in full.. in lengthy and no-bar-hold conversations.. because I am certain that despite her criticism of my faults.. she loves me. I always feel that she is waiting for me just beyond the doot.
