ROSS: Well, now that's an interesting question, Jack. You really know how to cut right to the heart of the matter, don’t ya? I like that in a interviewer… or is it "channeler?" I mean I don’t want to offend you or anything. ‘Cause you know how flight attendants are when you call them stewardesses accidentally. Or even if they are men then they used to be stewards but now they’re flight attendants. Heck, I don’t see what the difference is they do the same job and no matter what you call them they never come anyway. You can ring that little bell till the cows come home and they just sit back there in that little kitchen ignoring….
JACK: Uh, Mr. Perot?
JACK: The Millennium bug?
ROSS: Oh, yeah… Well the interesting thing about the millennium bug is that nobody really knows what it is, Jack. See it’s in the computer, so it’s real tiny. It is so tiny that you couldn't even see it with a microscope! And that is why it is such an insidious thing. See it is so small that it can only hold two numbers. And that is why when the year changes to two thousand it will not even know what century it is. So it is small and it is dumb. And that is a bad combination!
JACK: How do we solve the problem? Can the government help?
ROSS: No the government can’t help! They’re just gonna mess it up worse! First thing they’ll do is try and throw money at it. And this thing does not respond to money. I know that sounds unbelievable but that is what my experts tell me.
JACK: You have experts working on this?
ROSS: I have assembled a team of the world’s finest minds to help get our country through this mess. I ain’t spendin’ no seventy billion dollars like I did on the presidential race but I have invested a sizable amount. And these experts are the world’s best! They come from all over. Heck, we’ve even got a guy from Indiana! Can you believe that, Indiana? Who woulda thought that there would be anybody in Indiana that knew anything about computers at all! When you think of Indiana, you don’t think computers, you think… well I don’t know what you think… corn or something, but not computers or anything like that. Maybe tractors or fertilizer or something...
JACK: Uh, Mr. Perot…. Excuse me but is there any particular thing we should be concerned about happening in regard to the Y2K bug?
ROSS: Well we've already gone through Seinfeld goin' off the air and we came through that okay, so we must be leadin’ a charmed life already. But Y2K could effect the computers in some machines in different ways. Like cash registers and that could have a disastrous effect on the economy. But as long as you still got real people dealin’ and takin’ away peoples money and most Americans spending it as fast as they can hand it to ‘em it looks to me that you people don’t have too much to worry about.
JACK: So you’re sayin’ we should be doing nothing?
ROSS: Exactly! Your mind functions like a well oiled machine, don’t it? That’s exactly what I propose. We don’t do nothin’! You can’t prepare for a problem that you don’t know if it’s gonna happen or not! Half the experts think that there’s gonna be a Y2K problem and the other half don’t! So I say that we sit down and wait this thing out. Then we deal with it! I got the idea from watchin’ congress. For the first time that I can think of Congress has the right idea. We don’t do nothing. I know that sounds radical but it’s the right thing to do.. or not to do? I guess it’s like that age old question, "Is doin’ nothin’, somethin’? See what I mean, Jack?
ROSS: Do you get headaches from a lack of oxygen? It's simple! I have even set up an eight hundred number to explain it to the people and find out what they think. It’s 800-684-1238. If you think I know what I'm talkin' about or even if you think that you know what I'm talkin' about or even if you just want to talk about it call 800-684-1238. That's "One, dash, eight-hundr...
JACK: Uh, Mr. Perot?
JACK: On another subject… are you going to run for president in 2000?
ROSS: Heck yeah! I’m always running for president! But only if the people want me to do it! Last time I got nineteen percent of the vote and I didn’t even run the whole time! But I need more than nineteen percent! That won’t cut the mustard! But I figure after the people get tired of that bore Gore and that George Bush clone they’ll come bangin’ at my door. I just hope I’m home! For their sake, I mean. I mean it’d be a real shame if they drove all the way over there, I mean… I live pretty far out in the country, y’know. Not too far from where I was born. My daddy moved there when he wasn’t hardly fourteen years old…
JACK: Uh, Mr. Perot?
JACK: So will you be announcing that you’re running for president?
ROSS: Well actually no, Jack. Not just yet anyhow, I mean I like you and all but I gotta save something that big for Larry King. He’s coast to coast, y’know? But I will give you some tickets to my show.
JACK: Your show?
ROSS: That’s right, I got me a standup comedy act goin’ on right now! I am using an alter ego by the name of Jack Mayberry. Kinda catchy ain’t it? I mean the whole "Mayberry RFD" thing and all… and Opie and Barney and everything…
JACK: So you’re doing comedy under the stagename, "Jack Mayberry."
ROSS: Nothin’ gets by you does it? That’s right, J-A-C-K-M-A-Y-B-E-R-R-Y! I’ve got a show tonight at eight o’clock! And then Saturday night at eight o’clock, too. And then Sunday night we don’t have a show but it woulda been at eight o’clock, too if we had.
JACK: Well, I’ll certainly be there! I can’t wait to see you do standup comedy.
ROSS: Yeah, me neither! The roar of the greasepaint and the smell of the crowd! Let me at ‘em! I'm funny! And poignant, too! The other night I moved a feller to tears.
ROSS: Well, I was standin’ on his foot but that’s besides the point! Most people that have seen me have said that they'd rather hear me sing than eat!
ROSS: Well, Some of 'em have heard me eat!
JACK: Well, thanks for being channeled, Mr. Perot.
ROSS: Thank you, Jack and remember "Y2K means, Do Nothin’ Today!" But come to my show tonight! And don't forget to call my eight hundred number! It’s 800-684-1238. Remember that's 800-684-1238. That's a one and an eight hundred, a six, then a eight...
JACK: Mr. Perot?
ROSS: ...then a four, then a one...
JACK: I'm turning off the recorder.
ROSS: ...and a two, three, eight!
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