Tales from the Rails

EPIC ADVENTURES ON BOARD THE SKYTRAIN (1)

May 7, 1998 FREE RIDES, WHEELCHAIRS & THE ART OF THINNER (2) No need for alarm sir, that fine rankness that hangs in the air and sucks the tar right out of your lungs is not leaking train fuel. It's just the nice lady over there sucking on her toilet roll. (3) Well that's no way to treat a toilet roll. If I bothered to count there'd be 40 maybe 50 good wipes hanging out of her mouth. Now travelling with a toilet roll for emergency purposes, random craps, the odd bastard, unruly child picking your nose, that all makes sense. But commuting in broad daylight with a fumigating mass of moist, stained and tethered bum wipe dripping off your chin is not exactly my idea of rail etiquette or appropriate use of the royal scroll. (4) Bathe the wad in paint thinner and no doubt the lady's going for a ride. (5) Credit where due, the intoxicating blend of turpentine and 4-ply may not be so fancy, but it gets the job done in a manner all who travel within 40 feet of you can appreciate. (6) And theyÕll respect you even more when you show them the dramatic savings you scored buying toilet roll by the kilo at Cosco's. Not to mention the Canadian Tire Bucks you earned buying the really good paint thinner, that shit everyone's seen on TV, that'll melt the hide off a Bull Elephants ass. (7) Yep, you're no fool. You know as a rule, no-one has to pay to ride the Skytrain if they can demonstrate a complete inability to communicate with the guy asking to see your ticket. (8) This procedure of course is dramatically enhanced by clearly fixing your eyes on your happy place while frothing turp doused shit rags through your hemorrhaging gums. (9) Not for everyone, and certainly not appropriate for small children, however, before dying suddenly, most users report a tremendous improvement with acne related problems. (10) For those who find it all somewhat distasteful, and demand a more leisurely approach, try the same disconnected disposition while perched in a wheelchair the size of a small third world country. (11) Most people relish the opportunity to demonstrate their olympic prowess as they fight not only a moving trains inertia, but your fucking wheelchair. Be sure you've entirely blocked one end of the car. Then smile and wave frantically as your chair footrails snare and snap the delicate ankles of small, old Asian woman. Remembering of course ONLY to snare small, old Asian woman. Should they recover from the concussion triggered by the fall, they're not likely to kick the crap out of you. (12) However, should one assume the Stork position, either apply the bum wipe and turpentine procedure, or shake your head in disgust and exclaim...Hey, back off, I'm a fucking cripple, you insensitive bastard! (13) Take care. (14) Transit Guy You're beacon of truth and justice on the open rail (15)

Footnotes and Exegesis:

(1) Chris commutes most days on Vancouver's public transit system, called SkyTrain (because a good part of it is above ground).

(2) Date and title of this story, or rant.

(3) Chris writes this story, or rant, as an address to an imaginary "sir". The genius of this piece of literature is that its one-sided conversation mimics the very people he detests.

(4) It's difficult to ascertain the meaning of these phrases. Literally he is observing someone chewing toilet paper soaked in solvent. His diversion hinges on the unacceptability of this use of toilet paper. He offers situations where toilet paper would be acceptable on public transit (children, unexpected bowel movements, etc.). The ambiguity is whether it's the "40 maybe 50" squares of toilet paper that are hanging out of this woman's mouth that are unacceptable, or whether it's because they are "moist, stained and tethered".

(5) The woman is stoned.

(6) An unusual use of the word "appreciate". The "you" marks a shift in the relationship between the story-teller and reader. At this point the woman becomes the addressee of the story. We, the readers, having started as "sir" are now addressed as solvent-soaked toilet paper-sucking freaks.

(7) Chris muses on the possible savings of buying bulk, at Cosco, or bonus store money, the Canadian Tire Bucks. The meaning is unclear. Is he implying that we (now the solvent-sucking woman) are cheap -- or prudent?

(8) SkyTrain operates on a semi-honour system. No one checks your ticket as you board, but there are spot inspections.

(9) "Your happy place": stoner's gaze. "Hemorrhaging": apparently the woman was bleeding from the gums.

(10) The mention of death provides closure for the first part of the story, or rant. What the acne-related problems are are not specified. This pivotal sentence allows the story, or rant, to shift into the turbo-enhanced overdrive of nonsense of the second half with the questionable correlation of solvent abuse and improvement of "acne-related problems".

(11) The woman was, apparently in a wheelchair.

(12) This directions to the reader (addressed as a solvent-soaked toilet paper-sucking freak) are based on observations of actual behaviour. Chris appears at this juncture to have assumed the character of being a trainer of the solvent-soaked toilet paper-sucking freaks. His positioning of himself as story-teller has moved from politeness ("sir") to animosity (we are the freak) to our mentor (he gives us suggestions on how to act).

(13) These suggestions to the reader are not based on actual events but follow naturally from the previous sentences. He moves from the present (this is what you do...) to an imaginary future (If someone...) As a trainer, or someone who understands freaks, these are words of wisdom.

(14) A clever little sentence. It is ambiguous whether this is final direction to his pupils, or his signing off from his missive.

(15) Chris signs himself as "Transit Guy" and gives himself the tag line: "You're beacon of truth and justice on the open rail". The mispelling of "Your" suggests that he is as mad, or has become as mad, as the rest of them.