November 26, 2001

I’m madly in love with you. 

What a way to start anything eh?  The really shitty thing about the statement is that I don’t really know what I feel anymore.  Sometimes I really, really like you.  Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about you.  You’re the last thing I think about before I fall asleep and talking to you is the first thing I think about when I wake up.  Does that mean anything though?  I don’t know what anything means anymore.  I have had my head in the clouds for so many years now that I don’t know what is real.  I have this imaginary life in my head where I always know what true love is and I am always in love with the perfect guy.  I couldn’t explain to you what true love is though or how the perfect guy is.  Why?  I couldn’t even tell you.  It’s just that he’s perfect.  Probably the most perfect thing about him is the fact that he’s madly in love with me.  It’s that feeling of being totally and unconditionally loved, the fact that his world revolves solely around me.  It’s that feeling that I want.  That’s the feeling that I want and that’s the feeling that I look for but I am being foolish.  How will I ever know someone else’s true feelings when I don’t even know my own? 

            So is it that when I think I like you it’s because I really want to have this feeling that I have in my head?  Or is it that when I don’t like you it’s because you really are too young.  Should any of it matter anyway?  I know I do like you because I love to talk to you.  I know I like you because I make excuses why I shouldn’t like you; why I shouldn’t call you.  I argue with myself whether I really do like you so I know that I must otherwise I wouldn’t have cared enough to argue with myself in the first place.  (My arguments are mind numbing enough even for the best of us).  But then the questions remains did I only like you to begin with because I thought you liked me and it makes it easier to like someone who already likes you. 

            Sometimes when I talk to you I’m not as scared as I used to be.  I don’t think about anything except that I am talking about you.  That’s different for me.  But is that just because of your age?

            I know I have come to conclusion.  I suppose I can’t really.  I just don’t know.  Maybe I can try again some other day.  I would have taken this further but my phone is going to ring any minute now. 

            Weirdest thing just happened thought I should tell you about.  Maybe it will have something to do with sorting things out in my head.  I am talking to this guy on ICQ and he asked me if I had a boyfriend.  I really felt like I should say yes, I started writing kind of but I had to take it back.  I just said no. 

            I wish I could just bring myself to go out with you just once.  Just so I could see what it was like.  Maybe it would change my indecisiveness.  Maybe I could make up my mind. 

When I think of you I think of how great you are going to be in two years.  It’s not the age difference between us that matters to me.  I am really not that superficial but you are still young.  I bet you don’t even know what you want in life except that you are lonely here, you want a girlfriend and think nothing else of it.  (I hate the fact that I assume that you like me).  And I am not saying that I am any wiser than you but I have made my choices in life and now I have to stick to them.  I have chosen to live a life without boyfriends and without sex and I now know what I want in life because I have had a lot of time to think about it.  What do I want you ask?  I want the fairytale romance.  I want to fall in love with someone almost at first sight and I want to get married, have 2.6 kids and live happily ever after.  I want to live the normal life that I never had in my teens.  I want to be able to wake up every morning, look in a mirror, smile at myself and know that I am truly happy.  I bet you aren’t ready for any of that.  I bet you don’t even think about it.  You’re too young for that because you still have a lot of experiences to go through first and I don’t want to be in the way of that.  I chose to void those experiences but it’s different for me because I did learn from other people’s mistakes.  Somehow I was able to do that and although sometimes I regret it other times I realise that I am missing out on a lot of things.  Sometimes I really want to take my decision back and lead a normal life of sex, drugs and rock and roll.  I think that I missed out on a first love and first heartbreak like it is something that everyone should experience.  Other times I just think that it isn’t too late and I could try all that now but then I feel silly.  I don’t want to have to explain to someone that I am more inexperience than all of my sisters.  I don’t want to tell someone that I have never even fallen in love.  That would be hard for me and I get embarrassed just thinking about it. 

So now you are wondering how I will ever get married if I am too embarrassed to tell someone that.  Well my answer would be that I am still living in that fantasy world where I will be so in love with him that it won’t matter.  And when I tell him he will be so in love with me and know me so well that he won’t even flinch because he already knew it anyway. 

Sometimes I wonder when the first time I knew I like you was.  I kind of remember the first time I saw you and I thought hmm…  Light hair, could be blonde, wonder if he has blue eyes (and I really think you do).  Then I thought you were young.  Everyone else was surprised that you were only 18 but I wasn’t, I just had this feeling.  I thought you were cute then.  I remember about a week or so after you started liking that you were working with me, even though I pretended not to.  I remember wanting so badly for you to work with me on Mondays and I was even going to try and convince but I lost the nerve.  And as I write that I know that was dumb of me because I know that if it had I would be so madly in love with you right now that I would never stop smiling.  I smile when I talk to you, when I know I am going to see you, and sometimes like right now when I am just thinking about you.  I have to ask myself sometimes though if it is actually you that I like or if it is the image of how I want you to be.  I don’t know if the reason why I barely know what you look like is because I am shy and can’t look at you or if it’s because I know if I look for too long then I will find faults like I always do. 

I wonder if when this is all over and I go home if I am going to miss you.  If I really go away next year will I miss you?  And how long will it last because this has happened before and I usually got over the guy pretty quickly. I wonder if the same thing would happen with you.  If you would just slowly fade out of my mind until I only ever thought of you when someone brought you up?  That’s what always happens.  I have a feeling it would with you but I don’t know for sure.  I don’t want to.  I can’t shake the feeling though that you are just like the rest of them.  I really hope that you aren’t but how will I ever know because I will end up doing the same thing with you that I do with everyone else.  I have this bad habit of pushing people away by being a real bitch and I don’t know how to stop myself.  Maybe if I gave you this, if you knew what expect.  I think that would be the only way I could do it is if the guy already knew how I was.  I wish there was someone who could tell you so you could be prepared because I am never going to give you this. 

I wish I could be gutsier.  I wish that when someone read something I wrote that I didn’t feel like I was bearing my whole sole.  Like I would be less embarrassed if I really was standing in front of them naked.  Even a stupid story or poem that I wrote is the most embarrassing thing for me to let someone else read.  That’s why no one ever understands me no matter how much they think that they do.  Because no one has ever read everything that I have written.  And all those things say a lot for me.  Someday I would like someone to read all those things and then to just understand me, no questions asked. 

I guess this has turned into another huge Tracy rant.  Did you learn anything though?  I don’t think I did.  I don’t think I came to any conclusions do you?  I guess I have wasted another night of my life.  These things never amount to anything, I never figure anything out and I don’t know why I do them.  Yet, I can’t stop.  It’s almost like they do help me on some weird level.  I want to write to you or about you a lot.  Every day now I want to do this but I don’t.  I love telling people about you though and about how cute you are.  You are so cute.  You so deserve better than me.  And maybe that’s what it all boils down to.  I’m not good enough for anyone.