November 7, 2001

12:43 (My time)

            I went to the coffee house thing tonight with Curt and Mike, Sarah told us to come.  I liked it, it was interesting, I like listening to other people play guitar and sing.  I wish I could play guitar and sing.  I could write some really good songs if I could.  There was one guy there and he was awesome, he sang a Bob Dylan song and I wish I knew what it was called, I should have asked Curt maybe I will go look that up now.  I find these things to be inspirational and I wish that I had brought pen and paper with me cause I had some really good idea at the time and now they are all gone.  I always do that, at burnt black concerts I used to do the same thing.  Maybe if I put my headphones on and turn my music up really loud it will do the same thing. 

I just downloaded Masters of War when Eddie Veddar did it.  I love this song. 

So I was wondering and I was going to write this down so I could try and work out the feelings on my own.  So this guy, I knew he was coming to see me.  I waited and I waited.  I was really nervous about it and I kept looking around.  Then he came and it was like pouf like my heart stopped and my face fell.  Now was this because I liked the guy or because I was afraid that he liked me cause I don’t really like him.  I do like him, I think he’s a great guy, he makes me laugh which is important for me.  I like to talk to him, I like that I can be an idiot and for the most part he is laughing with me and directly at me.  Yet at times he seems too immature for me and I wonder if I continue being his friend if I’m going to get tired of him and not want to talk to him.  So if I know that this will probably happen does that mean that I should just stop talking to him now?  If that’s the case how will I know that this will happen?  What if this is me being stupid and someday I will realise that I am madly in love with guy.  But if I let this continue then it will inevitable end in the trap that is my life.  That is the trap where a guy gets to know me, realises he doesn’t really know me because why am I so fucked up and why do I keep fucking with his head with my stupid mind games.   Then it is at this point that for some stupid reason they decide they like me…I mean hell I don’t even smile.  So what do I do?  I don’t want to do what I used to do with Jesse every couple of months.  I don’t want to have to ignore because that’s mean and I don’t think I can do it anymore, let alone the fact that I don’t want to do it anymore.  I wish that I could just wake up one day and have grown up. 

As much as I have grown up in my life, as old as I am compared to so many other people I just can’t seem to grow up in some areas.  I am still a child when it comes to relationships and I just wish I could wake up and already have the experience that everyone else does.  Talking to Meaghan tonight made me realise that I have this huge complex problem.  I really do think that I’m tainted or something because of my lack of experience.  I think that guys don’t want people who are inexperience even though I do know that there are guys out there like Chris who would really have someone who is a virgin.  I just keep thinking, what are they thinking about me?  Do they think something is wrong with me because I have never even had a boyfriend??  Cause I know I sure as hell do think that.  What is wrong with me anyway?  Sure I can use the excuse that it’s because I have learned from my friends’ mistakes but what it boils down to is that I don’t get the offers.  So what is wrong with me?  Am I waiting for someone who doesn’t really exist?  I know that guys like me but I never like them and even the ones that I do like aren’t good enough for me.  I think I am stuck in this romantic idea that there is someone perfect out there for me, someone for just me and the first time I see him I will know.  The problem is if that romantic is true then I think I might have already met him and it could have possibly been twice.  But again I was dumb, too shy, and too afraid.  What does it really mean to fall in love?

What I don’t understand about relationships is: what is the point in dating someone if you don’t think that someday you might marry them.  If you’re stuck in my ideal there is no point at all until you meet the man you marry.  Then if you are dating him you are obviously in love, you want to marry him, so why aren’t you engaged and if you are engaged why aren’t you married, what is the point of waiting.  Why not get on with your life and start a family.  What?  You don’t want a family?  Then what was the point of getting married in the first place?  There is no life beyond that of having children.  I think I’m probably going to be one of those people who meet a guy, fall in love, and get married before we ever meet each other’s families.  I think I’m crazy enough, I think I’m stupid enough. 

Some days I want to fall in love.  Some days I don’t mind being me.  Lately there are more days when I want to fall in love and I think I might be getting to the point where I will pretend that I could fall in love with just about anyone.  I don’t want to be like that.  I don’t want to cast a veil of illusion over my own eyes.  I know I have had enough of the Yarmouth and I think that I have finally had enough of Wolfville.  I would like to come back here someday when I’m married or with someone.  I do like Wolfville and Yarmouth at that but for this point of my life it does me no good.  Since all I really want is to fall in love then this place is no good because I haven’t found him yet and the only guys coming in now are 18 and too young.  It is definitely time for me to move but really where should I go.  Could there possibly be someone for me as close as Halifax and I haven’t met him?  I hope not because that would only depress me in the long run. 

Regardless I think it might be time for me to go to bed.  I really have to start doing this earlier so I can go to bed a bit earlier.

1:40 (My time)