3:54pm- I didn't even get a chance to turn tears into poetry...

 

12:19 (my computers time)

I stole this from a web journal that I just happened upon on the Internet.  I don’t know what I was looking for really; I guess I was looking for inspiration because I need some of that.  I need to feel useful again and I need to be able to write.  My greatest source of inspiration was always the Internet; I always needed feedback to brighten my day and to encourage me to write.  I need that little push that teenyboppers always give because I can’t keep myself motivated about anything.  I wish I could finish something that I start, I mean really finish it like once it is done I could say hey, I’d like an editor to read this, I think I’m a swell writer.  Why don’t we have swell words like that, you know a word that just makes you giddy and you can’t help but let a little giggle escape when you hear it.  I wish I could change my life. 

I have decided to reconstruct my webpage but I am going to change to include me, myself and I.  I will add to it, I will change it, whenever I want.  And if I decide that I don’t want to do that then I won’t, I won’t force myself to do anything, mainly because I am lazy.  While I am writing I am also looking for mailing groups but I just can’t remember the names of any that I used to be in.  I am wondering if there are any for just writers, not fanfic writers or anything like.  As fun and exciting as those groups were I feel like I can move beyond that part of my life but I still really want the feedback because I no longer have friends who care what I write.  I know if I ever finished something, had it printed and given to them, then they might care but until then…  I hate people, I hate the fact that people don’t think like me and I hate the goddamn internet because it never seems to want to work for me when I really want it to.  Seriously though, it loads this same goddamn page everyday, you’d think it could at least do it by memory.  And so the world is on my side.  Not only did my internet just work but I also found the email groups I used to be in – Egroups of course…

I can’t wait to start my new webpage.  Not only will writing make me more creative but I love creating webpages and doing stuff with them.  I want to do the thing where the quotes run along the top of the page and stuff. 

I wish Lou would get off her lazy ass and start scanning pics so I can put them on our webpage.  I would really like to do that page for people that I used to talk to.  I like to give people things, I like the look on their face, I like them to think they are special.  I wish people understood that about me. 

I wish people would stop laughing at me because I don’t know how much longer I can handle.  I don’t know if I can carry on a normal life with everyone laughing at me. 

I think I could be a really cool person if I wasn’t so stupid.

I want to move on with my life.  I want to get past school; school aged children acting like three year olds, and the world of drugs and alcohol.  I want to begin a life of work, family, and writing.  All I really want is to be the center of someone else’s world. 

Is it too much to ask to be happy for the rest of my life.  I can even handle being miserable as long as I am happy first.  As long as everyday I can think of at least ten things to be really happy about, I won’t mind being miserable. 

I want to write for the rest of my life.  I want to learn my own technique and I want to be unique.  I want to be liked because like so many other people I don’t think highly of myself or my abilities.  I want to make people think or if people don’t want to think, they don’t have to.  I want to be that kind of a writer.  I don’t want to write stupid love stories but I don’t want to leave them out either.  They’re important.  Our worlds are centred around them.  I want to be in love. 

How can I write a true love story without ever having loved.  Sure I can imagine, take notes from movies and books but I want to write about me, all great writers write about themselves at some point, most begin with it.  I don’t have to begin with but I can’t ignore the fact that I have to do it sometime. 

I wish my life had been more important.  I wish I was able to take one moment from my life, blow it up, circle, the most important part and write that.  I wish I didn’t dream so much.

I wish I didn’t feel like this whenever Matchbox twenty is playing.  You know when you hear a song and you just want to pause, close your eyes, sing at the top of your lungs.  Let your hair down, let your head roll back, roll back and forth, bop a bit and you know there is a meaning there and you try to listening to what the song is saying but you really don’t want to know because you want to just capture that feeling for yourself, write it in your own words without knowing the other words.  And Damn I hear a line that I loved and that ruins the feeling for me.  Can you sing without ever hearing the words?? 

God have I mentioned lately that I hate the internet.  I also hate taking the lord’s name in vain.  I wish I didn’t do it so much cause it really makes me feel guilty and I hate to feel guilty. 

I wish I wasn’t letting my body fall to pieces again.  I wish I could make myself go to bed when I was really tired.  I think I feel like I would be missing something though.  I wish I could set priorities in my life and work towards goals like so many other people do.  I don’t even want to make it through university, I don’t even care anymore.  Now I have to though, I don’t want my parents to be disappointed in me.  It’s not so much that I care what people think about me, it’s just I don’t want them to feel like failures.  Do you understand?  Of course I have now degraded to talking to a computer screen.  It was one thing when I just wrote to it but now I am asking questions like I expect an answer.  Sometimes I do.  Save this song – Ode to Billy-Joe.  I love this song but I don’t care to talk about it right now.

It’s not that I don’t love to learn, I really do love, I just don’t need to prove to myself how much I learned.  Who’s idea was that anyway?  When I get married I want to marry a brilliant man so that I can just sit there and listen to him talk.  I like that.  I don’t want him to be one of those cocky smart guys though, just a laid back one who doesn’t really care that he knows everything in the world, more like a self-taught guy, you know?  Look at me writing to a screen again. 

I wish I had guts.  I just thought it would be wonderful to just make up this address and send these letters to them.  I wouldn’t put a name on the outside just the address of the house, that way someone might open the letter and read it.  That way that someone might be a really hot guy who would definitely fall in love with the way I write.  And I would keep sending letters like I knew that there was someone else at the other end receiving them, someone I knew.  Then when I was really gutsy I would ask why this person never wrote back and then I would put my return address on the envelope and that’s when things would turn the way they should be, me in love…with a fantasy…

The last part could be a story.  The good lord knows I write enough of them.  Actually that could be the first page.  Now the real question is will it be a love story or a thriller.  Will she find love or a psycho baby killer?  I imagine too much. 

I think I have had it for the night.  I think I am going to go to bed.  I just hope my sister stops throwing up soon.  It has been a delightful hour with you as my audience.  I hope we can share this time once more.  I hope you had as much fun as I did and you will come back. 

1:09 (my computer’s time)