Title: Driving Lessons
Author: Danielle
Rating: PG (There’s one swear word)
Disclaimer: All characters from the television series ‘Stargate SG-1’ belong to Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I’m only borrowing them for my personal entertainment, and I promise I’ll put them back all nice and proper. I didn’t profit from writing this piece, though if someone wants to pay me huge wads of cash for the copyright, I won't argue. All original characters and situations belong to me, but you can use them if you really want to - just mail me first. Also mail me first if you want to archive this somewhere else. Thank you kindly.
Summary: Answer to my own challenge (#10) at Heliopolis.

Driving Lessons

What is the next step O'Neill?

You press the accelerator down and let the clutch out slowly.

In this manner?

That's ri-

*Cheep-cheep*Cheep-cheep*

Can someone please shut that bird up? If you hadn't noticed, it's kinda hard to concentrate while a bird is going psycho in the back seat.

Sorry Jack, but I don't think it's going to listen to us.

*Cheep-cheep*Cheep-cheep*

Can you gag it then?

Only if you want to be reported for animal cruelty sir.

Jack.

Yes sir.

*Mutters* Why do I even bother?

Because you wish for Carter to regard you as more than a commanding officer.

*Cough* Uh, right Teal'c. But I don't think they heard you in ISTANBUL!

Why would I wish to be heard in Istanbul when I am in Colorado?

Because you can? After all, you've got a pretty good set of lungs on you.

*Cheep-cheep*Cheep-cheep*

Can it Daniel, and shut that bird up. Now, let out the clutch slowly and the car should move forward.

Are you sure this is safe?

Of course it is Daniel. It's a highway on a Sunday morning at six am. There's nothing out but big rigs out on the road at this time.

*Cheep-cheep*Cheep-cheep*

And tiny little budgerigars that annoyed the owner of the car that they were travelling in.

But still, its an unfenced road. And what if you've got it wrong?

Teal'c'll be careful, won't you Teal'c?

I am always cautious.

Don't worry Daniel, he'll do fine. But remember, we have to drop the bird off by nine.

We'll be there in plenty of time Carter. Stress less. Into second Teal'c.

As you wish O'Neill.

*ROAR!*

Uh, Teal'c. Clutch.

My apologies.

That's okay, I don't need that gearbox.

As you wish.

Third.

Fourth.

Daniel!

Sorry Jack, couldn't resist.

Yeah, well you can resist my fist in a few moments.

Sir...

Yes Carter. Sorry Danny.

Don't call me that.

Right, whatever. Now fourth Teal'c.

Yes O'Neill. At which speed should I maneuver the vehicle?

Sixty miles an hour. Like it says on the sign. Daniel, what is that around your mouth?

What is what?

*Cheep-cheep*Cheep-cheep*

Carter...

Right sir, shut the bird up. Will try.

*Cheep-cheep*Cheep-cheep*

Bertie, shut up.

Sam, that won't work.

I said I'd try, not that I'd succeed.

True.

Daniel, would you please wipe your mouth.

Why, what's there? And how can you see anyway?

It looks like the remnants of your breakfast and via the rear-view mirror. Happy now?

Damn, how'd I miss that? Hey, it's jam!

Don't eat it! That is so disgusting!

Bite me Jack.

*Cheep-cheep*Cheep-cheep*

I'd rather bite the head off a certain bird right now.

Alice Cooper tryhard.

Sir, the likelihood of the jam being... What flavour?

Strawberry. It's all I had left in the refrigerator.

What, no Vegemite mate?

Sir, that is the worst Australian accent I've ever heard.

Ever heard David James Elliot do it on JAG?

No. But I don't watch prime time courtroom drama wannabes.

Ah, high-brow drama for you Sam?

Nah, low-brow Simpsons.

O'Neill.

Yeah Teal'c.

Is it customary for a bovine to be positioned in the center of the highway?

What? SHIT!

The brakes!! The brakes!!!!

*Screech!!*Thump!*

Ow, I didn't need that collarbone either.

Is everyone okay?

I am well Major Carter. Are you okay?

Yeah, just a little bit shaken. Daniel?

Where are my glasses?

Sir, don't lean ba-

*Crunch!*

Too late. Sorry Daniel.

Jack! You broke my glasses!

Daniel, you're glasses broke my skin!

Everybody out of the car.

Yes Mom.

Where's the first aid kit?

In the glove box. Hurry, I'm bleeding to death here!

Don't be melodramatic Jack.

I am not. Your specs might have sliced my carotid.

In that case, you'd be dead by now... Hey, that's an idea.

Daniel! I'm offended!

You are? Well that's one for the record books.

Okay, I found it. Turn around sir.

Carter, I never knew you... Ow! Cared.

Sorry, I slipped. It's only superficial.

Jack, why do you have Garfield band-aids in your first aid kit?

Because they were the only ones I could find at the time.

I bet he just thought they were cute.

They're band-aids Daniel, not works of art.

Actually, there would be more work going into a small picture on band-aid than there would by in a thirty foot canvas.

You reckon?

Nope. They just shrink the picture.

What is a Garfield, and why would it wish to be on a sticking plaster?

Garfield's a bit, fat, orange-striped cat. And I haven't a clue.

It could be due to the lack of apparent free will experienced by society today that's induced by increasing stress levels and a feeling of general hopelessness.

Uh, right Jack. You sure you didn't get any glass in your brain?

Hey, I can wax lyrical sometimes.

Or you could just wax. Gee, you've got some serious hair here.

Thank you Carter, I feel considerably better right now.

O'Neill?

Yeah Teal'c.

I believe Bertie may be injured.

What makes you say that?

It is no longer making noise.

Uh-oh. Daniel, make sure the bird isn't dead.

Why me?

Because I- Oh, never mind. *Mutters* There's no reasoning with him sometimes..

What's that?

Teal'c, did you hear what I said?

No, I did not O'Neill.

Good. Um, Sam, we have a problem.

He's dead, isn't he. Aunt Patrice will be so disappointed.

Actually, he's only a bit shocked.

Then what's the problem.

That is the problem. Three hours of Bertie chirping. Not my idea of a swell time.

You can't have everything Jack.

No, but I can have something.

What's that sir?

Digsies on shotgun!