Title: A Single Girl
Author: Danielle
Rating: PG (sorta)
Disclaimer: All characters from the television series 'Stargate SG-1' belong to Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I'm only borrowing them for my personal entertainment, and I promise I'll put them back all nice and proper. I didn't profit from writing this piece, though if someone wants to pay me huge wads of cash for the copyright, I won't argue. All original characters and situations belong to me, but you can use them if you really want to - just mail me first. Also mail me first if you want to archive this somewhere. Thank you kindly.
Summary: I'm not telling!

Author's notes: This is in response to the '6ft tall statue of a you-know-what' challenge that was proposed on the DANIELites mailing list. If I'm not within the rules - tough!

A Single Girl

Major-General George Hammond watched silently as SG-1 emerged from the liquid-like surface to the StarGate's wormhole and make their way down the ramp. He stepped forward, as he always did, to welcome them back from their mission.

"Welcome back team," he began, until he spied the object that was strapped to the mobile ground transport slowly following the team into the room proper. "What on Earth is that?" he asked, moving forward to examine the object.

Hammond's eyebrows lifted slightly as he took in the size of the thing, which was a carving made of wood, but they just about shot off his head when he realised what the carving was of. Then, he noticed the silence of SG-1.

"Well, Colonel O'Neill?" he prompted, looking up from his investigation. "What is this?"

O'Neill fidgeted and tried to avoid eye contact with the general by rubbing the back of his neck. "It's a ~," he replied, the end of the sentence mumbled in a tone so low that it was impossible to figure out what he'd said.

"I beg your pardon, Colonel, but exactly what did you say this was?" Hammond persisted.

"O'Neill said it was 'a giant -'," Teal'c began, before the Colonel cut him off.

"It's a phallic symbol, Sir," he finished, flashing Teal'c a warning look. "It belongs to Captain Carter."

"Captain?" Hammond turned to Sam, who suddenly found her shoelaces remarkably interesting. "Would you care to explain how you managed to obtain it?"

Sam blushed furiously and mumbled something unintelligible. The General literally growled in exasperation and opened his mouth to admonish her when Daniel jumped in.

"The villagers gave it to her," he supplied helpfully, carefully avoiding looking at the carving.

"May I ask why?" Hammond rasped, his annoyance with their childish behavior beginning to show through his usual calm exterior.

"It's meant to grant her fertility," Daniel replied - stating what Hammond had already guessed.

"And it's meant to help her get a man," O'Neill added.

The General tried his best not to look surprised. Now, after all this time on the StarGate project, he'd finally heard everything. "Does it now," he murmured and then fell silent.

Quiet reigned the room for a few moments until Sam finally spoke up.

"They thought it was odd that I wasn't 'mated' at my age, Sir," she said with a sigh and a shrug. "They thought the statue would help."

"No offense, captain, but somehow I doubt that," he said. "Get yourselves cleaned up and put that... thing somewhere where it won't be a nuisance. Debriefing at fourteen hundred hours. Dismissed."

Turning on his heel and sauntering from the room he heard Colonel O'Neill's remark to the rest of the team.

"Do you think a nice, big bonfire would count as a place where it wouldn't be a nuisance?"

Major-General George Hammond smiled slightly and left the room.