While we were ont he phone, you said you wanted me to be sweet again, whether you believe it or not, I've tried to give that back to you. The "sweetness" that I once had. There's a problem with that though. I don't know how.
I've heard people say "I've given you everything I am" (not to you or I, jsut in general), but then they don't change. I know now that when someone says that, its a lie.
Right now I can say that and it isn't a lie. I did give you everything that I am, and I can't be like I was before until it's given back to me.
I do love you. No doubt of that in my heart or my mind. I still want us to happen, but it can't this way. Somethings will have to change.
I'm not blaming you, but right now I have more issues than I ever realized. I'm working on them. Trying to get everything straightened out. I think I will - I hope I can.
I'm not trying to be a dick. I don't want to lose you more than I already have, butwhat i've been thinking is that for now we should just stay friends. There isn't anyone else or anything like that. Its just, if there's going to be an us, I want it to be the real thing. I'm still want to be your best friend, hell I still want to be more than that. I wish so much it could be like it was in the beginning, but I know I fucked that up. I don't know if you've forgiven me or not. I doubt you have, and I don't blame you. Though if not, maybe one day I will eb able to earn that back as well, the trust that is.
As hard as I am trying not to get my hopes up, because I know it isn't certain, I really would love to emet you and Samantha. I hope you still want to after reading this. I'm not trying to make you mad at me or anything. I'm just trying to let you know what I am thinking/feeling. As gay as it sounds, the feeling I loved so much before is scarying the hell out of me. I doubt you even check this site anymore, and I don't know if it's safe to leave in an offline. I guess i'll talk to you later. I do miss you and love you.
If I could have just one wish,
A Special World
A special world for you and me
Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
And though at times a thread may break
There are few things in life I honestly want...
Once again I wish this site could be perfect for you, just like I wish I could be. But its not and I'm not either. I do love you, I have never meant to hide that fact. I do want to be with you for as long as I live. You're the greatest person I have ever known, the only person I have ever told I love you to and the last person who will ever hear it from me. From day one you have owned my heart and no one has ever came close to accomplishing that. You're the only person who has the power to scare me, for my future rests in your hands. You're the only one who has ever made me feel complete, trust me thats a big deal, It's been a long time since I can even remember feeling normal. I guess you could say I have a nice family(some of them) and was raised by a great mom, but still my family seems incomplete since I have met you and sammy. at the cookout I wanted nothing more then to have you there.
For us three, you sammy and myself to be a family is my ultimate dream, and it not happening is my ultimate fear. I'm sorry...Literally sorry with all my heart and soul that I ever did anything to hurt you in anyway and god as my witness I promise you that one day I will make it up to you.
I don't mean to get jealous and attitudable with you, its something I am trying to work on but I guess I need to work on it more.
Like I said I'm not perfect, but you are. I hope day I can be as perfect for you as you are for me. I am yours. Whether you choose to have me or not is up to you. The rest of my life is dedicated to you, and making up for all the stupid shit I have done.
I Love You!
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
with anyone other than you
.
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last.
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.
Hope you don't mine but I would like to talk about that in which I just said. I guess there is no better place to start than at...
"A", I said I want to be the man who makes you happy. Well I think this one, as well as the others, is pretty much self-explainatory. Besides that, When I say I want to be the man to amke you happy, I do mean just that. I want to be the guy who makes you smile and laugh. The one who make...makes you feel the same way I feel when I am talking to you. That there is nothing wrong in the wrong. Just a feeling that everything is perfect, and even a peaceful, "all there" feeling in your heart.
"B", I want you to knwo that no matter when or what is going ont hat I will forever be here for you and Sammy. Whether things happen the way I want them to or not. Please know that I am being completely honest about always being here for you guys.
"C", Once again I wish I was able to take back all the stupid things I've said/done over the years. Though they were stupid they've takes away the only person in theis world to ever make me happy. Yes, that is you. I just know that If I wouldn't have messed everythign up life would be so much better.
"D", I want to regain your trust. I want you to knwo that even though I messed up and broke your trust before that it will never happen again. I regret all this stuff so much, I just wish I could have it all back. I guess I wish I could have a second chance at happiness...
"E", This one pretty much sums it all up, "To one day have my world back". If you are doing that modest thing again, and you need reminded, YES THATS YOU! I need you more then I need anything else in this world. I Love You!
Reality always has to step in though. The fact that even though I want to take those things back and be that great guy for you...It seems impossible. No matter how hard I work at winning your heart back, hoping you could fall in love with me again...I just always end up feeling that I am fighting a losing battle. Like I don't ahve what it takes to win this. But if there is one thing I've learned from in life, thats no matter what the odds look like, you can't give up...especially when its something you believe in with all your heart and soul. Trust Me, This...You and I, I Believe in...I Believe in us more then anything. Because of that I know everything will work out, whether it me today, tomorrow, next year, or a hundred years down the road. There will be an US...Love You Baby, Now I have to call and wake up again!