Chapter Forty-four

Megan glanced at Kevin lying beside her, eyes closed, softly snoring. He'd fallen asleep not long after they finished, but she was wide awake, too wracked with guilt to sleep. A quick look at the bedside clock told her it was just past one-thirty. AJ and the others would be back within an hour or so.

Very slowly, she pushed back the blankets and sat up, not wanting to wake the man next to her. All she wanted to do was get dressed and leave, to pretend this never happened. She leaned over the side of the bed, looking for her clothes. Suddenly, a hand touched her bare back and she gasped.

"Leaving already?" Kevin asked quietly.

"I have to. They'll be back soon."

She stood up and found her underwear and jeans, momentarily debating on whether or not to put on her stained sweatshirt, still wet with pop, or Kevin’s T-shirt. She decided on the T-shirt and dressed in the darkness.

Kevin didn't like the way she purposely avoided his gaze. He got out of bed and strode to her side, not bothering to cover his naked form.

"Megan, look at me," he said.

She shook her head and faced away from him.

"Why not? Do I suddenly disgust you? Do you regret what we did? Because I don't."

"It was a mistake!" Megan cried out, tears spilling from her eyes. "It should never have happened. I can't believe I let it!"

Kevin tried to pull her into his arms but she wiggled away.

"Don't you see?" she said loudly. "I've ruined everything by sleeping with you!"

"Dammit, Megan, we didn't mean for this to turn out the way it did, but it has, and I feel no shame in saying I'm glad it did."

"Well I feel like complete shit."

She picked up her sweatshirt and shoes and started for the door, but Kevin blocked her path and grabbed her by the arms, forcing her to face him.

"Tell me, tell me you didn't enjoy it. Tell me you didn't think it was beautiful! Tell me if AJ can make you feel the way I did, just now, in that bed. Tell me!"

"I can't!" she yelled, her eyes burning.

"What do you mean you can't?"

"AJ and I..." Her voice trailed off and she started to shake.

"AJ and you...what?"

"We've never...made love."

Kevin's eyes widened. "What? That doesn't sound like AJ."

Megan jerked away and glared. "He's not the horndog everyone believes him to be. We decided, at the very start of this relationship, that sex would not be the basis of it. Both of us have had shitty pasts, so this time was going to be different. No sex until we were sure it was right."

"You're serious about this?"

"Do you honestly think I would lie?! Jesus, Kevin. Give me a little more credit than that." She stepped away and hurried to the door. Kevin pulled on his boxers and followed her to the living room.

"So what are we going to do?" he asked.

"I'm going back to my room. Tonight didn't happen. I'll keep my mouth shut if you'll do the same."

"But, Megan, tonight wasn't a mistake. I want--"

"No. Please, Kevin. Just stay away from me. I'm with AJ. I want to be with him. Good night."

She opened the door and slipped out, leaving Kevin to only stare after her as she retreated down the hall to the room she shared with AJ. She gasped when she saw Carlos, still holding his place near the elevators. His expression remained blank and he didn’t say anything as she let herself inside. She turned on the lights and headed straight to the bathroom, peeling her clothes off as she went. Within seconds, she was in the shower, nearly scalding herself with the hot water, but desperately trying to wash away Kevin's scent and touch from her skin.

She only succeeded in the first.

When she finished the shower, her body was clean, but she still felt dirty. Fighting back tears, she dressed in one of AJ's shirts and a pair of her own shorts. Then she picked up the clothes she’d hastily stripped off and threw them in the plastic bag from the bathroom garbage can. The bag was tied shut and shoved into her duffel bag. She would get rid of it tomorrow.

Just as she was about to bury herself in the king-sized bed to wait for AJ, a soft knock came at the door. Fearing it was Kevin, she pretended not to hear it and pulled a pillow over her head.

The knocking persisted for a few minutes until finally it stopped. Megan listened to the silence and burst into tears, soaking her pillow.

While a part of her felt absolutely horrible for what she had done, another part didn’t. She really did care about AJ, but more as a brother than anything else. They had fun together and she knew she could trust him. And yet she had fallen in love with Kevin. Although she hadn’t said it back to him earlier, she did love him. He irritated the hell out of her sometimes, but he truly was a good person with a big heart, and it was obvious he wanted to be with her.

No one had ever wanted to be with her as much as Kevin did.

“Maybe that’s what scares me,” she whispered, wiping tears from her eyes.

After years of love and adoration from her father, followed by years of rejection from her mother, maybe she was terrified of becoming too close to Kevin for fear he would eventually leave her.

She thought back to all of her previous boyfriends. She snorted when she realized there hadn’t been more than three in her entire lifetime, four counting AJ. None of the ones before AJ had lasted longer than two months. Her only real friendship was with Dana, and even that didn’t seem so stable anymore.

She cursed the day she’d ever met the Backstreet Boys.

When AJ came back forty-five minutes later, he was surprised to find the lights still on and Megan sitting up in the bed.

"Hey, babe. What are you still doing up?" he asked, dropping his jacket on a chair as he came towards her.

He sat down next to her and kissed her lightly on the neck.

"I wanted to see you before I went to sleep."

"Really? Missed me that much, huh?"

"Of course I did. Did you have fun?"

"Uh huh. The club was packed, lots of dancing and drinking," he chuckled. "You and Kev should have come along. Is your headache gone?"

"Yeah, I feel much better now. Come here and come to bed."

AJ groaned. "I'm too tired to even get undressed."

"I'll help you," Megan offered.

She pulled his shirt free from his pants and up over his head and shoulders. It was tossed to the floor.

Then she leaned forward and planted a kiss on his firm chest. Her hands roamed his back while her mouth moved over his front.

"Megan, what are you..." AJ gulped. "What are you doing?"

What indeed! she wondered. But she didn't stop. Instead she said, "AJ, make love to me."

"W-what?"

"Please."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure, please, AJ."

He couldn't help but moan when she unzipped his pants and slid her hand inside.

"Okay," he breathed.

With skilled hands, he began to remove her clothing, touching as much of her as he possibly could. Megan lay back down, allowing him access to any part of her he chose.

AJ’s kisses were hot, passionate, and Megan was sure any other woman would be melting under his touch right now. Any other woman except her. A lone tear escaped from her eye and slid down her cheek before she could stop it. AJ paused and reached up to wipe the tear away.

“Are you crying, Megan?” he asked, worry evident in his voice. “Am I hurting you?”

“No, you’re not hurting me. You’re perfect, AJ. It’s me. I’m. . . I’m not. . .”

AJ leaned back and looked at her. “You’re not ready,” he stated simply.

She shook her head and raised herself to look at him.

“I’m sorry, AJ. I didn’t mean to lead you on,” she apologized, taking in his sad expression. “You’re disappointed.”

“No,” he said quickly, running a hand through his hair. “I mean, well, sort of, but, if you’re not ready, then we’ll wait.”

Megan reached out and hugged him. “Thank you, AJ. Do you know what an angel you are to me?”

He held her close and kissed her head. "You're the angel, Megan, a complete angel."

She forced a smile.

“Well,” AJ said with a laugh. “How about we get dressed and go to bed?”

Megan nodded and started pulling on her shirt. “That sounds like a good idea.”

AJ went to shower and change, leaving Megan alone in the bed. She had wanted so badly to prove to herself that she could be with AJ, and everything had gone wrong. She was surprised AJ didn’t hate her for it.

He came back and jumped on the bed, lost his balance and collapsed beside her, making her laugh.

“’Night, babe,” he said, turning off the light.