These are some funny one liners from siglets.com. Enjoy. These are my favorite ones....
~"Don't drive and park, accidents cause people"
~"I thought I had a great idea today, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar." - Calvin and Hobbes
~"Procrasination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
~95% of guys masturbate...the other 5% lie.
~98% of the population is asleep. The other 2% are staring around in complete amazement, abject terror, or both.
~A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five!
~A man's only as old as the woman he feels.-Groucho Marx
~After heat killed bad germs, where do they go? Obviously not in heaven, since they've been bad. Surely then can't go to hell, for the heat would kill them again(?)...
~All good things in moderation ..... including moderation
~An English professor wrote on the blackboard: Punctuate this sentence: 'Woman without her man is nothing'. The men wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.' All the women wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'
~An Irishman is not drunk as long as he can hold on to one blade of grass to keep from falling off the world.
~And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your night-dress. - Basil Fawlty
~And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over.
~Anybody can quit smoking. It takes a real man to fight lung cancer!
~Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
~As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
~Be consistent (but not all the time)
~Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
~Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
~BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
~Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too.
~Beware of limbo dancers! (written at bottom of bathroom stall door with arrow pointing down) *I'm seriously going to go right this one somewhere, this is just to funny)
~Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
~Brain cells come and brain cells go, but Fat Cells live FOREVER!
~Can I yell MOVIE in a crowded firehouse?
~Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
~Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis ad capul tuum saxum immane mittam. - I have a catapult. Give me all the money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
~Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
~Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
~Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
~Dain bramaged
~Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
~Disclaimer: the above is the author's personal opinion and is not the opinion or policy of his employer or of the little green men that have been following him all day.
~Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
~Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!
~Don't quote me, think for yourself! - Unknown
~First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.
~Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.
~Graffiti: E=mc2 ; and written underneath it: Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.
~Grow your own dope, plant a man
~He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot
but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.-Groucho Marx
~How do I set my laser printer on stun?
~I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it.
~I am the one your parents warned you about.
~I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do?
~Common Sense Isn't.
~Does Mr. Rogers really want us to be his neighbor?
~Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
~Feel enthusiastic about everything.. begin to annoy friends. -The Tragically Hip
~Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
~First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.
~Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!
~Heck is a place for people who don't belive in Gosh.
~How can there be self-help GROUPS?
~How can you be ALONE with somebody? Think about it...
~How come wrong numbers are never busy?
~How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?
~I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
~I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it.
~I am the one your parents warned you about.
~I am the world's greatest authority on my own opinion.
~I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
~I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
~I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
~I can resist anything but temptation
~I date this girl for two years - and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'
~I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
~I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
~I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
~I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
~I once thought I made a mistake, but I was wrong.
~I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
~I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
~I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
~I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
~I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
~I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
~I've always wanted to be somebody. Next time I'll be more specific. - Lily Tomlin
~If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
~
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
~If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
~If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields
~If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
~If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.
~If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
~If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
~If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said: Quit while you're ahead?
~If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
~If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence 'If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence' - Twice!
~If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
~It know it hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle without a seat, but it hurts. - Lt. Frank Drebin, The Naked Gun
~
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
~
Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids.
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Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. -- Homer Simpson
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Life is sexually transmitted.
~Life's too short to argue, I'm ALWAYS right!
~Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
~Make love, not war - hell, do both, get married!
~May the forces of evil become lost and confused on the way to your house.
~May you have the hindsight to know where you have been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far...
~May your troubles be like an old man's teeth... few and far between.
~Men have feelings too (but who really cares)
~My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
~My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. - Ashleigh Brilliant
~My opinion is neither copyrighted nor trademarked, and it's price competitive. If you like, I'll trade for one of yours.
~My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'
~My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
~
Necca me latre. - Kill me with a brick.
~Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
~Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
~Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. - Henry Kissinger
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None of the ideas expressed above are actually mine. They are told to me by Luthor and Ferdinand, the five inch tall space aliens who live under my desk. In return for these ideas, I have given them permission to eat any dust bunnies they may find under there.
~Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
~On a sign outside a church: "This is a C H _ _ C H ... what's missing?
~On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?
~On the other hand, you have different fingers.
~One night, as I lay in bed, I looked up at all of the stars in the sky, and thought, "Where the hell is my ceiling!?!?!"
~Optimists may say the glass is half-full, and pessimists may say the glass is half-empty. Well, I say the glass is too damn big!
~Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
~Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati - When all else fails, play dead.
~Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
~Red meat isn't bad for you; fuzzy blue-green meat is.
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Save time... see it my way.
~Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it. (I'm safe then)
~Seen above a urinal in the men's room at ETSU: Anyone can pee on the floor. Be a hero: crap on the ceiling.
~Semper Ubi Sub Ubi. - Always wear Underwear.
~Sex is evil, evil is sin, sins are forgiven, so sex is in!
~Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
~Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes. - If you can read this, you're overeducated.
~Sometimes I think well. And sometimes I think: Oh well...
~Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
~Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. - I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
~Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine...
~That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.
~That which does not kill me... makes me meaner!
~The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
~The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. The distinction is yours to draw...
~The opinions expressed here are not those of my employer, my wife, my church, or myself... But they are the opinions of Elvis as revealed to me through the medium of my pet hamster, Lee Harvey Oswald...
~The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary.
~The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. Although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it, either. So what I am left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.
~Trans corpus meum mortuum. - Over my dead body.
~What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
~What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?
~What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
~When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
~When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.
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When you get upset, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend your middle finger.
~Why aren't there ever any GUILTY bystanders?
~Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? - George Carlin
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Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
~Why is it that when you are on the telephone, writing furiously and holding a finger up to tell the person who just came into your office to hold on a second, they ask: Do you have a minute?
~You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.