Horoscopes
by Adam Sandler
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same
mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone
thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are
dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and
full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone
you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are
being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have major
influence on your friends and people resent you for
flaunting your power. You lack confidence but are
still a general bad ass.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
determination and work like hell. Most people think
you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a
goddamed communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like
you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to
expect too much for too little. This means you are a
cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on
incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other
people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are
always putting things off. That is why you will
always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.
Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you
are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain
and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is
disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and
enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are a logical type and hate disorder. Your
shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and
co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often
fall asleep while fucking. Virgo's make good bus
drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time
dealing with reality. If you are a male you are
probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary
gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All
Libra's die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in
business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most
Scorpio's are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a
reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have
no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks.
You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You
are basically chickenshit. There has never been a
Capricorn of any importance. You should kill
yourself.