I finally found him. That person that I want to spend eternity with. He's not
Xander, he's not Oz. He's Angel. I feel so, happy, perfect, and complete,
and... God, I feel so...I can't even think of a way to describe it, or him.
Do I feel alone? Never. Not with him.
Foolish? Yes, there's some of that, too, but not for loving him. I feel like
an idiot for all the years I wasted not knowing what I wanted, and for pining
away for someone who never noticed me.
Guilty? That's some percentage of it. I don't feel guilty for loving him,
either. I could never feel that way. I feel this way because he was Buffy's,
and I've finally found my other half, and she's alone. She deserves
happiness, for all the things she's had to sacrifice in the name of saving
the world. Yeah, she says she doesn't care, that's she's happy, but I see the
way she acts. She's lonely. But, I can't tell her about this.
She would never understand any of it.
I'm hopelessly in love with someone, someone I love so much that I feel like
dying when I'm not with him. That's me.
All these years, I've wanted Xander. Xander, my bestfriend. Then, when I
finally got a taste of him, it just wasn't right. It didn't *feel* right.
Well, mostly because he was dating Cordelia at the time. Yeah. I'm going to
Hell for that, but, that wasn't all of it. I've always wanted Xander. When I
finally thought I had him, of course I jumped at the chance to be with him,
but it was hollow. I've compared everything to that love/lust I've had with
him, and it never measured up. It was never good enough. I always imagined
that if he would look at me the way he does to Buffy, or Cordelia, or any of
the other pretty girls, that everything would be so sweet, and good, and,
pure. Everything that you want when you've been worshipping someone for the
majority of your life, and scribbling their name on your books over and over
again. All these years I have wasted on him, for him to finally notice me,
and in the end, just making myself miserable.
It makes me nauseous to think of the years I wasted on that boy.
The next person involved in this, is Oz. He was the guy that I thought I
loved. He took me back after that ordeal with Xander, and I thought I loved
him. He was completely different from Xander. He loved me for who I was and
not as a second choice, like Xander did. But, compared to how I felt tonight,
or any other night I'm with Angel, he was *nothing*, and that's horrible, and
I feel bad for it. But it's true, and there is no other way to say.
My Angel.
When I kissed Angel, when we kiss it's just *everything* that I've always
wanted and never got. That *zing* feeling that you get when everything else
ceases to matter or exist except for that kiss, or that touch, or that
moment. That's exactly how it felt. Every second with him feels like that. I
don't even know how to describe it other than that. It was amazing. I never
felt that way with Oz. I mean, that's what I wanted with Xander. That's what
I always thought it would feel like. And it did feel like that. Just not with
Xander.
So, I finally decided what I knew all along.
Some people will never get a chance to feel like this, and I'm not going to
throw it away. Yes, there's Oz, and Buffy, and Xander, and Cordelia, and I
don't give a damn anymore. I won't let them keep me from having this. And you
know something? I don't care what they think, or what they do, or what they
think is best for me. I know what I want for once, and I won't let him slip
away from me.
I want Angel.