Part 1
She sat in her room, looking out of the window, if that's the word you would like to use.
She knew it was night because she couldn't feel the sunlight on her face.
Willow Rosenburg had locked herself in her room. And she hadn't come out in days. Despite the desperate pleas of her 'friends'.
'We need you, Will,' 'We love you,' and her favorite, 'This doesn't change anything'.
*Fools!! This changes EVERYTHING!* she thought bitterly.
Her thoughts flooded to her talk with Oz.
He had come to her door, she guessed that he let himself into her house, because it wasn't like her parents were there. They had heard about what happened but Willow was sure they didn't care.
Anyway, he had come to her door.
"Willow..it's me, Oz."
"Oz? What are you doing here? What do you want?" she had asked, her voice empty and cold.
"I-I want to see you. To talk to you."
"See me? See me!! Good choice of words!!" she had laughed. A cruel, unhappy sound.
"I didn't mean it that way! I just..Willow, I still love you."
Willow snorted, "Stop."
"Willow, you can't stop loving someone."
"Oh can't you?, " she hissed, "you know you can if you try hard enough. Leave Oz. Go find someone else. Someone who's not broken!"
"Willow," he'd gasped, and she knew he was fighting tears, "I'm not going to give up on you because of this."
"You should. I have. I know..I'll make it easy for you. I don't love you. I don't want you.
I HATE you! Do you hear me!" she'd shouted on the top of her lungs madly,
"I HATE you, Oz! Now leave!!"
"Willow, please don't say that. Don't ever say that! At a time like this you should be with your friends. Now open the damn door." Oz had barked, angry, sad and probably terrified.
"'Friends'? I don't want you all as friends anymore! I just want to be alone forever! I want to stay in this room and wait until I starve to death! If you want in this room you'll have to bust the door down! Because I will never open it again," she cried.
"Running away from this thing won't fix it," he whispered.
"Shut up! Just shut the hell up! Leave damn you! Leave me the hell alone! I don't want to hear your voice ever again. Tell Buffy and the others the same. I want to be alone!" she screeched at him.
"Willow..."
"GO!" she had screamed as loud as she could.
She heard him crying. Sobbing. And then heard his footsteps as he ran out the door.
And now here she was this evening. Alone.
Part of the old Willow, the one everyone loved, the healthy one, had been crying when Oz had left and was crying now.
But the new, cold, empty Willow, outwardly, did not cry.
She sat stone faced in front of her window.
*Why don't I just walk out to the terrace? Why don't I just throw myself off it and end this? * she asked herself.
*What is the point of living now? In this..destroyed shell? There is nothing for me to do now. No one to love. No one to love me. I've cut off my emotions. I threw away Oz and Buffy and the others. I think someday they will thank me for it. They do not need to waste their time on me. Saying soft, sweet, comforting words. Skirting the issue of what that bitch Faith and the Mayor did to me. Why don't I just do it? Why don't I just end my life? Kill myself. *
The words 'kill myself' sent a shiver through her but she brushed it off quickly.
She was more than prepared to end her 'useless' life when she herself laugh bitterly.
*How can you kill yourself? You can't even find the door to the window anymore!!*
She stopped and froze when she heard a tapping.
She had to think hard, to pin point where the sound was coming from in the dark.
*The window. It's at the window. *
Willow felt a stab of pure fear but brushed it off.
"Who's there!" she shouted.
She heard a loud click as the window's opened, then a soft voice, "Willow?"
It took her a moment to place the voice.
She smiled smugly, "Angel. What are you doing here? Why aren't you with Buffy? I'm sure she needs your comfort right now. Poor little thing. Her best friend hates her now. She probably wants to bury herself in your chest. Forget the world and run her hands along your chest and thighs. Then of course, she'll cry again because she can't have sex with you. She'll moan pitifully, 'Oh Angel, I've lost my friend and we can't hump like weasels!' " Willow laughed cruelly.
"I..see you're not taking this well." Angel whispered.
" 'This!?' THIS?!' What do you mean Angel! Why don't you say it! I'm not handling WHAT well? The fact that I am FUCKING BLIND!!!! Is THAT what you mean!" she cried at him, wanting to lash out as she tried to stare in his direction. Wanting him to look at her green, dead eyes.
"Yes, " he said calmly, "that your blind. You don't seem to be handling it in a good way."
"Tell me, how should I 'handle' it?, " she hissed, "you know so much. How should this be handled."
"With your friends. Your.." He started.
"Your 'loved ones'? Well, guess what? I don't LOVE them anymore."
"That's not true, " he growled, "Stop acting childish!"
She felt as if she'd been slapped. She'd been so coddled lately, because of what happened that to hear someone yell at her was new.
She regained her composure and tried to stay cool, "Childish? Nice thing to say to a newly blinded woman. No hugs and kisses from you I guess.
You're one of the face-reality types. What kind of life will I have now? Tell me that. I'm smart but I can't read Braille. I have to learn. And what kind of job can I get? And no more driving cars for me, where will I go.." She stopped, feeling as if she was bearing to much. She didn't want to discuss this.
"Look, just leave, okay. Leave. Go. I want to be alone."
"No."
"What?" she gasped.
"No, Willow. I'm not leaving and you can't make me," he said smoothly.
Willow felt her anger boil, "Leave damn you! Go the hell away. I don't WANT you here!
I hate you and Oz and Buffy and all those losers! I hate them!"
"No, you don't. You hate yourself, Willow. You hate the situation. And I am not leaving." Angel said.
"GO! GO AWAY!" she screamed and reached out for something, anything, to throw at him.
She grabbed a book and tossed it in the direction she had heard his voice.
It didn't come close to him, but smacked against the wall.
"I'm not leaving you, Willow. No matter how loud you scream and how many things you throw at me. You can scream and throw fits all you want. But I am staying here until you cool down. I'm going to help you."
"I, " she bit out, "DON'T WANT YOUR HELP!"
With a cry she flung herself at him.
She kicked and punched him with all the fury she had.
And he let her.
Then, she screamed in agony, and fell against him.
"I..I HATE YOU!" she wailed, "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I...". And then burst into bitter tears.
"I hate this. I hate this! I hate myself.." She whimpered and fell on to the carpet, sobbing in pure agony.
Angel took her into his arms gently and rested his face against her hair.
She choked out words, that flooded uncontrollably, "That night. That horrible, horrible night when we were doing the exchange. Faith.., " Willow tried to piece together what she hadn't wanted to talk about, what she had tried to forget, "Faith hadn't meant to hit me? Had she? She knocked into me and I hit one of those spider things and it..got on my face and..I don't..I can't remember what it did to my eyes. It stung and then...Buffy tore it off of me before it could eat me but.. I couldn't see! I opened my eyes and there was just blackness. I was so scared!"
She went into uncontrollable sobbing then and Angel feared that she might hyperventilate.
She held tighter to him and he simply brushed a soft hand over her hair, whispering soothingly, "It's okay. It's okay. You'll be all right."
"Will I?" she croaked, "I-I don't want them to know, Angel. Promise me you won't tell Buffy and Oz and the others about this, please?"
"I won't."
"And..and I can't...," she didn't want to say the dreaded word, but did, "I don't want to see them yet. I can't. I'm not ready."
"Okay. Okay. You don't have to." He said.
"And..," she whispered against his coat, "I mean..you can come though. You can come over anytime you want. You can come in through the window and stuff. I..I don't mind seeing you so much."
He smiled, and she could feel his lips against her hair form into that smile, "Sure."
"Angel.." She whispered in a small voice.
"Yes."
"Stay with me. Please. Just for tonight. Just hold me in your arms and..whisper soft words to me and tell me things will be okay. Just until I fall asleep. You don't have to but.."
"I will, Willow. I'll stay with you." He replied.
"Thank you," she said and closed her eyelids, even though she knew there was no use.
She concentrated on the warmth and the sound of his breathing, nothing else, as she fell asleep in his arms.
Part 2
"Okay. Let's try this again, " Willow told herself and let out a shaky breath. She stood up, holding tightly to the cane. She stepped forward, counting out each step, "One. Two. Three." She moved forward from her bed slowly, pushing the cane first to check for anything in her path.
She continued until the cane hit a large thing.
She reached out a hand and felt around.
It was dry and hard and she knew it to be the wall, but it wasn't what she wanted.
*Come on..Come on..*
She finally hit something cold and round. She felt all around it and almost squealed.
The doorknob! She had made it to the door.
She had been practicing all day. She had discovered that by counting out loud she could find out how many steps it took to get to each place in her room.
It was still hard though. But things were getting much better.
Especially with Angel's help.
Every night he came and they talked about this and that. But he never avoided the issue of her being blind. Or act as if it hadn't happened. He was helping her to accept it.
She had even talked to Buffy recently on the phone.
"Willow! I'm so happy to hear from you!" Buffy had cried, near tears.
"It's nice to talk to you too. How is everything?"
"Good. But they'd be so much better if you came back. Willow...when are you coming back?" Buffy had asked.
Willow sighed. She didn't want to go back, but she knew now she couldn't stay in her room forever. And besides, Angel had been telling her how she couldn't teach herself forever. She was going to need a specialist. Someone who knew how to help the blind.
And Willow had to admit that she wanted that now. She wanted to get back to having something of a life.
"I don't know. But I do miss you guys. I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said. I don't blame you for what happened."
Willow had heard Buffy gasp, "I was hoping you'd say that..I thought.."
"Don't blame yourself, Buffy. What happened was an accident. Pure and simple. I don't blame you at all and I don't want you to blame yourself. I'm..adjusting to this. It's hard but..," Willow gulped, "do me a favor will you? Tell Oz, I'm so sorry. I said some really cruel things to him."
Buffy grew silent.
"Buffy?" Willow had asked suspiciously.
"Willow..Oz..He left town."
"WHAT!" Willow gasped.
"He-he just felt so bad about you and I don't think he could deal with being here. He thought you hated him."
Willow had been torn between being depressed and angry.
*How could he leave? I need him* she had thought.
*You had told him you didn't. You told him you hated him. YOU sent him away.*
"Oh.." She had breathed.
"Don't get upset, Will. He'll come back!" Buffy said, desperate to please her friend. She didn't want Willow to pull away again, she couldn't bare it.
Willow smiled, "I'm sure he will. Give Xander and Giles, my love. I'll...see you soon."
She still hated the word.
'See'.
It was so mocking now. She had never given it much thought when she could see. How could you? You never thought this sort of thing would happen to you. It seemed impossible on all levels.
But it had happened.
And Willow decided she had to be an adult about it.
She was going to learn how to live with her 'handicap' and she was going to go back to her good life.
With Oz.
Willow nodded to herself when she felt the doorknob move beneath her hand.
"Angel?"
"No, Willow. It's me, Xander."
"Xander!" Willow gasped.
She realized with a sick feeling she hadn't locked the door. She rushed about her room in vain to find her shades.
She didn't want Xander to see her dead eyes.
She found them and slipped them on moments before he walked in.
"Sorry to let myself in but.." Xander grew silent as he looked at Willow.
She sat on her bed, trying to look as normal as possible.
He noticed she wore shades and could feel himself shudder.
It was still hard to fathom. Her being blind. He was her oldest friend, and he found this hard to stomach.
He had been acting different since it happened, he even yelled at Buffy, blaming her for what had happened.
He just hated the fact that she'd been hurt and he could do nothing to fix it.
"How have you been, Will. It feels like forever since I saw you last."
"I'm good. As good as can be expected. Actually, I am getting much better. You'd be suprised. About a two weeks ago I would have thrown myself from my terrace. But I realize now that that isn't the answer. Just because I'm blind now doesn't mean I can't have a life, right? I mean, lots of people are blind and they go through life just fine. I wanted to apologize to you. I think the last time we talked, I was rather cold to you." Willow said.
"It's understandable."
"Not really. I maybe blind now, Xander. But I am still a person and when a person hurts someone's feelings it is right to apologize."
"But with your..condition.." Xander said gently, "I understand how you would.."
"'Condition'? Xander, I'm blind. Just say it."
"I can't" he whispered.
"I know, " she said softly, "I couldn't either for a while. Because saying it means that it's real. But you need to accept this, Xander. I have. Being Blind..it doesn't mean we're not friends anymore, right?"
"Of course!" He said and took her hand in his, "We'll always be friends, Will. Nothing will change that. Even if you get a sex change."
Willow laughed, a clear happy sound and Xander smiled. It hadn't been the funniest thing he'd ever said, but it had been the first joke he had made in weeks.
"Well, I don't plan on becoming Will Rosenburg anytime soon. I'm Willow and I enjoy it."
There was a silence as Xander ran his hand over top of hers.
She could feel that his palms were sweaty and shaky. Probably from seeing her this way. He would have to get use to it, but she'd help him.
She'd try to show him that she hadn't changed so much, that there was still some of the old Willow in her, "So, how are your grades?"
She heard him laugh and smiled, happy to make him more comfortable.
"Bad as always. I still need your help."
"Well, that's what I'm here for. And how's the vamp slayage going?"
"I got one the other night," Xander said proudly, "I got one that was about to tackle Buffy from behind."
"And the business with the Mayor?"
"We still don't know much."
Willow suddenly remembered something she had grabbed that night for later reading.
Now where had she put it.
She got up slowly.
"Willow?" Xander asked concerned.
"Hold on, I need to find something." She said and took her cane.
"Willow, I can help.."
"No!" she said tightly, "I can do this."
Willow moved the cane in front of her and counted out the steps.
She knew that it took about five steps to get to her desk.
Hearing her cane tap against the end of something, she stopped.
She reached out to feel first air.
Her hand went lower and caught a smooth flat surface. The desk!
She reached around gently and hit the side of her computer.
"Willow.." Xander said again, her felt so uncomfortable watch her fumble around.
She touched what she thought was paper.
She felt around it. It was smooth but kind of rough, with wrinkles.
She picked it up, "Xander, is this a sheet of paper."
"Yes, It looks kind of old. Where did you get that?"
Willow grinned, "Come here."
She heard Xander walk over and could feel the heat of him when he stood next to her, "What?"
"Are there any other papers that look like this on my desk."
He nodded, then cringed when he realized she couldn't catch the movement, "Yes, there are."
"Take them. I stole them from the Mayor's book that night. I think it will help Buffy understand the Ascension."
"That's great, Willow! I should take these to her now but.."
"But?"
"If I leave. I mean, Willow..you kind of shut all of us out and.."
"I won't shut you out again, Xander. But I'm not going back to school yet. I need just a little more time. I'll see you all soon."
Xander smiled, wishing that she could see the happiness on his face. Instead he hugged her, "Good. Hey, I want you to know I still love you. You're my best friend, now and forever"
Willow hugged him back, "I love you too. Now get out my house." She laughed.
She heard Xander walk to the door, then pause, "Willow, I meant to ask you. Why did you think it was Angel?"
Willow froze, should she tell him about Angel? What if he misunderstood it or told Buffy?
"Well, he..uh..stops by sometimes. And I wasn't sure if it was night or not. I can't feel any sunlight."
"It's cloudy outside today." Xander explained.
"Ah, that makes sense."
Xander looked another moment at her.
Standing there, holding tightly to her cane, shades covering her wounded eyes.
He suddenly wanted to see her without the shades. He wanted to cure her and turn her back into their sweet, seeing Willow.
But he couldn't and it tore him apart.
"I'll talk to you later, Willow." Xander said and left.
Willow heard him shut the door behind him and sighed.
*Well, that was exciting!*
Willow wondered when it would be night. She was eager to see Angel.
It was funny, she never thought she'd feel this way about him.
I mean he was her friend. But he'd never been a close friend. He had always just been Buffy's boyfriend. The nice vampire.
Now he was so much more to Willow. She wasn't quite sure what he was to her now, but he was very important. If it hadn't been for him, she would have given up all hope.
She found it a bit disturbing that she hadn't gotten that kind of comfort from Oz, her boyfriend. And for the millionth time that day she wondered where he was. What he was doing. She loved him so much. She hadn't meant to hurt him. She felt so foolish for what she had said.
Willow froze when she thought she had heard something moving. A rustling of some kind.
"Is someone there?"
"It's me."
She let out a breath, "Angel."
"I came the moment it got dark," he said.
"I'm guessing it's night then. Xander was only here a while ago. He said it was cloudy out."
"It is. A storm's coming this way. I'm glad to hear you talked to Xander. Was it in person?"
"Uh-huh. I'm thinking..I might go see them soon. I miss them. Buffy and everyone." Willow said.
"That's good. You should see them. Buffy talks about you a lot these days," he said, editing out how the conversations started on Willow then morphed into Buffy.
"Angel this hurts ME. I need comfort," she had said.
Angel had avoided telling Buffy that not everything was about her. He instead had comforted her and told her that everything was going to be okay. He loved Buffy. She was the only woman in years who had affected his heart, but she could be self-absorbed sometimes. He supposed that everyone was. Even himself. Willow was the only person he had ever seen who didn't care very much about herself but more about everyone else. Now that she had to start caring about herself, she found it difficult. She didn't seem to care very much for herself as a person and that made Angel upset, he wanted her to know just how wonderful she was.
"I miss Buffy a lot. I miss Oz a lot," she confessed.
Angel avoided the rise of anger. He couldn't understand how the werewolf could just rush out on his girlfriend in her time of need. Even Xander, of all people, was handling this better.
Then again, everyone handled things differently.
Maybe Oz just needed sometime away to think. He'd be back soon.
*He'd better be*, Angel thought with a fierce frown.
"Angel, I am starving. I've been hungry for a long time. So far I've been able to survive on a big bag of M&M's I had hidden in my room but I'm out so...," she let out an unsteady breath, "I was wondering if you could help me down the stairs."
Angel took her hand, "Sure. As a matter of fact. How about I take you all around the house. Show you where everything is."
"Oh, that'll take all night. I don't want to keep you from Buffy.."
"She'll be fine. She can do one night without my presence. I'm sure she's gone to the Bronze anyway."
Angel led Willow out the door. They counted each step. Willow used her bed as the counterpoint and used her hands to feel along the walls.
Angel put her hand on the banister and helped her down the stairs slowly.
"It's strange. It's like I have to learn how to walk all over again." She said to him as she walked down carefully.
At one point she lost her step and fell but he quickly caught her in his arms.
She remembered the feel of his warm arms well and felt a blush rise to her cheeks.
*I'm not sure it's a good thing to remember how your best friend's boyfriends arms feel.* she thought.
"Thank you." She said in a tiny voice.
"You're welcome." He said, helping her back to her feet.
They went all over the house and Willow managed to get something to eat at last.
"I've been doing a lot of research and I found out their is a woman named Dr.Anne Smyth who deals with the blind. She works right her in Sunnydale. I think she can help you." Angel said as Willow ate another handful of potato chips.
"That sounds good. You didn't need to go through the trouble.."
"Of course I did. It didn't look like anyone else was going to. Certainly not your parents," he scoffed angrily.
Willow sighed, "They've been busy. As always. They are concerned about me, but they don't know how to deal with it. My mother's in Canada and My father's in China. Neither of them want to fly home and deal with this yet. They think I'm staying at Buffy's. That's where I told them I was. As you know, I actually barricaded myself in my room."
"Maybe you should stay at Buffy's for a while."
"No, Angel. I have to get back on my feet in my home. Maybe I can ask Buffy to come over here or something but I am just now getting use to this place. I know it much better than Buffy's. I need to get a feel for my house first. And I'm going to see this Dr.Smyth. I'm sure if you picked her out that she's good."
Angel took her hand in his, "Okay."
Willow could feel her palm sweat a bit as she memorized the feel of his hand. Strong, but gentle. With rough, but pleasant feeling calluses.
*I don't think I'm supposed to memorize how Buffy's boyfriend's hand feels either.*
Still, she couldn't help it. She wanted to know how his hands felt. How his arms felt. How his lips...
*WHOA! Stop right there!*, her thoughts shouted, *He's a friend! Buffy's boyfriend! And that's all! You're just throwing your feelings on to him because you haven't seen Oz in so long.*
"Willow? You all right?" Angel asked at the strange look that had gotten on her face.
"I'm fine," she lied, her thoughts still trying to explain why she had just had such 'warm, fuzzy' feelings about Angel.
"I've arranged with Buffy to take you to Dr.Smyth tomorrow. I hope that's okay, but I think you need to see her as soon as possible. The sooner you spend time with her, the sooner you'll learn how to live your life as a blind person."
Willow nodded, "That's fine. I'm going to go to bed then. Big day tomorrow. First time I leave my house in almost two weeks, right?"
She got up, not wanting to be around him another second. She felt so uncomfortable, thanks to her dirty thoughts.
"You can go ahead and go out the front door. I can find my way upstairs on my own." Willow said and took her cane.
Angel quietly trailed behind her. Completely silent.
Willow counted each step in her head, using her cane and hands to lead herself around, almost bursting with bliss when she found the steps.
Willow got into her room and squealed happily at being able to find her own room.
*It is my room, right?* she wondered and felt around. She found the bed and knew how she could find out if it was her room or not.
She kept her diary under the pillow. If the diary was there...
She stuck her hands under the pillow and felt a book.
"Yes!" she shouted and flopped on the bed, "I found my room. All on my own!"
Angel smiled, standing in the doorway.
Willow crawled under the covers and let out a sigh, "Angel."
Angel froze.
Willow smiled, "Angel, I know you're here. You followed me, didn't you?"
Angel laughed, "Yes, how did you know?"
Willow smiled as she snuggled into bed, "Because, you're my friend. I knew you'd follow me and make sure I got here safe."
Angel grinned and turned off the lights, which he knew Willow didn't know were on, "Good night, Willow."
"Good night, Angel" Willow said as she felt herself grow tired.
She heard him leave and smiled, her thoughts of him as she fell fast asleep.