Things to do in a mall

These were given to me by Lisa.

• Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the fountain.
• Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
• Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
• Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
• At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES!AAAGH!'
• Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
• Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.
• Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
• ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'.
• Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
• Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees,give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?'
• Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
• Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
• Test mattresses in your pajamas.
• If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
• Sprint up the down escalator.
• Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'.
• Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
• Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda
• Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
• At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
• Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
• Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
• Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.
• Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
• Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
• Play the tuba for change
• Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
• Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'.
• Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have 'any giant crap made out of straw'.
• 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
• Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
• Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
• Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!'
• Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leakproof'.
• 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
• Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
• Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
• If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.
• Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.'
• Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
• At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed
• Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this man.'
• Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.