A CHANGE OF PACE
The camera opens on Above Average Man sitting on the curb outside of the Roadhouse in Lincoln Nebraska. The nightclub in kicking. Loud music blares out into the street. Above Average Man nurses the final Zima in a six pack and hangs his head deep in thought. A car pulls up in front of him and Viper steps out. Above Average Man looks up at him, tears streaming down his face. Viper sits down on the curb next to him, resting the MVW World Heavyweight Title of the curb to his left. Above Average Man hangs his head down between his knees, staring at the ground again.
Viper: Bryan, you've got to pull it together man. You've got a match. You're GCWs only hope. You can do this. Your division has been nothing but pushovers. Your opponents keep quitting to avoid you. Come one. One more man and your in the battle royal.
Above Average Man: Adam... I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to wrestle. I don't want to go through the pain day in and day out, just to hold a little hunk of tin. It's not worth it. Not anymore. My entire life isn't worth it.
Viper: What are you trying to say, man?
Above Average Man: Kill me.
Viper: Dude, don't get like this again. You remember what happened last time. When Cathy got you locked up. Dude, you've got alot worth living for. You're making it into the second phase of this tournament, which is more than I can say. Hell, you outlasted Chris, and he's the only one who's ever beat you. You're getting better every day. I even took to the streets so I could be more like you.
Above Average Man: What? Why would you want to be like this? My life is one never ending misery. Things are never getting better. I'm a failure. I just wish...
Gravity by Type O Negative starts to blare out from the club. Above Average Man perks up an ear, listening to the words and nodding along in agreement.
Just take that razorblade... and slit your wrists down to the bone... and die laughing...
Above Average Man sings along with the next line, nearly screaming.
Above Average Man: One. Two. Three. Four. I don't wanna live no more!
Viper: Dude, this isn't healthy. You don't have the right mindset to win anymore. You're not looking out for yourself. At your size and with your neck, you're going to end up hurt.
Above Average Man: Good. I want Asmodeous to kill me. I want to die. It's my time.
Viper: Well, okay man. But if you died, you wouldn't get to talk to Jenny ever again.
Above Average Man sighs at the mention of his hot chick.
Above Average Man: I already won't ever be able to talk to her again. She's got Tanner.
Viper: If you say so. But she seems to think differantly.
Above Average Man: What! Dude, don't kid me like that.
Viper: Not kidding.
Viper climbs back into his car and starts it up.
Above Average Man: Adam! Wait!
Viper pulls away. Above Average Man looks to the camera, a rediscovered focus in his eyes.
Above Average Man: Asmodeous, you are so dead.
fade to black
The camera opens on Above Average Man walking down the median of Interstate I80 running through Minniapolis. A black gunney sack is slung over his shoulder. He doesn't wear a shirt, the sweat gleaming in a very unflattering way on his shoulders, while the scar from his neck surjery runs out from under his rat-tail and down to his sixth vertibrae, standing out as a pink stripe amidst the tan covering his upper body. His grayed cargo pants are returning to black, solely because they are soaked with his sweat from the fourteen hour walk he's been on to get into his old hangout. As Above Average Man reaches the city limits, most definately on the slum side of town, he pauses for a moment and raises his arm to shield his eyes from the sun. Adjusting the gunney sack, Above Average Man takes a deep breath and marches on. Taking a rush across the four lanes, Above Average Man walks down the offramp and into a series of factory type buildings. The sentinels tower arround him as he walks through this urban jungle, his eyes transfixed four blocks away on a large apartment complex. Above Average Man speaks behind his glazed over eyes, his voice staying fairly monotone.
Above Average Man: Jenny wants to talk to me again. I don't know why. But I know I'm not worthy of her presense. She's been my inspiration for the past five months, while I've been sitting on the streets, fighting my way through this drunken haze and struggling to just survive, I've always thought that some day she'd come back. And when she did, I'd have something to impress her. Something to make her think that I am somebody. But with the shutdown of GCW. And then the OWF. And the RPWL. And on and on, I realize that everything I touch turns to shit. I'm a curse. That's why, when she finally comes looking for me, I'm suddenly off four states. You know, I've always said there's no going home. But I was thinking of it the wrong way. I was thinking about home being where I grew up. Home being with my parents. But where I grew up wasn't exactly where my body matured. I grew more here, in Minniapolis, then I did with my folks in New York. And it's time for me to go home and see my real family. It's been a long time. Not since I killed the RPWL have I seen Billy or Paul, but I guess I'm long passed due. It's time for a family reunion.
Above Average Man reaches the front door of the run-down apartment complex. He looks up a few flights, hearing screams coming fom the windows on the fifth floor. Above Average Man snickers. He walks inside, a humid stench of sweat and poor plumbing nearly knocking him over. He looks at the elevator shaft, which is, of course, out of order. Above Average Man takes to the stairs, his voice echoing off along with his footsteps.
Above Average Man: Asmodeous, you're merely an obsticle. That's really all you amount to. I've finally gotten to the position that I can have the one thing that I care about, and it has nothing to do with wrestling. I have someone that matters to me. And I'm going to be someone she can be proud of. Look at me. I'm nothing. But not for very much longer. The last hope of the GCW has found a reason to live... a reason to win. I have to impress her. I have to be worthy. When I look to Jenny, I don't want to tell her I've spent the past year wrestling. And that I was so "great" that I ended up unemployeed and living off the streets. When I go to face Jenny, I'm going to hand her one of the Last Man Standing Titles and say, "Babe, look what I did for you". I want her to know how much I care. I've never exactly been great with words, but I've have a moderate success in the ring. So I guess I just gotta stick to what I know. I'm a new man. And Asmodeous, you're going to be the first one that I "prove" myself with. By beating you, I put myself into the position to walk away in the title running. And with one of those titles, I can finally face the world without knowing I'm a loser. I am finally going to have something to show for all my hard work. But for now, all I have to worry about is Asmodeous. By beating him, I dominate division 22 and show the world that I am not someone to be overlooked. Not any more. There are a few men in this tournament I've taken note of. A few that are getting underrated like myself. Dickie Wreenkle. Bad Hair. Just a few that deserve better than they get. Those are the ones that I'm especially watching. There's nothing more dangerous than the man who doesn't get touched until you're done. I know. That's who I am. And since the C Plus Wrestler is the smallest active man in this tournament, I really don't have much of a choice but to play this defensively and pray alot. But I'm not worried. I heard something way back when about l- well, the L-word conquering all. And that's what I'm hoping to prove.
Above Average Man reaches the top of the fifth floor and steps out of the stairwell. Walking down the hall, Above Average Man reaches a door that rests on the hinges by a coathanger jammed awkwardly through the side. On the door, about five feet from the floor, is a star that reads "The Biggest Man In The World". Above Average Man cracks a smile. He pushes the door open, walking on in. A man perks up from the couch across the room, looking at the intruder. He calls out for a moment, then catches himself.
man: Bryan? Is that you?
Above Average Man: Yeah Paul. And we've got some work to do. Where's Billy?
man: He went back to Louisianna to defend his unified titles. Why?
Above Average Man: I've got to train. The old way. It's time that I got back in the swing of things. I'm in the Last Man Standing tournament, and there ain't no way in hell that I'm letting a bunch of self-absorbed hot shots get the best of the C Plus Wrestler himself...
man: And The Biggest Man In The World...
The man stands up on the couch, approximately four feet tall. He snatches his RPWL US Title off the back of the sofa and starts heading for the door. His shirt reads "Midget Giant: Instructions for a choke slam". In smaller print, only step one can be read, which involves standing on top of the turnbuckle. Midget Giant brushes by Above Average Man and out the door.
Above Average Man: Frustrated Incorporated will never die. Above Average Man, Midget Giant, and Billy Bubba Bo Bob Ray, the family is coming back together.
The sod has spoken
TIME TO RUMBLE
The camera opens from the passenger's seat of Midget Giant's 1983 Chevy Celebrity. Midget Giant sits in the driver's seat on top of a couch cushion, his Biggest Man In The World tee carefully smoothed out with pride. An eight inch soap box is tied with twine around each of his feet so he can reach the pedals. His long black hair is tied back in a braid which is flipped over his left shoulder. Midget Giant concentrates on the road while the rain beats down on the windshield, only occasionally glancing over his shoulder to Above Average Man who lays in the back seat. A bottle of Jack Daniel's Rye rests between his thighs and he stares up blankly at the ceiling of the car, where the padding is coming unglued from the smoke of too many cigarettes.
Above Average Man: Thanks bro. You were a load of help out there yesterday. It's great to have someone I can trust back in my corner. Asmodeous was big. Real big. I was worried for a while. But you showed me the way, Paul. Thanks man.
Midget Giant: Well, if there's one man that knows the tactics of a big man, it's me. I mean, I stand a mighty four feet tall. I'm used to manhandling the opposition. And it just so happens that that runt, Asmodeous, had to copy my finisher. We all know that only one man stands high atop a turnbuckle and chokeslams people, and it's The Biggest Man In The World, the Midget Giant, Paul Black. I nearly got thrown out of my midget wrestling division for being an incredable four feet tall, but I found the loopholes. And I am the greatest midget in the world.
Above Average Man: You're the greatest friend in the world. How long until we find Billy?
Midget Giant: About two hundred miles.
Above Average Man: Well, like I said. I appreciate all the preparation you helped me with, but now I've got an even tougher challenge. It's round two. I'm in sixteen man battle royal. The world's top competition is all getting into one of two rings, and then they throw me into the mix. There are just so many differant people; how can I pull something like this off?
Midget Giant: Well, first, we get your ass off the streets and into a gym. I know at a hundred and seventy pounds, strength isn't a card that you need to be playing. You're not the kind of guy who goes hunting his opposition in this thing. You need to pick your shots. You can do it.
Above Average Man: I know I can. I've been in battle royals before, remember? This is actually the kind of match where I excel. I don't claim to be good at anything, and I'm not saying I'm some master rumbler. But I get overlooked. People forget to work me over. People let me slide for too long. And in the end, it costs them. That's how I got out before, and that's about the only way I'll be able to pull this one off.
Above Average Man takes a long draw off of his whiskey. His hair falls from grace into his eyes, while he drops his head forward after the drink. He licks his lips deliberately, then leans back, trying to clear his mind. Above Average Man gently sets his bottle of whiskey on the floorboard and stares up at the broken dome light, talking off into the distance.
Above Average Man: I've already skimmed over the competition. A few people aren't certain, but I've got a good idea of who I'm up against. Knowing your competition is the second most important aspect of a battle royal. But of course, I was more worried about my own third match of the division than anyone elses, so I can't be certain. As soon as I got out of that ring, I took straight to the bottle.
Midget Giant: But Bryan, I thought you were going to stop drinking. I mean, we're back together. Jenny's looking forward to seeing you again. Your life is finally starting to come together again. Why do you need to hide behind the bottle. I think you're strong enough to beat this habit. You don't need the liquor to survive anymore.
Above Average Man: I'm not about needs. I'm about desire. Sure, the alcohol doesn't help. Sure, I'm just numbing myself to the world. But it's because it makes things easier. And of the infinate paths towards a goal, the easiest is the best. A battle royal is alot like life in that respect. There are a million ways to win, but when it comes down to it, if someone wins by walking out there, taking on fifteen men by himself, and single-handedly throwing each and every one of them out, and a differant man was to win by hiding through the whole thing and cheapshotting the next to last man, what's the differance? The end result is the same. I guess I'd rather take the easy way and have my bottle... my crutch, so to speak, rather than face life knowing that I have to do everything alone.
Midget Giant: You're not alone, Bryan. Not any more. Frustrated Incorporated is back. And with me and Billy, you can pull this off. You've got the right people in your corner. You've got more motivation than anyone else, what with the fate of GCW riding on this-
Above Average Man: It's not about GCW any more. I'm ready to cash in on the legacy. I want to settle down. I want to have a normal life again, without wondering if I'm going to be able to walk at the end of the week. It's time that I found a stopping point. And now that Jenny's back, now that I have someone to share my life with, someone to make life worth living for, I think I can finally be happy. I don't need wrestling. I just need her.
Midget Giant: Then why are you still here? Why don't you go to her right now? Why are you still risking your life, just for a chance at one of those title belts? With the fifteen other men you'll be squaring off against, I most definately wouldn't go into this match without being one hundred percent fixed on your goal. Tell me, Bryan, why are you doing it? Why are you still wrestling?
Above Average Man: I'm doing it... because... because deep down, I know I'm still not good enough. Even after all I've done, I'm nothing. I don't even deserve to be in this thing. But if I can come through, if I can walk out of this tournament with even the Underdog Title, I'll open some eyes. I'll get credit for everything I've done. I'll finally be able to look back at my eleven month career and say "that meant something. That was worth something. They said I'd never make it, but I proved them wrong." That's why I've got to win this thing. I've got to have something to show for all the hours, all the blood and sweat I've put into wrestling. I need something concrete. Otherwise, why bother.
Above Average Man stops and takes another drink of his whiskey. There is an uncomfortable silence. Midget Giant shifts restlessly in his seat, while Above Average Man runs his index finger in a circle around the mouth of the bottle. Midget Giant breaks the silence.
Midget Giant: I didn't know the legacy of the man off the street turned star was going to come to an end.
Above Average Man: Neither did I, until I heard that Jenny wanted me back. I've done enough. It's time to disappear into that inevitable obscurity that everyone fades into.
The sod has spoken.
THE C+ RUMBLER
The camera opens on Midget Giant's '83 Chevy Celebrity kicking up mud onto his rusted-out white body. Midget Giant is pumping the gas repeatedly, trying to free his car as it sits on the edge of a southern Louisianna bog. Above Average Man lays in the back seat, face down. The bottle of Jack Daniels Rye is empty. Midget Giant continues to curse under his breath as he revs the car over and over again. Above Average Man's voice comes muffled through the stained cotton of the back seat apolstery.
Above Average Man: I think I'm going to be sick.
Midget Giant blocks him out as he concentrates on trying to free his car. Above Average Man buries his face deep in the seat cushions, trying to block out the feeling to the car and the scent of the bog air. His shoulders slouch in forming the evitable position of the prayer-to-the-porcelein-God. Midget Giant glances over his shoulder for a moment, then turns a bit green at the gills himself.
Midget Giant: Just don't think about it. Concentrate on the rumble. Concentrate on Jenny. Just keep your mind off your stomach. The last thing I need is someone else puking in my car.
Above Average Man: I don't know if I can, man. That was four pints of whiskey. I've probably got alcohol poisoning. I've got to get this stuff out-
Above Average Man clamps his lips together and his cheeks bulge at the first mouthful of vomit. He closes his eyes and swallows it down. He looks up again, his face pale and dark circles forming under his eyes.
Above Average Man: Battle Royal. Battle Royal. Battle Royal.
Midget Giant: You going to be alright?
The car lurches forward as it rips free of the mud and bounces along down the trail. Above Average Man spins up to the door and frantically rolls at the window. Midget Giant shakes his head, dreading the outcome. Above Average Man gets the window down, leans his head out, then pauses.
Above Average Man: It... passed. I feel... okay.
Above Average Man takes a seat in the back of the car again, keeping himself near enough to the window that in case of an emergency, he is ready. Midget Giant seems a bit more relaxed as they bounce through the tree roots and deep ruts of the off-beaten trail. Midget Giant tries to make conversation to keep Above Average Man's mind occupied.
Midget Giant: So Bryan, what about this battle royal? I know you've been watching the competition, especially as of late, but who do you think you'll have to watch in your division? I mean, who's going to be your biggest threat and all? I'm thinking there are a few people you need to watch. I'd say Kenny Rock is one not to overlook. And Titan Bahadur. But I've only been paying attention these past couple days. What's your take?
Midget Giant pauses for an answer, hoping to have gotten Above Average Man's mind of his ailment. Above Average Man leans forward, putting his chin on the bench of the front seat, and looks over Midget Giant's shoulder. After a few deep, soothing breathes, he seems much more pacified.
Above Average Man: There are four men that have absolutely caught my attention and I believe are in my division.
Above Average Man inhales deeply through his nose as they go over another large rut. He seems to momentarily feel sick, but it passes as he concentrates on his competition. Above Average Man breathes deep again, before choking out a single word.
Above Average Man: Icecold.
Midget Giant: Well, hell. Aren't there two Icecold's in this thing? Doesn't sound like either one of them was too far on the bright side. Why worry about him?
Above Average Man: Me and "Da Man" go way back. Back to GCW. Remember when I told you about there. Where I got my start and all. Well, "Da Man" Icecold was the Intercontinental Champion. We only met in one match in GCW. It was the GCW Battle Royal to see who would face Alien for the World Title on the last GCW card ever. Black Cherry won that thing. But as my memory serves me, I was the one who put out Icecold. He was eliminated... in fourth place. At least I think so. I've got it written down somewhere. How did that one end. Oh yeah, I had Cherry down and was ready to win it all, so I could get my second shot at Alien that night, after we drew in our Iron Man US Title match. But then my old friend Omega thought it would be cool to pull me out, after I eliminated him in third place. He was already gone, and he was the one that stole my chance. Cherry couldn't have done it fair. That match was all mine. But I guess it's impressive enough to say that I didn't get thrown out by anyone, even if I did only take second place.
Midget Giant: So that's the only time you've met Icecold? Then why sweat him so much?
Above Average Man: Well, that was the only time I met him in GCW. But then there was the OWF. We met twice. Two differant battle royals. The first, for the US Title, I won it all. I put Icecold out myself and he placed fourth. He let down his guard for a moment when he thought he had a chance to put out the dead man, and he turned his back on way too many people. And, well, I pick my shots carefully. They both went out with one easy shove. I put out seven of those nine other men I fought. I wish I could say I'd been the one to personally eliminate each and every one of them, but sadly, two of them went out within the first couple minutes, before I had even done anything. I guess I just have to settle for eliminating all the top competition. But Icecold in particular, I took out for a second time.
Midget Giant: When was the last time? I mean, what happened one on one?
Above Average Man: Me and ol' Icey never went one on one. The last match was the controversial battle royal that shut down the OWF. The one where I put out Icecold, PlaYa, Kozmo, well, hell, basically everyone. Unlike the second time, though, I didn't win it all this time around. When Chaimber decided to come back to the fold, I did the job for him. After eliminating each and every other man alongside my fellow PlaYa Hater tag team partner Jesse Williams, me and Jesse just got up and left. I took second place, because I walked away myself to help out my friend Chaimber. Come to think of it, I've been in three battle royals with Icecold, I threw him out myself all three times, and I was never thrown out of any of them. I won one and placed second the other two times, but still, nobody was ever able to put me over the top.
Midget Giant: What about when Icecold wasn't around? He'll be digging up footage. I know you've been in more than three battle royals. Aside from our one in the RPWL, what else?
Above Average Man: Well, there was the one in DRW. I won it. No biggy. But I think the RPWL one shows off the best of my talents. After all, that was the only time I ever fought against you...
Midget Giant: I know. And you put me out. That's why you got to name Frustrated Inc. You beat all the rest of us. Happy now?
Above Average Man: No tension, dude. I'm proud of that win. That was one of the few things that won me some respect. When I think about me being one of the two people who ever pulled a win over you, I actually don't hate myself. I feel confident. Like I could beat anybody.
Midget Giant: [grudgingly] So Icecold's not that big of a problem, except the personal vendetta he's probably got against you. He's got alot to prove in the ring against you.
Above Average Man: And I've got alot to prove to the entire world.
Midget Giant: Well, you said four competitors. Who's next on the list of men to watch?
Above Average Man: "Crybaby" Carter Hayes. I look at this guy and I think of a few old friends I used to have from GCW. People can say what they will, but I know something about Hayes. The man wouldn't cry after a loss if he was used to losing. He's got more skill than he likes to let on. Remember when I formed the Jobber-onies in EKKF? We used that very same tactic ourselves. We brought together the biggest group of underestimated no ones the world had ever seen, then used them to springboard some serious wins. If you don't believe in your abilities, your opponents won't either. I guess, in some ways, self confidence is a curse. Hayes is a dangerous man.
Midget Giant: I still don't believe it. Look at me. The only man to hold every title in the RPWL, and nobody underestimated me. I'm The Biggest Man In The World! I could see the fear in my opponents knees, shaking as I climbed that turnbuckle to look them square in the eyes. Then I'd grab them by the throat, Mr Pipe cheering me on the whole time, and I'd hoist them high up into the air. And Wham! Chokeslam! Midget Giant wins again.
Above Average Man: And you'd always "wallop them" with your "mighty push", right?
Midget Giant: Of course. You saw how Raven dropped to that. I'd plow right through the opposition, pushing them right and left.
Midget Giant continues on his delusional power trip. Above Average Man sighs and drops his head down, placing his forhead on the bench. Midget Giant absentmindedly hits a large root to a swamp tree and jars the car off the ground. Above Average Man looks up, sickness returning to his eyes. Midget Giant gets ripped back to reality when he sees Above Average Man's expression in the mirror.
Midget Giant: Window, man. Out the window.
Above Average Man takes several deep breaths, and a calm returns to his face. His stomach settles after a few unpleasant gurgles and he looks straight ahead, his vision fixed on the road, watching for bumps. Above Average Man's voice slowly returns as he feels back up to par.
Above Average Man: The third man to watch is Badhair McGee. Solely on one principle. The rule of C Plus: "any opponent you say can't win, can." The worst mistake an opponent can make is to not take the competition serious enough. I hear day after day the same tired old jokes about me being either "C Minus" or "D Plus". And if one more person calls me "Below Average Man" I think I'm going to scream. I never wanted to be saddled with this sorry gimmick. But when I wanted to make my break into wrestling, and President Capuchino told me what he wanted to see, I guess I signed my life away too quickly. It's just too hard to break into main events when you sound like a bad joke. But being here, getting ready for the Battle Royal, says alot for anyone's abilities. This is where we get too see who pretends to suck, and who genuinely does. Badhair's still around. He's gone through the competition, just the same as the rest of us. I'd say he's going to be one of the most dangerous men, because I doubt anyone will take the time to wear him down in the beginning. The same thing that has propelled me to the top time and time again in battle royals, supports Badhair McGee. If I don't take him out, no one else may bother. And for every moment a man stays fresh in a war like this, his chances to win increase exponentially. McGee will definately be a man that I will have to watch. Yeah, Icecold, Hayes, and McGee.
Midget Giant: But what about the fourth man? You said there were four you were watching.
Above Average Man: Fallen. His ass is mine. With him, I'm letting it get very personal.
Midget Giant: But Bryan, that's totally not like you. What did Fallen do that was so terrible?
Above Average Man: Fallen beat my brother. Fallen took Alien out of the tournament. Fallen ruined my chance to get my hands on my brother, Chris, and show him that mom and dad were wrong. I can be better than him. I was going to take him out myself, and finally get to prove myself against the only man who's beat me...
Midget Giant: Twice.
Above Average Man: Yes, twice. The man who gave me my only two losses. The man who broke my neck and nearly ended my career. The man who destroyed my life. Alien. Chris Barnes. My brother. Fallen, you stole my opportunity for revenge. I can't beat Alien now. I can't show the world that I'm the better one. So all I can do is beat you within an inch of your sorry life, and then say "I beat Fallen, and Fallen beat Alien." That's going to have to do. Fallen, I've got a broken home. And I like it that way. I wanted to do a little permanent damage as some payback for all the "brotherly love" that Alien's shown me. But you had to stand in my way. You're like one of those Conflict Managers from grade school. The kind that kept everyone from fighting. But I'm real sorry. Any time one of them came between me and Chris, we both beat the hell out of him, and then Chris took me down. This time I wanted to be differant. And it was. But not in the way I wanted. I didn't get to beat Chris. You did it for me. I suppose I should thank you for taking the greatest competitor out of this tournament, but I was looking forward to getting him in the ring again. You robbed me of the one thing I wanted more than the title. And I'm going to have to make you pay.
The sod has spoken
As if on cue, Midget Giant eases to a stop outside of the Louisianna Wrasslin' Organ-o-za-shun arena building. Midget Giant and Above Average Man look up at the sign, written out by the inbred hicks who run the place, then slowly climb out of the car. Above Average Man's feet sink into the mud of the parking lot, while on the opposite side, Midget Giant sinks nearly to his waist. Four men dress in overalls sit on rocking chairs outside of the arena. The first holds a banjo, the second a harmonica, the third a fiddle, and the fourth a jug. The banjo man tips his straw hat down over his eyes and prepares to play. They chime in, starting quite a large racket which only remotely resembles "music". A large, overweight man steps through the main wearing overalls and a bright yellow t-shirt that reads "Guns don't kill people. I kill people." He smiles his dopey grin, showing off his sole tooth, and whistles. A twelve foot long aligator comes brushing out behind him.
Billy Bubba Bo Bob Ray: Weel, shoot. Billy thought yoos guys were my ah-po-zishun for the night. Billy's and Bessie been waitin' forever. And what the hell do y'all be doin' way down here?
Above Average Man: I'm going to need a little help training for a match. Let's just say, I've been out of practice for a while.
Billy Bubba Bo Bob Ray: Weel, shoot. Billy'd be more din happy to help out, ol' bud. More din happy.
Billy scoops up both Above Average Man and Midget Giant with one fail swoop of his arms, scooping them into an enormous hug and nearly crushing them. Midget Giant's voice muffles out from his voice, while Above Average Man gags for a moment. Above Average Man finally loses control, vomiting all down the back of Billy's shirt. Billy drops them both down into a rather large mud puddle, then breaks up in laughter, slapping himself on the knee. Billy's family/band breaks into his ruckous of theme music and Billy starts singing his Hillbilly Stomp song. Above Average Man and Midget Giant grin, then stand up and join in.
Hillbilly Stomp. Hillbilly Stomp. Hillbilly Hillbilly Hillbilly Stomp.
fade to black.
HOW TO CAPITALIZE
The camera opens on the Lousianna Byou Wrasslin' Ah-so-see-ashun's Wendesday lineup card. Above Average Man, Midget Giant, and Billy Bubba Bo Bob Ray sit around a small card table, the match listings sitting in the center. Midget Giant has got one arm over Billy's shoulder, pointing down at the card and trying to explain something. The camera closes in to where the card reads the main event.
Main Event: Gator Wrasslin' Championship: Billy Bubba Bo Bob Ray(c) vs. the gator kid
Billy has just finished signing the document that will give Gator Kid his title shot. Midget Giant shakes his head frustrated.
Midget Giant: You don't understand. You have to capitalize "Gator Kid". It's a proper noun. It's his name. Capital G. Capital K. Come on, Billy. Didn't they teach you this stuff in thir- ah, hell. I'm just setting myself up there.
Billy Bubba Bo Bob Ray: But Billy just don't get it. If Billy writes about a gator, it be gator. If Billy rights about a kid, it be kid. So why don't Gator Kid be like them?
Midget Giant: It's your opponent's name. You have to capitalize.
Through this entire ordeal, Above Average Man remains a quiet distance, deep in thought concerning the upcoming battle royal. Above Average Man looks in front of him, where a single Zima sits on the table, half empty. It's warm and lost all it's carbonation, but Above Average Man still doesn't hesitate to take a sip, enjoying the mind-numbing toxins. His eyes return to their distant state while he talks quietly to himself.
Above Average Man: Capitalize on your opponents.
Billy looks up at Above Average Man, just starting to grasp the concepts of basic english. He smiles his toothless grin, and nods over at Above Average Man. Above Average Man doesn't seem to notice as he concentrates more and more on the battle royal, losing touch with his surroundings.
Above Average Man: [to himself] I know what Hayes is, moreso than anyone else in this tournament. Because Carter... is me. We're so similar, yet so differant. We've both got the skill to get the job done. We both don't get the credit we deserve. And we both will probably be completely overlooked in this match. Give Vegas a call, Above Average Man in a hundred to one shot. But whoever's been betting on me so far would be a freakin' millionaire. Looking at Carter is like looking in the mirror. For once, I'm not facing some pompous, holier-than-thou asshole. He tries to keep a humble face, at least in public. But that's where the division starts. Carter uses his image as a shield, which protects him from the pressures of the main eventers. By not getting that credit, he doesn't have near as many people gunning for him. But me, I handle this the only way I know how. It's not that I don't want to be a main event, I would like to see kids wearing Above Average Man t-shirts and playing with my action figures, but it's just not going to happen. I'm nothing impressive. Hell, I'm nothing. Nothing without Jenny. That's why I've got to do this. I've got to prove that I can be a main eventer too. I've got to hold my federation together. I've got to prove that I'm worth something; that I'm good enough for Jenny. And if winning this thing is the only way, then so be it.
Billy and Midget Giant stare at Above Average Man in disbelief. Above Average Man gets ripped back to reality, remember where he is at and what he was doing. He looks up to Billy and Midget Giant, somewhat embarassed at his ranting, then tries to spark up enough of a conversation to end the awkward silence.
Above Average Man: So Midge, what would you say would be the smartest thing to do about Hayes? The man has talent, whether he lets it on or not, and apparently I spooked him because he's now concentrating on me and me alone. If this guy puts out a hit on me, then I'll be fighting just to survive from moment one, and normally I get ignored until about the seventh or eighth minute of a battle royal. Carter's brought up quite the point. Now that I know what he's up to, how do I use that knowledge to take advantage of him, and make sure that it's Above Average Man at the end of the match?
Midget Giant: Shit, man. Carter did that to himself. You've already got it figured out, and you don't even know it. Where as, you're looking at the match as a whole, Carter's looking at you, the most dangerous man to his chances. You're the one that Carter knows is a threat to him, because you're the one that sits right in front of his face, not trying to hide a thing. But Carter's pulling one of the worst mistakes he can in a battle royal. He's looking at the opposition and not the match. That isn't how a battle royal is won. If Carter goes out there, only worrying about you, then maybe he'll put you out, and maybe he won't. But he won't be ready for the fifteen other men in this match. And when he lets his guard down, someone else will do the work for you. That's when someone he didn't even notice puts him out.
Above Average Man: The rule of C Plus: "The one who you think can't beat you, can". I guess I was making the same mistake though. Just because some people are more dangerous then others, doens't mean that you shouldn't prepare for everyone. I've got more to worry about than just Carter, and he's got the same. I need to do things the right way, keep a low profile, and try not to attract too much attention. Then, when everyone else has done all the real work, I just come in and sweep up the peices.
Billy Bubba Bo Bob Ray: Y'all know what Billy thinks? Billy thinks that ya need to scream really loud. Then, when they're all scared of ya, ya just push 'em over the top. That always works for Billy.
Above Average Man: Billy, that might work for you, but I'm five eleven and a hundred seventy pounds. I don't exactly strike fear into the hearts of my opponents. It's not like I'm some three hundred pound gator wrestler...
Midget Giant: Or The Biggest Man In The World!
Above Average Man and Billy turn to Midget Giant, shaking their head in disbelief. Midget Giant is practically beaming with pride. Above Average Man shrugs, letting him have his moment in the spotlight. Above Average Man turns to Billy, trying to hold a rational conversation.
Above Average Man: So Billy, what do I do about the other people who aren't paying as much attention to me? They could be just as much of a threat as Carter, moreso actually. Because I'm not as prepared for them. The people who pretend they don't care about, what about them? What do I do?
Billy Bubba Bo Bob Ray: Weel shoot, just let them do as much work on everyone else as they weel. Then push 'em from behind. Every time someone leaves 'emself open, put 'em out. They can't watch their back forever with fifteen other men there. And anyone who comes in on the offensive will be easy pickin's.
Above Average Man: I guess so. That always worked before. Here's hoping. But you know, after what Fallen did to my brother, I'm going to be one of those people on the attack too. I'm approaching this differantly than I've ever done before. This time, I'm the hunter. And Fallen is the prey. I know it will leave me a little more vulnrable, but I'm pretty sure I can get rid of him early on. Then it's just watch my back, and keep a close eye on Carter. Nobody knows what the C Plus has in store. And I'm about to open some eyes.
The sod has spoken
The camera opens on Billy Bubba Bo Bob Ray with his back turned to the camera. His head is leaning up against a tree and he has covered his eyes, while he counts very slowly, having to concentrate a great deal. After a few moments, Billy's pants start to sag down, showing his butt crack. Billy scratches himself for a breif moment, then pulls up his pants and fastens the left side of his overalls. He curses for a moment as he realizes he has lost count, so he grudgingly starts over again. The camera takes a slow, one hundred eighty degree turn, first panning over Above Average Man sitting on a park bench, dripping alcohol from his Korski's Vodka bottle onto the ground and watching the squirrels get drunk. The two male squirrels stumble off towards a tree, but seem unable to climb when they get there. Above Average Man snickers. He pulls his "Straight ^" cap down over his eyes, leaning back and relaxing under the shade of the large tree looming over the park bench. A sneeze is heard. The camera closes in over Above Average Man's shoulder on a bush in the distance. Midget Giant's boots are seen from beneath it and the branches rustle for a second. Billy stumbles in his counting again, leaving out seven.
Above Average Man: Eight. Nine. Ten. Come on, Billy. It's not that hard.
Billy turns away from the tree, grinning stupidly. His single tooth shines yellow in the noonday sun.
Billy Bubba Bo Bob Ray: Ready or not, here I come.
Billy looks about for a moment, surveying the park. Children sit atop of hill, having a picnic. A couple is on a bench alongside a small pond, feeding a small flock of ducks. The drunken male squirrels roll over his feet, trying to have sex with each other. Billy looks down confused, but shrugs not understanding yet another of life's mysteries. Above Average Man waves at Billy and Billy nods in acknowledgement, turning his attention back to his search.
Above Average Man: It's amazing how badly people can overlook something that is right under their nose. I don't have to hide, but I don't have to go out of my way being flamboyant. Having press conferances with the President and the Pope will just end up putting a huge bullseye on your head. But then there are always going to be people who believe that they are invincable and ensured victory. To each his own, I guess. I don't go into this match with that same confidence. Nothing in life is ever easy, at least not for me anyways. I can't even give my ex-girlfriend a call without having to beat about a zillion guys to win a belt and impress her. But hey, when life's hard, you get used to fighting for everything. And that's what I've got in front of me again. Very few people even realize I'm in this thing. Does that upset me? Nah. I'm used to being treated like shit. Even if I won this whole thing, I'd still have to sit through the same old jokes about being "Below Average Man". Good lord. And the drinking. Oh yeah. Well, the same people who say that my [sighs] problem is going to cost me, are the ones saying that mental preparation is ninety percent of the match. Drinking makes me happy. Drinking makes me feel good. Drinking makes me not wish I were dead. And those are three things I like in my mindset as I enter the ring. I'm not too worried. Whatever happens happens. I'll just do my best to place in this thing, and do everything in my power to chuck Fallen out early on. I don't take kindly to what he did to my brother. I've thrown down the guantlet for once, and I told him that he's my mark. He doesn't seem to notice, or doesn't seem to care. So I guess I'll just have to shove him out from behind to get the point across.
Billy walks over to Above Average Man with a look of realization on his face. Billy kneels down beside Above Average Man, chewing on his bottom lip.
Billy Bubba Bo Bob Ray: Hey Bryan, Billy's s'posed to be looking for you guys to get you out. And-
Above Average Man cuts in, guesturing over his shoulder with his thumb. Billy looks up and sees Midget Giant's boots from under the bush. Billy looks back to Above Average Man, starting to understand.
Above Average Man: He's in the bush. Have at it.
Billy walks off towards the bush, grinning broadly. Above Average Man stands up, turning his back on Billy and Midget Giant. Midget Giant peeks out of the bush for a moment, coming nose to nose with Billy. Billy lunges into the bush and Midget Giant rolls out, frantically looking for a place to hide. Above Average Man continues his leasurely stroll across the park.
Above Average Man: I am most definately not a people person. I don't understand them. I don't like them. They don't like me. Basically, when I envolve myself with anyone else, outside of Frustrated Incorporated that is, things go bad. Nobody is going to understand what I've been through or why I'm like that. And without Alien here to make things crystal clear, there's no point in telling my sob story. No one would care anyway. People hurt me. They've been the downfall of my entire life. I guess that's why I prefer to be alone. Even in a crowd, I'm still alone.
Above Average Man glances over his shoulder. Billy screams out "Got cha" and tackles a small child at the picnic. Midget Giant breaks out in laughter, stepping out from behind a tree about ten feet away. Billy stands up, discarding the child, and rushes off after Midget Giant who is still desparately running from the huge gator wrestler. Above Average Man continues his leasurely stroll.
Above Average Man: To the fake Icecold, and by that I mean the one that hasn't fought me and lost before, I'm a little confused. I'll just let you in on a secret that I've learned from fighting battle royal after battle royal and never once getting thrown out. Icey, whereas you say my knowing someone will be my downfall, I would say that knowing the competition is a huge advantage. You can watch all the footage you want, and study their histories and strengths and weaknesses, but nothing can top in-ring experience with that exact same opponent. So give your tired little excuses with one vague reason why each person can't win, and maybe you'll win by default? Is that how it goes? No. Everybody's got their own weak point. Knowing them is one thing. Capitalizing on them is another. And when I've already proved it in the ring, I think your little assumptions are just going to get you all too overconfident. Trust me, bro. You win by being the best, not by hoping your opponents are all going to screw up. But since I'm only even talking to you because you're my opponent, you probably won't believe me. Do whatever. I really don't care. But in the end, well, if I was even going to bother speaking to you, I'd be saying I told you say.
Billy makes a diving tackle, smearing Midget Giant into the freshly cut grass. The two tumble for a few moments before rolling out on the grass laughing. Midget Giant looks up at the sky, sighing over his elimination.
Midget Giant: I just let you win, Billy. You know that you're way to slow to catch me if I'm really trying.
Billy Bubba Bo Bob Ray: Whatever you say, stubby legs.
Midget Giant: Kiss off, bayou breath.
Above Average Man stops at the tree that Billy was counting at earlier. He taps it with his index finger, then turns back to his friends. Midget Giant and Billy look at each other for a moment, then scream out in unison.
Billy and Midge: D'oh!
Above Average Man doesn't bother to brag or tell them about how they'd overlooked him. He simply sits down at the roots of the tree and shields himself from the brightness of the noonday sun. Holding his hand up over his eyes, he looks back to the camera, his point well served.
Above Average Man: Carter, Exxy, Ice, hell, basically everyone in the battle royal needs to realize one important thing. You don't have fifteen men to worry about in this match. You've got one. Look after numero uno and you'll get further than watching the opposition. It doesn't matter how many people you throw out if you're not the last one left. And being as I'm at least fifty pounds smaller than any given opponent, and nobody except Carter seems to even give me half a thought, I'll just sit back and watch the match unfold. You guys can do whatever you want, and I'll just watch out for myself. Then, when it's down to the last three or so, I'll come in with my style of offensive, a nice shove from behind. That's all it takes. I don't care that I'm not "The King of Hardcore"; last hardcore match I had I got my neck broken. I'm the greatest opponent you'll never notice. Get the picture.
The sod has spoken
The camera pulls back to show Billy chucking a frisbee. The twelve foot long gator, Bessie, rears up and catches it in her teeth, puncturing it in several places. Midget Giant grabs the frisbee, trying to pull it from her massive jaws. She tosses him around like a rag doll, having alot of fun with the makeshift game of tug-of-war.
Fade to black.