From: Lizzy
Date: June 2001
Title: De T'Avoir Aimee I: The Return 
Feedback: bebemoulinrouge@mtv.com
Rating: R
Category: RST, S/O, M/A, S/A
Keywords: Romance, Angst, Story
Spoilers: If you have not seen "all things" 
you won't have a clue who one of the 
charcters is so don't even  try. Memento 
Mori, and any other episode pertaining to 
Scully's cancer are also spoilers. You'll 
probably know who Daniel is too if you've read 
"A Night Under The Stars" by Mua....
Summary: One woman, four elements. Three 
men who want to love her, one disease impe
ding it. Who will be stronger?
Disclaim: Mulder and Scully are not my property, 
They are rpoperty of Chris Carter, 1013 productions, 
and 20th century Fox. Although, Michael Lendan 
is my property...oh, and the tiny itty-bitty reference 
about The David Letterman Show...don't sue me, I 
meant no harm!! ::whimpers:: In other words...NO 
infringement is intended. Thank you!



	It's 8:41. She promised to arrive at 8:30. 
What the hell was going on? Ever since she left 
early the tuesday before last for a doctor's 
appointment, she hasen't acted the same. 
Unattached. Distant. Inhibited. She left yesterday 
and today afternoon for "routine exams." He would 
have gone with her but she didn't give him time to 
ask. About a half hour ago she called saying she was 
going to stop by, tell him something serious. 8:42. His 
hands sweat in anticipation. What could it be? Is she 
leaving the FBI? Could it be that---
	A knock. It has to be Scully.
	Mulder rushed his way to the door, sweaty 
and nervous hands turning the knob, until he finally 
saw in her in full view. 
	Still in work attire, she sauntered through the 
room somewhat uneasy. She carried a medical folder 
and a straight-laced look on her face. Mulder closed 
the door behind her and turned to face the news. 
Obviously, it had something to do with her, with 
her health. But it coulden't possibly be what Mulder 
had been fearing. A sigh escaped from her mouth as 
she handed him the folder. 
	"What is this?" asked Mulder, intrigued 
features on his face. 
	"These...are results of a few tests I had run. 
That Tuesday that I went to my checkup...the blood 
tests didn't come back clean." explained Scully. 
Mulder flipped through the results trying to find a 
quicker answer that Scully was providing him with. 
	"What do you mean they didn't come back 
clean? What's going on, Scully?" he stared at her while 
her eyes lost contact and roamed through the room. 
She turned and stepped closer to the window.
	"They found the cellular composition," she 
said, turning back to him, "to be somewhat abnormal. 
They ran a second one and it turned up the same 
results. Yesterday, they ran me through a CAT scan."
	"And?" Mulder's voice became louder. Scully 
had him in such a state of anticipation, he coulden't 
help but raising his voice.
	"And...they found that..."
	"That what Scully?"
	"My cancer is out of remission." The phrase he 
feared. The words they never wanted to hear. The 
expression that reopened a whole world of problems. 
The sentence that Mulder could not believe, but 
because he had to his only outlet was anger.
	"What? Scully, they told you the chip---!"
	"The chip is gone, Mulder! It's gone! It's not 
there, it dissolved---vanished, dissappeared. It didn't 
show up on the CAT scan, or any of the X-rays they 
took. It's gone." Scully yelled. She didn't know how to 
tell him this, much less how he was taking it. She cried 
on the way to Mulder's house, dried her tears right 
before the elevator doors led her to the fourth floor. 
Right now she saw Mulder holding the tears back, his 
usual reaction to all things sensitive. She saw her best 
friend try to understand what was going on and asking 
himself why and knowing he thought she was going to 
be alright after the first strike. But she wasen't. Scully 
knew it and Mulder knew it, too that she wasen't okay. 
Her eyes saw him walk to face the wall. Mulder struck it 
in a blow of rage, not holding anything back. Scully 
put her hand over her mouth.
	"Mulder..." she whispered, aggravated and 
beginning to feel the moist in her eyes. "Don't do this."
	"There has to be something wrong, Scully! 
There has to be something wrong! There has to be..." 
Mulder's voice faded as she pulled him into an embrace. 
She didnt want to see him like this. She refused to. 
Scully led him to the couch, where they still held on to 
each other, like clinging for dear life.
	"I'm sorry..." Scully whispered in his ear. 
Words which were of no comfort to Mulder. "Mulder, 
listen to me. I know what you thinking and I want you 
to stop it," she told him, but Mulder knew he coulden't. 
"...stop blaming yourself." With his face buried in her 
shoulder, he mumbled,
	"Who else is there to blame, Scully?"
	"It's no one's fault. No one is resposible for 
what is happening to me."
	"There is someone responsible," he said 
somewhat louder. They separated and locked their 
eyes on each other. How could this happen to her? 
Again....She didn't deserve it. 
	"If there is, Mulder, it's anyone but you. I've 
told you a hundred times, it was my choice to stay." A 
tear dripped from Scully's eye and she wiped it clear 
quickly, turning her head, and fitting herself into 
Mulder's arms once again.


	
	I woke up to the nightmare the next 
morning feeling worse than before. Tired and with 
stinging eyes, I scanned the living room to find 
Scully no where in sight. She fell asleep here last 
night, I even waited till I heard her breathing to fall 
asleep myself. I ran to the kitchen. Not there. Bedroom, 
no sight of her. Knocked on the bathroom door before 
going in, no answer. maybe she left a note. If she did, 
she didn't leave it on the coffee table. Maybe she 
didn't leave a note at all. She should have woken me up. 
	No, I shouldn't call her. She probably wants to 
be alone. I regained by spot on the couch, layed my 
head back and rubbed my eyes. 
	Inevitably, my mind came back to it. That damn 
cancer. That disease that follows her like a fucking curse. 
It's killing her softly, it's been killing her for four years. 
And I can't do a thing about it. That's what pisses me off, 
I can't help her, I can't help Scully get rid of it. They gave 
it to her because of me and I can't do a damn thing for her. 
Nothing.
	The first time it hit her, she was so weak. I remember 
walking through the ward, staring through the window 
of her room...her pale skin was lacking even more color, 
her factions showing tiredness, her wrists held back by 
wires and tubes. She held her collected position towards 
me all the time. Always strong, always. Until she gave me 
the news that her cancer was in remission. Then she let her 
guard down. Over the years, I noticed that she didn't do it 
often but when she did, it was a completely new side of 
each other that we never saw before. 
	Those moments are so diffrent. It's moments like 
those that have brought us together throughout the years. 
Not that me and Scully were ever opposite, distant from 
each other, no, it just took me time to trust her. The REALLY 
trust her. I've become more close to Scully than I ever dared 
to imagine. Sometimes, she's more to me than a partner or my 
best friend. Sometimes, I wish I could put her away so 
that nothing would happen to her. Sometimes, I really 
wish I could be her lover.  


	Finally, home. I felt guilty for leaving Mulder's 
house without notice, without even trying to find a piece 
of paper to leave a note. When I awoke, the first thing I 
had a notion of was the pugnant smell of his body and 
his arms wrapped across my chest. My first thought was 
to stay and linger on the peacefulness that the 
silence and Mulder's heartbeat was offering me. But my 
mind was apparently somewhere confined and separated 
from my actions. I slid out of Mulder's grip, seeing 
him shift at the absence of my body. I drove directly 
home thinking about the six-letter word the entire way. 
Now I sit here in a cotton robe, a cup of tea in my hand, 
and a peaceful state of mind? Not really. 
	I haven't given it much consideration but I've 
began to think that maybe Mulder was right. Maybe this 
cancer is a result of my abduction. After all, I don't 
remember clearly what the hell they did to me. On my own 
account all I can recall is being blinded by the white light, 
the white room concealing nothing but the men. They did 
it all so selectively. So carefully so Dana woulden't 
remember a thing. They thought I woulden't remember a 
thing. Turns out, I'm reminded  almost reccuringly that I 
can't bear children and now it's what I constantly think 
about since this disease is inhibiting my system again. 
	And Mulder keeps insisting that I go see a 
regression therapist. No matter how many times I tell 
him that I don't believe in that crap, that regression 
therapists are only there to create false illusions on the 
breif descriptions that people give to them and then 
empty their pockets out with therapy bills, he still tries 
to convince me that it would be for the best. 
	Since Mulder comes to mind, I can't help 
thinking about the way he's always looking out for me. 
Telling him about the end of my remission last night 
was probably something I could have died without 
doing. Remembering the relief in Mulder's eyes when 
I told him that this cancer was asleep doubled last 
night, but in guilt, when I told him it was back. 
He's always felt guilty. Always taken the blame 
when there is no where to place it. Even when things 
have been my fault, when I've been wrong, he's taken 
the fall for me. 
	And for that I can't help but to love him. 
I do, I do love Mulder. Most certainly not as a 
brother...as a very intimate friend, yes. Maybe 
even more. 
	But feelings don't show very well, I've 
never let them and it's not time to start struggling 
with an emotional expression problem at age 37. 
And I'm too dedicated to my work with Mulder 
and the X-Files to start dealing with these things. 
That's probably why I've never gotten married. 
With the X-Files capturing my full attention a 
relationship, let alone a marrige would be almost 
impossible. But...let's not lose faith Dana, theres 
still eight years till you hit menopause. 
	Checking my wall clock, I spring to my 
feet at the realization that it 3:45.  I have an 
appointment for the first chemo session at 4:30. 
God, help me please. Chemotherapy did wreckless 
damage to my body last time around. Let me 
overcome this. Let me see the rainbow at the end 
of the storm. 


	It's unlikely to find the St. Ashely Medical 
Center so calm on a friday afternoon. Hallways 
were barren of patients and doctors. Nurses were 
at their stations filling patient charts with information 
others speaking on the phone. Candy-stripper 
volunteers no older than 17 were out in the 
courtyard failing to entertain patients. 	
	As Scully made her way through the ward 
of doctors' offices, she read the plastic plaques on 
the doors. She'd been reffered to a Dr. Lendan by 
Dr. Zuckerman, her general medicine doctor. At view 
she saw the door with his name imprinted on the 
plaque. As she came close and raised her hand to 
knock, the door opened by a man on the other side. 
Almost bumping into each other, Scully and Dr. 
Lendan met face to face. 
	"Oh, uh, I'm sorry," he apologized with 
slight smile on his face. At first glance, Scully 
coulden't help to notice Dr. Lendan, a good looking, 
little taller than 5'10, broad shoulders and an 
ostensible strong body type. Scully returned the 
smile and stepped back to regain space but where 
she could still smell the scent of his cologne. 
	"Dana Scully?" Scully extended her hand 
for his. 
	"Yes, Hi."
	"Hi, I'm Micheal Lendan. I was speaking 
to Dr. Zuckerman a little while ago." said Lendan. 
Inviting her in, he closed the door behind them 
and scanned his desk for Scully's medical file.
	"Dr. Zuckerman is fond of you. He also 
tells me your a medical doctor."
	"Yes, a major in forensic sciences. I was 
at the University of Maryland." 
	"Wow. Great medical school." he sounded 
impressed. Scully only managed to whisper a slight 
"yeah..."
	Lendan seemed ready to start inquiring 
about her cancer. He started browsing through 
the medical file, apparently having read it before 
and reviewing it this time around with less care. 
	"So Dana...can I call you Dana?" Scully 
didn't impose. After all, she heard her last name 
one too many times in the day. 
	"Yes, of course."
	"Dana...I see that Dr. Zuckerman 
diagnosed this cancer for the first time in 1997 
and that it does not have a specific location." 
Lendan surveys. Scully feels the question coming 
and she is not in the mood to answer it. 
	"Dr. Zuckerman does not want to call it 
blood cancer, " he continues, "but according to this, 
he writes you consider it being aquired?"
	There you go, Dana. Explain how you 
"aquired" your cancer. *Yes, aquired doctor, 
because I was abducted by aliens and my FBI 
partner thinks that aliens gave me this cancer.* 
she thought *That'll sound real fine.*
	"Well, I don't know if aquired is the right 
word. It's kind of hard to explain." she tried to, yet 
Lendan's face showed true signs of confusion. 
"My partner is a firm believer in aliens, in 
extraterrestrial beings and that they abduct people,"
	"Is this a boyfriend? Husband?"
	"Uh, no...my FBI partner. I work for the 
govenment. " Scully clarified and realized that Mr. 
Doctor wasen't buying any of this. 
	"So, aliens? Is this what you agree on Dana?" 
asked Lendan with a true sense of query. *She 
probably buys this crap,* he thought. 
	"No. I mean, I really don't know the orgin of 
my cancer. That's just my partner's theory." Through 
this rare interogation, Scully stayed firm. She maintained 
an attitude that clearly read she wasen't conviced by 
what Mulder believed, but that she wasen't going to let 
anyone insult his opinion either. Lendan also asked her 
about the metal chip in her neck. Scully answered telling 
him that it had somehow placed her cancer in remission.  
	"But that chip is gone now. And maybe that's 
why my cancer is out of remission." she told Lendan. 
He nodded. 
	Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
	"Excuse me," Scully smiles softly in 
return. "Come in, "
	"Hey Micheal," entered the other doctor, 
"These are the results for---" the doctor stopped 
and took a good look at Scully. Her eyes shifted 
in the doctor's direction as if attracted to a magnet. 
	"Dana..." the doctor said while their 
vision was still locked. Scully swallowed as she broke 
the stare and felt a sense of awkwardness in the room. 
	"Daniel, you know Dana Scully?" asked 
Dr. Lendan. In all aspects of the word "know". 
Yeah, Daniel Waterston knew who Dana Scully was. 
And Scully knew him even better. Daniel didn't 
hesitate in letting Lendan know. 
	"Yes, Dana used to be...a student of mine." 
He wishes that was all she was. 
	"Well, I knew that Dana was a medical doctor 
but never that she was taught by one of the best." 
Daniel smiled, thanking Lendan. His eyes always kept 
coming back to Scully while all she wanted was to 
run out on this. 
	"Anyway, here are the results on Mark 
Vespucci's cardio exam," explained Daniel. "Dr. Seldack 
says that according to the results, the mitomycin their 
treating his cancer with is slowing down his heart rate."
	*You never change, Daniel. Eleven years 
haven't changed your dedication to medicine.* thought 
Scully. She witnessed the short conversation between 
Daniel and Dr. Lendan, yet heard absolutely nothing of 
what they said. Her mind was too busy remembering. 
Scavaging through memories of their hidden love affair.  
Her consience though, was snapping her back to reality. 
Bring her back to the life she was living. The life where 
she knows who Mulder is, the life where her sister 
is dead, and the one where cancer is the main reason 
why she's sitting there that very instant. 
	"Make sure that you go over those and you 
make that change, Michael. We don't want to have to 
run that patient to open heart." said Daniel. He 
handed the file to Lendan and brushed Scully with 
his eyes for what seemed like the millionth time. 
	"Alright, thanks Daniel." Lendan stood to 
accompany him out. Daniel slowed down before 
reaching the door. 
	"Nice to see you again, Dana," he said, 
helplessness mirroring in his eyes.  
	Staring at him in response, she realized she'd 
almost forgotten the paramount feeling in his gaze. The 
sense of lust that existed in their relationship. Their 
lovemaking reached peaks she'd never expirienced 
with anyone else and, even though the sensation of 
debauchery was constantly existant in their meetings, 
Daniel had really showed her real love. A strong, true 
love. And his eyes always said so. 
	"Likewise Daniel." Scully smiled wryly at 
him and directed her attention to something else. 
Lendan finally sought to dismiss Daniel. Could he 
be working at this hospital? Last time she saw him it 
was right here when he had his heart condition. 
Scully saw Lendan return to his desk, Daniel still 
circling in her head. Scully knew extreamely well this 
was not the last time she was going to face Daniel. 
The sound of Dr. Lendan's voice calling her name 
snapped her reality. 
	"Dana?" he asked. Scully gave a light 
hum from the back of her throat. "Should we pick up 
where we left off?"
	That's one question she feared to hear from 
one person -- Daniel.


	
	Making my way through the corridors after 
my meeting with Dr. Lendan, I thought of Mulder again. 
Mulder, Mulder...sweet Mulder. I don't know why 
he came to mind, but he did. 
	God, I haven't even called my mother to 
tell her anything. Or Bill. He's going to be furious. 
Who knows when I get the stamina to tell him. I 
have to e-mail Charlie, too. Even though he hasen't 
been around for all of this, Charlie's like my far away 
confiant. He knows a few things that I woulden't 
dare to tell anyone. Not even Mulder. 
	Mulder is the only one who knows at this 
point about my cancer. I wasen't planning to tell 
anyone else until this cancer became serious. I guess 
you can say it's seeped in enough and now I'm 
realizing: this is getting serious. As a million and one 
things cruised though my head, I heard the 
muffled ring of my phone. Digging in my coat 
pocket, I finally drew out the Nokia. Mulder was 
the caller. Without hesitating I picked it up. 
	"Hi Mulder." I said, the apocryphal tone 
trying to sound cheerful and failing at its best. 
	"Hey," he replied, sounding quite the same. 
"How are you? Where are you?" He was obvously 
trying to not ask me why I had left this morning so 
suddenly. 
	"I'm...okay, I'm at the hospital."
	"What? What happened? Did you have a--"
	"No," I responded, "No, I didn't, I uh, had 
an appointment with the new Chemo doctor."	
	Silence. And nothing but it. Until I 
coulden't stand it anymore. 	
	"So Mulder...what's up?"
	"Oh, nothing. Um," he mumbled. "Hey, I 
was just wondering if I can stop by with dinner 
tonight. You know, I could take out some chinese, 
a bottle of wine." 
	"Mulder..." I whispered softly. 
	"Oh come on, Scully, I was getting happy 
about it," 
	 "No, no, the chinese sounds great but, 
you know I can't drink wine. I'm on medication."
	"Okay, so we'll have orange juice." I 
coulden't help but laugh softly, which was 
exactly what I needed to feel up to it. 
	"Fine. Orange juice and --" choking 
on my words was the only thing I could do. 
	"Scully?" I heard Mulder asking. At 
the same time, Daniel was coming my direction. 
I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. 
There was no escape from him if he was working 
here and he was. I knew it. "Scully?"
	"Yeah...um Mulder, can I talk to you later?"
	"What happened?"	
	"Nothing. Um, my house at 7:00, ok?" 
With that I hung up, not even waiting for a reply 
from Mulder. The worst thing that could happen 
right now was for Daniel to start interogating me 
about him. Reaching me, he whispered my name 
softly. I sighed an uncomfterble sigh, but he didn't 
budge.
	"Please Dana, I have to talk to you." he 
told me. Daniel guided me to his office away from 
the curious nurses and hospital staff and closed 
the door.
	"I really shoulden't be here."	
	"Dana ever since I last saw you, I can't 
stop thinking about you."
	“Daniel…” I coulden’t resist the heat of 
his breath on my neck and let him kiss it. Once, 
twice, three times. He reached my collarbone. 
But, no. I can't. No, Daniel has kids that would 
never accept me. Grandchildren maybe...a life all 
his own. As arousing as he was I coulden't let him.
	"No...Daniel," I said pushing him away, "No. 
It's going to be the same as ten years ago. I can't"
	"It's not the same, Dana. I used to 
be married but that's all in the past now." he several 
steps between us, respecting me as he always has. 
	"It's just...your kids. Maggie especially."
	"I lead my life, not Maggie. She knows 
how I feel about you." he insisted.
	"You know she'd never accept anything 
between us--"
	"So you want to." he caught me 
completely off guard. 
	"No...I mean. Daniel, that's not what I said."	
	"But it's what you meant..." he whispered, 
his crystal blue eyes looking down on me. 
Surprisingly enough, he read me like a book. That's 
exactly what I meant, I just...
	"Daniel, I can't get in a relationship with 
anyone right now," my eyes sort of pooled a little 
when I even thought about it. "I'm sick." His face 
turned softly pale and serious. 
	"What's wrong? I mean, whatever's 
wrong, we can cure you, we're both doctors." 
Daniel told me. There was silence for a couple of 
seconds until I finally spoke.
	"I have cancer. I'm dying." A full tear 
dropped from my eye. With blurry vision, I looked 
up at Daniel who had a stunned look on his face. I 
would imagine that with all his years in medicine, 
having to give diagnostics almost everyday, a doctor 
learns to control his emotions. 
	Not this time.
	His eyes reddened a little as he took a 
deep breath and sighed. I had nothing more to do 
than look towards the ground, unsure of what to 
say next. He turned to face the window behind 
his desk. 
	"Since when?" he finally asked, still 
turned towards the window.
	"I...was diagnosed in 1997. It went into 
remission, but now...its come back." I managed to 
say. The silence returned. Unexpectedly, Daniel 
turned around, closed the gap between us and 
hugged me softly. I wrapped my arms around him, 
returning the gesture.  
	"I've loved you for such a long time that 
I'm not going to let any cancer win you over. 
We're gonna make it, kid. I promise." Daniel told me. 
He pecked his lips on the top of my forehead, sign 
from him I'd been missing for so long. I suddenly 
felt 26 years old again, in his arms where he'd 
never let me go. 	


	
	Late Night. Letterman's on TV. Dana 
Scully's on my mind. How many times has she 
danced into my head since this afternoon when 
she pursed my name with those lips of hers. 
"Dr. Lendan..." she said. God, she's beautiful. 
And she's smart. And vulnerable. You can see 
clear through her like water that that cancer's 
ripping her apart. Take one look into those 
piercing baby blues and you know that she's hurt. 
As far as I know about her, she's not married, she 
has no boyfriend. Only an FBI partner. 
Apparently, she's quite close to him. Dana defends 
him with tiger claws. Parents, too, I suppose. 
Mom and Dad's little girl. She seems like a young 
one in the family. 
	Dana. That's a nice name....Jesus, 
Michael, if I didn't know you any better, I'd say 
you've fallen head over heels for that girl. I have, 
haven't I? 
	Sarah. She reminds me so much of Sarah. 
Even the way Dana brushes her hair out of her face 
reminds me of Sarah. If I just could have done 
something for Sarah, she woulden't be gone. If I 
could have been in the ICU when she arrived, she'd 
probably be alive. She'd still be with us. 
	But maybe life's given me a chance to save 
Dana like I coulden't save Sarah. Dana isn't 
ravished my the cancer, at least not yet. I can still 
save her. She got to me in time and I'm going to 
save her. I'm going to help you through this Dana. 
You're going to make it. I promise. 

[ I'll have part two ready 
as soon as possible! --Lizzy ]