Ric: I mean, how long did you think we were going to live separately?  Forever?
Alexis: That's one way to make a marriage last.

Alexis (holding Ric's melted trophy): This has to go.
Ric: That is my hockey trophy!
Alexis: This is just wrong.

Ric: When was the last time you were at the gym?
Alexis: Why?
Ric: I just...  Ballpark, okay?
Alexis: (hedging) I...  You think I'm fat!
Ric: Oh, no, don't go there.  I'm not going there.  No, no, no.
Alexis: You think I'm fat!  Out of shape!
Ric: No, no, I think you're beautiful.
Alexis: For a fat woman!

Alexis: I look like a stuffed peacock.

Ric: You know, you're a drag.
Alexis: No, I'm dressed in it.
Ric: You are.  You're a big plumed drag.
Alexis: I think that's not very nice.

Alexis (to Kristina): I never said I was okay with my feelings, Kristina… I said I didn't want to share them with you or Ned or Jax or anyone else. Shouldn't that be my choice? Shouldn't that be my prerogative? Is that so hard for all of you to understand? I don't think you care at all about my relationship with Sonny. In fact, I don't think you give a damn about my feelings at all. I think you're all so damn mad at me because I'm in love with a man you can't stand!

Alexis: My Uncles tried to freeze the world. Top that.

Alexis: I don't lurk, I linger.

Alexis: From what I can see they are the first Cassadines from all our illustrious generations that wouldn’t be better of hanged.

Alexis: I hardly draw a breath without adding to the Cassadine cache of potentially useful information.

Alexis: I would’ve been happy to go back to my room at the Port Charles hotel and do this tomorrow.
Stefan: Why do you keep that suite, anyway?  You don’t use it 2 nights in 7.
Alexis:  The same reason I don’t wear too much black.  I like to promote the idea that I might have a life outside the family.
Stefan:  Is it working?
Alexis:  No.

Alexis: I like simple decor, discreet service, and sorbet for desert.

Stefan: There is one small complication.  He wants to drop his tutors and attend Port Charles High.
Alexis:  That’s awful!  What if he starts to wear his baseball cap backwards, or one of those book bags over his shoulder that ruins his posture?  Great, he could even start to roller blade.  Right towards social equality; downhill.

Alexis (in regards to Stefan’s comment that Katherine prevented Nikolas from leaving PC): God knows, he could have taken the first bus out and probably be slinging hash at a road stop in Montana.
Stefan (seriously): Slinging hash?
Alexis:  It’s another Americanism.  I’m afraid I’m subject to them occasionally, too.  Do you think if we stay here long enough the whole clan will be corrupted?
Stefan:  I don’t find that remotely amusing.

Stefan:  But then, everything changes.
Alexis:  It’s the only thing in life we can count on.

Alexis: I’m getting dizzy and I have to draw the line at getting down on my knees.

Alexis: How was school?
Katy:  Full of mean girls who called me names and put gum in my hair.
Alexis: And me without a stick of gum to my name.  Have any?  Or do you find it interferes with walking?

Alexis:  Frogs may make decent princes in fairy tales but murderous adulteresses tend not to make good wives.

Alexis:  I just want to be considered.  
Alexis:  Look at all we’ve accomplished.  We found the man we came to see.
Jax: Dead.
Alexis:  But we found him.

Alexis (about Johnny to Sonny): That’s good.  Very good.  He’s improving.  Last time he introduced me as your mouthpiece.

Edward:  I will not have [Sonny] or Jason in my house on a regular basis.
Alexis (to Ned): I thought you said this is Monica’s house.
Edward:  I’m sure he told you more than that.
Alexis: Excuse me?

Alexis (to Carly): Why don’t you and I have a little chat. It’s woman like you who give woman in general a bad name. You questioned Jason’s legal right to Michael and let me lay this out for you, actually listen very closely and you’ll hear the part about how you end up back at Ferncliff.
Carly: You have my attention.
Alexis: Good. Guess who perjured herself and defrauded the Quartermaines by putting Jason’s name on Michael’s birth certificate?
Carly: That’s funny but the Quartermaines have managed to get past that.
Alexis: The Quartermaines don’t manage to get past anything, they just tuck them away until they’re ready to use them.
Carly: Meaning?
Alexis: Meaning you are way out of your league Ms. Benson. First you name Jason as the father of your baby on a legally binding document, then you skip town abandoning your own son who has just survived traumatic surgery and is still recovering in the neonatal ICU.
Carly: It’s a little something called postpartum depression…
Alexis: It’s a little something called “You’ve been doing this your whole life.” You’ve got a lot of nerve capitalizing on real PPD suffers. You wanna watch your reputation go from gutter to sewer? Then you let A.J., and you let Edward, take this to court and you watch me, you watch me put two dozen real PPD mothers on the stand.
Carly: You’re not a mother…
Alexis: SHUT UP! I’m not through with you. I digress. Deadbeat fathers, like a deadbeat father, you show up, you drop back in your own son’s life at his christening. Meanwhile you didn’t bother to pick up that phone once. Not once prior to that. It took Jason two weeks before he trusted you to take your own son out, by yourself.
Carly: That’s a lie.
Alexis: It’s the truth my dear and when you did, you left him unattended so that he can be snatched by a man whose grudge by the way can be traced back to you ruining his life with your pathological lies.
Carly: Is this something personal? I mean do you have something personal against me?
Alexis: You are an insult to women. You are a mother devoid of any, any giving instincts. You are a gold-digging psychotic, the only decent thing you have ever done for that little boy you are now trying to undo and with the reckless abandon of the gang that couldn’t shoot straight and why? Because you found a richer cash cow. By god!
Carly: Yeah that’s it.
Alexis: Your own child’s happiness be damned, how dare you. You’ve chosen this path Ms. Benson. Should you choose to stay on it by the time I’m finished with you, not only will your son not have to depend on you anymore, he won’t even have to see you. Is this personal to me? You bet it is little girl. Personally I want you put back where you belong, at the mental ward, in Ferncliff.

Alexis: You do need a lawyer, Mr. Corinthos. One that will tell you that nothing that transpired between the two of us yesterday constitutes a professional agreement, stated or implied. And even if it did, I could drop you for no grounds for a lawsuit. Now any ju -- any unbribed judge would invoke the well-known legal doctrine "Non omne damnum inducit injuriam", which is latin for, "stick it in your ear!"

Alexis:  The infamous Jax sweet tooth.  You ought to have that looked at.
Jax:  I see you’ve discovered my weakness.
Alexis:  You gave yourself away when you dragged me into a pastry shop as we were fleeing Geneva being chased by two of Helena’s gunmen.

Jax:  I think know why we switched to helicopters.  They can fly a lot lower, get below the radar.
Alexis:  What radar?
Jax:  Well, if we don’t turn around soon we’re going to enter into Libyan air space.
Alexis:  Turn!
Jax: What!?
Alexis:  If you take me into Libya, Ned will be very, very angry.

Jax:  So you’re risking you life at Helena’s hands for a principle?
Alexis:  You’re doing it for the sheer thrill of it, who’s crazier?  I put a lot of time and concentrated effort into having to reinvent myself.  Alexis Davis - strong, capable, ultra-modern attorney.  Underneath the powersuit lies frightened, neglected Alexis Davidovitch.
Jax:  Still?
Alexis:  Don’t tell anyone.

Alexis:  Why did she have to switch to a helicopter?  She’s knows I’m terrified of helicopters.  Terrified of any small aircraft.  And then she’ll probably go from here to some war zone and catch a hot air balloon and then it’ll probably be a hang glider.  Meanwhile, you’ll be having the time of your life and I’ll be slowly driven insane.  Death by insanity due to travel by small air craft.  That’s it you know.  That’s how she’s going to kill me.

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Ned and Alexis - NexisForever

Ned: God, you look good in the morning.
Alexis:  You don’t look so bad yourself.
Ned: Oh, but I can be, but I have a feeling you could take that in stride.
Alexis: Even I have my limits.
Ned: But have you ever reached them?
Alexis:  You’re asking very personal questions, Mr. Ashton.
Ned:  They’re the only one’s worth asking, Miss Davis.

Ned: To understanding.
Alexis:  To understanding.  What exactly are we understanding?
Ned: Oh, all sorts of things.... high finance, dysfunctional families, gate keeping, each other, my sense of humor...
Alexis:  I would love to see our personal ads... Attractive -reasonably attractive-professional, wheeler-dealer, expert at family-style damage control.
Ned:  Well, that sounds good for me, but I think they would have to include classy for you.
Alexis:  How gallant.
Ned:  That was my opinion way back on Christmas Eve in this very room.
Alexis:  This very bar.
Ned:  Before I knew anything about you.  And now that I know what makes you tick I have the same opinion.
Alexis:  My turn?  Do I get to turn the tables now and tell you what makes you tick?
Ned:  Have at it.
Alexis: You’d sell out your own mother for a profit.
Ned:  Heck, I’d do that for nothing, that’s principle.
Alexis:  But when you’re not selling out your mother you have an extraordinarily tender heart.  I’ve seen it.

Alexis: Sweet dreams.
Ned:  That’s a distinct possibility.

Alexis:  It’s late.  There’s no one left but us.
Ned:  Do you want to go home?
Alexis:  I’d rather jump.
Ned:  So would I.

Ned:  Ask me, I know everything.
Alexis:  And reveal nothing.
Ned:  So... twist my arm.
Alexis:  Really?

Alexis (talking about her love of family history): It’s kind of an obsession.
Ned:  I love women with obsessions.  I can see us now, spending long, cozy evenings curled up next to the swimming pool while I regale you with horror stories of the Quartermaine family.
Alexis:  I can hardly wait.

Alexis:  Where’d you come from?
Ned:  I was wondering that about you.  Are you a gift to me from the universe?
Alexis:  Pardon me, I thought you were Ned Ashton

Ned (to V.): Alexis is the new house council for L&B.  Maybe you can update her on the company situation - tell her about our bold vision for the future, our vast roster of recording artists.  It shouldn't take longer than a minute or two.

Alexis:  You may not have all of my time, but you do have all of my heart.
Ned:  Well then I have the best part.

Ned: I believe I’m drawn to you… the reason I believe I’m drawn to you, well not the only reason, mind you actually not even the foremost reason by a long shot…
Alexis: Family!

Alexis (to Ned): I really like you in your jeans (cloth noises).
Ned (kissing noises): Thank you.

Ned: Everyone around us is living for themselves.  Isn’t it about time we do the same?

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Luke and Alexis - Comedy at its Best

Luke:  If you need a lift, to Fantasy Island, Ms. Davis... I'd be happy to row you over.
Alexis: I wouldn't get on the same ocean liner as you, let alone a boat across the lake.
Luke: Hmmm...Don't trust yourself?
Alexis: That's certainly part of it. One on one, no one to stop me. It would be all I could do to keep from beating you with an oar.

Luke: Well, be careful, Natasha. Now that your family history is buzzing around in the air, you never know who’ll take bug spray to it.

Luke (to Alexis): I’d be happy if you walked away with the whole bucket of baklava.
Luke:  Care for a spin around the dance floor?
Alexis:  I’d rather die.

Luke: (to Alexis and Jax) Well, look who’s here. Natasha….and Lurch.
Alexis: Did you miss me?
Luke: Miss you? Yes, I missed ya. And I also like my root canals without Novocain. I thought maybe you were, ah, in some Club Med somewhere playing "who's got the wombat."

Luke: Just remember who loves you.
Alexis: Go to hell. (she leaves)
Luke: She likes me.

Luke: I know you well enough to know that after two hours of grilling by the cops downtown and you'd been singing plea bargain like Flo the lost Supreme.
Alexis: You're revolting!
Luke: I like you too.

Luke: It's just the Bellman, Natasha.
Alexis: It's Ned. He likes to fool me sometimes.
Luke: And who are you, Fifi the Chambermaid?

Luke: (to Alexis) I've never had a partner with as many twitches as you have.

Luke: Good evening, hot lips. Kill anyone while I was gone?
Alexis: How come every time I see you, you're always telling someone you're right?
Luke: White. I said white. She (Bobbie) asked me why I'm a lousy dancer, and I said, "You know I'm white".

Luke: What are you looking at?
Alexis: Doesn't anyone ever just LOOK at you?
Luke: No…….STOP IT

Alexis: Next time you get the urge to visit, do call first.
Luke: And what? Miss the opportunity of being slapped around by a beautiful woman?
Alexis: As delightful as chatting with the enemy may be, is there a point to your being here?
Luke: Your animal magnetism.
Alexis: Keep fiddling with the focus. I'll wave to you from the front stoop. How's that?
Luke: That'd be great. A hand is kind of a small target though. Could you moon me?

(Knock at the door)
Alexis: Who is it?
Luke: Santa's tallest elf. Biggest too...

Luke: (To Alexis) I do my best work with my bare hands

Luke: And I think I told you once that Laura has ruined me for ordinary women.
Alexis: What makes you think that I'm an ordinary woman?
Luke: Just testing your reflexes.
Alexis: Bet you pictured Laura's time away as one big showdown. Bullmooses lock horns, one doomed to limp away in defeat, one left to run the herd and nip at the females' hindquarters.
Luke: Turn around, I'll nip at your hindquarters.
Alexis: You pride yourself in being offensive, don't you?
Luke: It's a gift. I like to help other people feel superior.

Luke (to Alexis about Stefan): He's as transparent as a bulletproof windshield.

Luke (to Alexis): Your choices are death, death, or me.

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Oh, that Luke Spencer

Luke: Name rhymes with asinine…
Jerry: Ah! Cassadine!
Luke:  ....there’s two words I can make out - Quartermaines - theives.  Exclamation point.  Well Annabelle, tell us something we don’t already know.

Luke:  Garth?
Tony:  Are you working here?  That’s like the happiest news I’ve had in a week! 
Luke: Garth?
Tammy:  Don’t start ragging on my former profession.
Tony:  No, no, no!  I’m happy for me.  It means I have a friendly place I can eat.
Luke:  Yeah, where they greet you with your alias.
Tammy:  I know who he is, he’s a friend of Roy’s.
Luke: (looks puzzled)
Tony:  Alan is Roy.
Luke:  Oh, Alan is Roy and you’re Garth.  Well, why don’t we all change our names.  (to Tammy)  You look like a Marguerite to me.  And today, I believe I’m going to be Bart.  Billy Joe Bart out of Tennessee.
(they laugh)

Luke: I won’t even pour coffee or anything.  I’ll just tell people "here it is, serve yourself."
Tammy: No, I don’t even want you pouring water.
Luke: What can I do to water?
Tammy: I don’t know, but I don’t want to take the chance.
           
Tammy: What are you doing here?
Luke:  Cooking.  :::Customers get up to leave:::
Tammy:  No, no, no, he was kidding.

Luke (to Hannah): Some families have black sheep, some have white trash, we has Carly.

Faison: You try a man's patience. You ever try it too far?
Luke: Frequently.

(Faison mentions seeing Lulu talking to the bartender)
Luke: We don't card her. She carries a fake ID.

Luke: I'll be in touch.
Faison: When?
Luke: When the phone rings and it's me.

Simon: Mr. Spencer. Delighted to meet you!
Luke: Well, I'm not going to meet you.

Luke: Grand romance is just a scam run by greedy florists.

Luke: (hungover, to Helena) Most people get pink elephants, I get the black widow.

Luke: (to A.J. and Carly) Well, if it isn't my gold-digging niece and her latest mineshaft.

Luke: (to Sonny and Jason) Sorry to interrupt, boys, but I think that you ought to know that your psycho blond and your klepto waitress just stepped outside. I don't think they're talking knitting.
           
Luke: (to Lucky) This guy Faison was with the DVX, not to be confused with the IRS...or the ah, CIA, OSS, NAACP, NOW.

Luke: Let me get this straight. Monica said she was through with Alan. So Bobbie locked them in a room together? Only my sister would think of something so insane.

Luke: Women tackle me all the time!

Luke: Look at me. I'm a babe magnet!

Luke: (to Jax) Chill Lancelot.

Luke (pretending to be an accountant): Ich bien computer illiterate.

Luke: You didn't wear that hat.
Sonny: What hat?
Luke: The hat I told you to wear in all that damn sunshine so that your brain wouldn't, you know, bake. Gotta be fried, man. What are you doin' leaving the tropical paradise for Chuckles in the middle of winter?
Sonny: I'm a suit guy.
Luke: The three-piece thing?
Sonny: Yeah.
Luke: I had one of those on about three days ago.
Sonny: (astounded) You get a picture?
Luke: Nah. Too gruesome. I looked like an accountant.

(Luke has given a generous check to the nun on behalf of Stefan)
Nun: Might there be a way to thank Mr. Cassadine personally?
Luke: (In a Dutch accent) Nay nay. Mr. Cassadine is... eccentric. Shy...shy... But you can pray that his soul spends eternity where it belongs.

Luke: Where's Barbara?
Jerry: She's been working. Anything you'd like me to tell her?
Luke: Yeah. Tell her you're working for her ex-husband. Not the one who used to carry around the little doctor bag...the one with the fangs.
Jerry: Just how many ex-husbands does Bobbie have? A gentleman never asks.
Luke: You don't have to count that high. Think of the last gentleman that gave you a chunk of cash. Name rhymes with asinine.
Jerry: Ah! Cassadine!

Luke: (To Kat) Well, for having been dead, you look good.

Luke (to Nikolas): Bobbie's in no mood for Tai Chi, moon puppy.

Luke (to Sonny about Kat): She is about as clever as a box of hair.

Luke (to Bobbie): I invented Disco, Barbara, and when it bored me, I killed it. If you recall, it died a hideous death. People lined up to stamp the headstone, DO NOT RESUSCITATE.

Luke: Well actually, I thought I might start by strip searching Stefan's cousin.
Kat: You are sick. And I will not be accomplice to that.
Luke: No? And I was hoping you'd hold her down.

Luke (to Tony about Stefan): What is it about this guy? Is it that charming undertaking thing he's got going? Is it the black suit? Is it the snappy repartee?

Luke (to Kat about GH): The only difference between this place and the Titanic is they had a band.

Luke: Listen, just shut up and listen to what the other guy is trying to tell you.

Luke: What you haven't found you haven’t looked for.

Luke: The only locked doors in life are the ones you don’t have the guts to open.

Luke: From now on every damn thing around here is gonna be different.
                               Dec. 8th, Guza Day

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Luke and Felicia, Private Eyes

Edward: I gave the fireplace set to Jennings Sr.
Luke: (whispering to Felicia) The King of Denmark.

Luke: Why did you have us sealed up in the crypt? Did you think no one would notice this beautiful woman was missing? Or me? I'm a loud mouth.

Luke (to Felicia about Oyster Bay) Someone at clam on the water hates our guts.

(Felicia told Luke she envisions him as Edward in her fantasies)
Luke: You see me as the devils body double?

Luke: (to Felicia) When I dress for dinner it means I put on underwear.

Luke (to Felicia) The Quartermaines have a thing about privacy. Especially when they are dead.

(about the dent in one of the skulls)
Luke: (to Tony) That didn't happen while I was practicing my bowling?

(Luke suggests to Felicia that they pretend to be shooting a documentary)
Luke: (coming up with names) Life styles of the Rich and Forgotton..Rich and Rotten. Rich and Dead and Rotten.

Luke (to Felicia about crypts) These things are like great big closet organizers for stiffs.

Luke: (to Felicia upon breaking into the Quartermaine crypt) I thought we agreed that the research factor was greater then, what did you call it? the yuck factor.

(finding Edward's Father's drawer in the crypt)
Luke: Pop goes pop of the weasel.

Luke: (to Felicia) You have an obsession with telling the truth. It's an addiction. Can't you get some drug therapy for that?

(looking at the Quartermaine crypt)
Felicia: I'll bet that thing can hold at least ten coffins in it.
Luke: And a Jacuzzi

(Discussing Lila and Edward's picnic)
Felicia: Lila taking all of Edwards’s favorite foods.
Luke: Raw meat...pickled brain...tongue.

Felicia: I can't break into her [Lila’s] room!
Luke: I won't tell Bubba if you don't.

(Discussing Romeo and Juliet)
Felicia: They both died.
Luke: But they wouldn't have if she'd been straight with him about her drug intake.

Luke: (to Felicia about Lila) After fifty years of Edward Quartermaine, she doesn't need a biographer, she needs a support group.

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Fun with the Spencers

Lucky: Just because the present is a mess that’s no reason to screw up the future.

Lucky: We’re not normal. That’s what makes us superior.

Lucky: Did anybody ever tell you you’re a brat?

Bobbie: Do you want me to give your suit a light once over when I iron my dress?
Lucky: Hey, it took me a long time to get those wrinkles right where I wanted them.

Bobbie: And Lucas is becoming like a little Lucky Spencer Jr. You know because they’re having this video night right, so before I left I said, “Oh Lucas have you done your homework?’
Felicia: What did he say?
Bobbie: Well, you know, it began with a “man” and ended with a “man” and somewhere in between there was a “lame”

Bobbie:  Something wrong?
Luke:  No, not any more.  As of this moment Kelly’s Diner is officially closed.
Bobbie:  Oh, I see.  Until when?
Luke:  Until Pavarotti goes disco.

Bobbie:  Exactly how do you blow up a microwave?
Luke:  Well, you start by forgetting where you left the can of cooking spray. Oh, you can laugh.  My life is in shambles because of this place.  I’m old before my time and you can laugh.

Luke: (to Lulu, after giving her a stuffed dog) He's not like Foster. He's soft and cuddly, and he doesn't stink.

Bobbie: No no no. The topic of the day is you and Stefan.
Luke: We decided to stop seeing each other.
Bobbie: Don't do that. Don't make jokes.
Luke: It's my job.

Laura: (looking at Luke's injured foot) What happened?
Luke: I really put my foot in my mouth.

Bobbie: Stefan has become even more bizarre that usual.
Luke: Practice makes perfect

Luke: (to Bobbie who is laughing at him) Laughter is the shortest way to find out how short-tempered your short order cook is.

Bobbie (regarding Luke’s announcement that he’s hired an accountant):  Ah, well, thank goodness.
Luke: Benny, Sonny’s man, not only can he balance the books, he can give us two sets.

Carly:  At least I haven’t done it on the conference table, where I work, in front of the entire town!
Bobbie:  Maybe not yet, honey, but you’re young. 

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Fun with the Cassadines

Nikolas: I just spoke to Stefan Cassadine and boy does my head hurt.

Nikolas: Alexis is dead to us?  Don’t you think that’s a little harsh?

Stefan: Standards must be maintained.

Stefan: You cannot change reality by denying it.

Laura:  You’re sort of an operatic character yourself.
Stefan:  I? I can’t sing a note.
(Laura laughs)

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Spencers vs. Cassadines

Stefan: Oh, Luke, that’s better yet. His success rate with me at the moment is zero. I think of him as one of those cartoon characters who’s continually setting traps for his enemy and then blowing themselves up.

Stefan: The insolence of that young man is rivaled only by that of his father.

Luke (to Helena): Maybe you knew him.  He was an ancient Greek, too.

Luke (to Helena): My daughter had been told if she ever sees you to drop a piano on your foot and run like hell.

(Luke has introduced Helena to Sonny)
Helena: You I believe are the criminal element.
Luke: That's like Lizzie Bordan calling the Tooth Fairy an axe murderer. (he pauses) Mr. Corinthos imports coffee, Mrs. Cassadine produced corpses.

Luke: (to Helena) Hang on to your pointed hat. Here comes the best part.
Helena: I'm curious about one thing. Why did you do this?
Luke: After 20 years, I need a reason?
Helena: Unless one of you arranged for a blood test?
Luke: Not me. If I start taking Steffin's blood, I'll never stop.
Helena: How you must be relishing the thought of the Cassadine inheritance being town to pieces by money hungry relatives.
Luke: No, personally, I'd rather see a relative get torn apart by hungry rodents. But you give me far too my credit, my little Slavic sociopath.

Luke (to Helena) With all those possible heirs out there, you know, I'd stay out of my favorite dark alley if I were you. You don't want to be the thing that goes BUMP in the night.

(Luke has run into Helena at GH)
Luke: Been seeing the Doctors? They telling you something is fatal I hope? Is your death rattle acting up again?

Helena: Laura's been a permanent fixture at Wyndemere for months.
Luke: Yeah, well, it's the weather.
Helena: Oh?
Luke: She's a sucker for musty, dank fog.

Luke: (Approaching Kat and Helena) Oh, man, look at this. I've walked into my favorite horror movie: "The undead meets back from the dead." Bummer -- no popcorn.

Luke (to Stefan): Your family nearly froze the world and you can't find the air conditioner.

Helena: If Nikolas would have died, someone you love might have joined him.
Luke: Oh pussycat, you wouldn't slit your own throat.

Stefan: Once again, you are in violation of a court order. If you do not leave right away, I'll have you arrested this time.
Luke: OOH! That will fix me.

Luke (to Stefan about Kat): Is she walking today or are you two still playing roller nasty?

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Da Mob

Jason: I’m not good at time travel. The present keeps me pretty busy.

Jason: If I were in charge of how people talked, everybody would just shut up.

Jason: He thanked me for loving you, like I had a choice. Like loving you was something I decided. Instead of something inside of me. Do you thank a person for breathing? I mean, if you do, what are they supposed to say? You’re welcome… for the thing that keeps me alive? I love you so much I would do anything for you. I’d kill, I’d die for every single day for you…

Jason: She can’t cook but she won’t kill ya.

Sonny: Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

Sonny: Are you going to be satisfied with just a spark or do you want to set the world on fire.

Sonny: The truth is like ice water: it shocks you when it hits, but nobody ever died from it.

Sonny: Sometimes we want things in life, years go by and we still don’t get them. It’s called too bad.

Sonny: You have to understand one thing about my business: you can’t ask questions.

Brenda: I can’t believe that you’re on your knees asking me to marry you, and we’re not even facing certain death.
Sonny:  You have three options, yes, no, or maybe.
Brenda:  There really is no other option for me, yes, you know I’ll be your wife.

Sonny:  She said Jason was “violet.”  That’s right, as in purple, not violent.

Taggert: You’re going down.
Sonny: For what?  Too much mocha in my java?

Sonny (to Laura): Not too many people scare the hell out of me on first sight.

Sonny (to Edward): Next time you hold a board meeting and don’t notify me officially you will be up to your ascot in lawsuits.

Jason (to Carly): I didn’t tell Sonny your plan because it’s so lame he would think I was out of my head.

Carly:  Jason!  I’m talking to you.
Jason:  I know.  It’s all you do.

Jason (to Carly):  If you’re worried about me being hurt or being used, don’t be, okay?  Because thanks to you, I know what it looks like and I’ll see it coming.

Jason: Your good in a crisis.
Carly: When I’m not causing one.

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Fun with the Quartermaines

Alan: Do you ever think of anyone besides yourself?
Edward: I did once… it doesn’t work for me

A.J.: I'm an alcoholic I don't do moderation.

A.J: I may be hopeless and incompetent, but it doesn’t matter ‘cause it’s my birthright.

Edward: Any man who dates Emily is just plain lucky.

Ned: Make believe isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Monica:  You know, I used to want to hurt you.  I don’t anymore.  I guess that’s progress.
Alan:  I used to want to kill you.  I don’t anymore.  I guess I’m mellowing.
Monica:  No, not that much.
Alan:  I haven’t tried to kill you in 15 years.  That’s cause for celebration.  Would you like some champagne?

Alan: For some reason, people find it very stressful to work for us.

Ned: I tried.
Alan:  Shut up Ned, no one expects you to do anything.  You have no experience with children.
Ned:  You’re absolutely right, Alan.  If my baby daughter hadn’t been yanked out of town to keep her safe from us, maybe I would know what to do.

Carly:  I know you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth...
A.J.:  Platinum, only the best for the Quartermaines.

Lila: Edward, do you ever listen to yourself?
Edward: I’m the only one that does.

Edward: Tony Jones told you that his fiancee is having Jason’s child? Is this some kind of 90’s version of a menage-a-trois?

Justus: I’ve had some dealings with Carly. The girl’s got the psyche of a career criminal.
Edward: Then I’d say that she and Jason have a great deal in common.

Monica: Wouldn’t it be remarkable, if, just once, this whole family could be in a good mood?
Ned: Surely, you’re delusional.

Monica: The Holidays are coming and A.J. has said that he would have dinner with us.
Ned: Better lock up the vodka.

Justus: Team Quartermaine. What’s on the jerseys? Every man for himself?

Justus: How are Laura and the kids?
Luke: Swell. How are you and your conscience.
Justus: Oh boy. That didn’t take long at all, did it? Luke, you know I retired my conscience. It just gets in the way when you’re an ELQ man.

Emily: Oh, well now you have proof you’re not a real Quartermaine. No Quartermaine has ever come that close to a fully cooked turkey on Thanksgiving.

Lila: It’s an exercise in ignoring the obvious.  The only person who makes Michael truly happy is Jason.

Monica :  Why don’t you go up Edward?  Michael should get to know the person that ripped him away from the only safe haven he’s ever known and sent him to a house full of lunatics.

Emily (to A.J.): He’s not in charge of me and neither are you.

Alan:  I never got sued for sexual harassment.  I never took an ex lover prisoner, put him in a motel room, and then tortured him.
Monica:  No, you dropped a building on one.
Alan:  It was only a roof and half of it was intended for you!
           
Monica:  I should’ve left you the first time you tried to kill me.
Alan:  I should have killed you the first time I tried to kill you.

Emily (to Dr. Smithson): This is the worst place in the world for a kid.  Everyone fights all the time and they say horrible things about each other, which are true.  Look, this is nothing she hasn’t heard before.  You know about the cheating and the blackmailing, and the lies.  You do read the newspapers, right?

later...
Emily (on Alan):  He knows this place is a nuthouse.  Grandfather tries to buy Michael off Carly.
Dr. Smithson: Buy?  As in purchase?
Emily:  Yes, for money and when that didn’t work out then A.J. and Edward kidnapped Michael, as in abduct, and tricked me into helping them and you know what?  They think that can lie to me because I’m a kid.  That’s what they’re going to do to Michael.

Emily:  [Alan] was a drug addict, I was a drug addict, A.J.’s an alcoholic…

Edward (about Jason): A.J. call the police, the thug is back. He must have climbed in through the nursery window.

Felicia (on Monica and Alan): They really need to hate each other in order to break up the monotony.

Alan (about Monica and himself): We’re kind of on a date; we’re slumming. 
Carly: A.J., just think about it for a minute. We slept together once.  That’s not how people get pregnant.
A.J.: That’s the only way people get pregnant. It’s not cumulative like a savings account.

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Lizzie (not Elizabeth) Webber

Lizzie: The only thing I don't want to happen is for you to go away. Obviously it doesn't mean the same thing to you, and obviously it's easier for you to walk away then it is for me to let you.
Lucky: It isn't easier for me. Are you listening?

Lizzie: Do you think I'm crazy?
Lucky: A little, but so am I. I think it works for us.

Lizzie: Just as long as I don't have to eat out of a can.
Lucky: You're such a princess.

Lizzie: Anybody ever tell you, you talk kinda funny?
Nikolas: Yes, frequently. It's called proper English.

Lizzie: You're the best friend I've ever had and I don't want to see you die of food poisoning.

Audrey: Any sign of Gatsby?
Lizzie: Oh, no Gram, I think he's gone for good this time. But think of it this way, I mean you'll have no more cat hair on the sofa or little paws walking over you at night or flesh wounds in the lap.
<Doorbell rings>
Audrey: Oh, would you get that Elizabeth - it's probably the juvenile authorities come to take you away.

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And the rest...

Amy: Oh, it’s an emergency. I didn’t realize that. That’s different because that’s when the surgeon says to somebody in OR, "Hey can you stick your finger in the hole of the guy’s brain that I’m operating on so I can go talk to my girlfriend."

Brenda: No matter who we love, who we let love us, or who we let into our lives, no one will diminish what we mean to each other.

Brenda: ...you didn’t happen to notice one little problem, that turkey is too big to fit in my microwave.
Jax: I don’t think people cook in their microwaves Brenda.
Brenda: Jax, I’m not an idiot.  Of course I’m not gonna try and cook it in the microwave but I mean I needed to defrost it - people defrost turkeys in microwaves - right?
Jax: Oh, Brenda.

Brenda: I also made the black cranberry sauce last night, Ruby’s recipe.
Jax: Black?
Brenda: Yeah, well the berries are red at first but then Ruby told me to simmer them until they gel.  <Jax is laughing>  What?  She told me to simmer them till they gel, and - I don’t know, it seemed like it took forever, especially since I didn’t really understand what gel meant.

Carly: I hate you
Tony: I know it’s mutual

Carly: Biology doesn’t make family, love does.

Damian: I can do anything better than you.

Damian: Live with it.

Jax Employee: Do you want to do me a favor? You want to feel really useful, get me a refill on the coffee.
V.: Get it yourself sir. And while you're at it, you can pour it over your head for me.

Jax: I have to find something to distract Brenda... something simple.

Jax (to Lucy): See my assistant. Her name is V. As in Very Aggressive.

Jax: Ah, so that’s it.  It’s because I’m a man.
V:  No, well... that’s it partly.
Jax:  Well, can’t you pretend I’m a woman?
V: Uh-uh

John:  When you crash a chopper in the Sahara with a woman, you get to see what she’s made of.  Unless she doesn’t survive and the vultures get her.  Then you really get to see what she’s made of.

Katherine: Sometimes we do the worst things for the best reasons.

Katherine: Sometimes there are things that are better left unsaid... this is one of them.

Katherine: You can hide from the truth, but you cannot obliterate it.

Kevin: Oh, by the way, congratulations on the sobriety. It’s a hard road, I know, but I have a feeling you’ll make it this time.
A. J.: Thank you. And congratulations on your...
Kevin: On my sanity.

Lois: Blow it out your ear.

Lucy: I have sense, it’s just not common.

Lucy: If you can survive the wedding than you can survive the marriage.

Lucy: Never do what you can overdo!

Lucy: We’re having some trouble back stage so could you all take a minute and play with yourselves...I mean talk with each other.

Mike: You’ve been in the diner business long?
Tammy:  First time.
Mike:  What’d you do before that?
Tammy: Customer relations.

Robin: Faith is trust mixed with Hope.  Trusting something you've never seen.
                                                                                     
V:  I mean, most temps are people trying to make it somewhere else.  Everybody knows half of then are out of work actors.  

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