This is a book that Valerie L. got at the local library. It's this weird girl's diary. Oh, did I mention? She's from England. It gets pretty funny. In fact it's "double funny with knobs". Anyway, here are a few quotes I could steal away when Valerie and Lindsay weren't reading it.


"Apparently American people are not English."

"I hope you like my diary and don't hold it against me that my great-great-great-grandparents colonized you. (Not just the two of them, obviously...)"

"If Uncle Eddie (who is bald as a coot) says to me one more time,'Should bald heads be buttered?' I may kill myself."

"I feel like yelling at him,'I am bursting with womanhood, I wear a bra! Ok, it's a bit on the loose side and does ride up round my neck if I run for the bus...but the womanly potential is there, you bald coot!'"

"Every time I suggest anything around this place, people start shaking their heads and tutting. It's like living in a house full of chickens dressed in frocks and trousers. Or a house full of those nodding dogs, or a house full of...anyway..."

"You might set fire to your bed and be overcome with fumes."

There Are 6 Very Wrong With My Life:
1)I have one of those under-the-skin spots that will never come to a head but lurk in a red way for the next two years.
2)It is on my nose.
3)I have a three-year-old sister who may have peed somewhere in my room.
4)In 14 days the summer hols will be over and then it will be back to Stalag 14 and Obeifuhrer Frau Simpson and her bunch of sadistic teachers.
5)I am very ugly and need to go into an ugly home.
6)I went to a party dressed as a stuffed olive."

"I should have guessed all was not entirely well in the cat department when I picked him up and he began savaging my cardigan."

"What would I be doing walking the streets at night as a stuffed olive---gate crashing cocktail parties?"

"In a mood of defiant stuffed oliveness I did have a dance with myself, but things kept crashing to the floor around me. The host asked me if I would sit down."

"Well, I would have been surrounded by boys if I hadn't been dressed as an olive."

"I can already feel myself getting fed up with boys and I haven't had anything to do with them yet."

"Oh God, please, please don't make me have to be a lesbian like Hairy Kate or Miss Stamp."

"What do lesbians do, anyway?"

"My dad has got the mentality of a Teletubby only not so developed."

"Cindy Crawford said that if you put your tongue behind your back teeth when you smile, it makes your smile really sexy. Impossible to talk, of course, unless you like sounding like a loony."

"I'm going to put on a really loud CD and dance about."

"When the electrician came because the fridge had blown up, he said to Mum,'What madman wired up this fridge? Is there someone you know who really doesn't like you?' And Dad had done the wiring."

"I don't mean I want to be like an old-fashioned woman---you know, all lacy and the man is all tight-lipped and never says anything even if he has got a brain tumor."

"I want my boyfriend (provided, God willing, I am not a lesbian) to be emotional...but only about me."

"Anyway, I'll never have a boyfriend because I am too ugly."

"Looking through the old family albums. I'm not really surprised I'm ugly. The photos of Dad as a child are terrifying. His nose is huge---it takes up half his face. In fact he is literally just a nose with legs and arms attached."

"Libby has woken up and insists on sleeping in my bed. It's quite nice although she does smell a bit on the hamsterish side."

"The tunnel-of-love dream I've just had, where this gorgey bloke is carrying me through the warm waters of the Caribbean, turns out to be Libby's wet pajamas on my legs. Change bed. Libby not a bit bothered and in fact slaps my hand and calls me 'bad boy' when i change her pajamas."

"I wonder how much 'natural' makeup I can get away with."

"I hate my eyebrows. I say eyebrows but in fact it's just the one eyebrow right along my forehead."

"She (Mum) hides things from me now because she says that I never replace anything. I'll have to rummage around in her bedroom."

"Found the tweezers eventually. Why Mum would think I wouldn't find them in Dad's tie drawer I really don't know. I did find something very strange in the tie drawer as well as the tweezers. It was a sort of apron thing in a special box. I hope against hope that my dad is not a transvestite. It would be more than flesh and blood could stand if I had to 'understand' his feminine side."

"And me and Mum and Libby have to watch while he clatters around in one of Mum's nighties and fluffy mules...We'll probably have to start calling him Daphne."

"God, it's painful plucking. I'll have to have a little lie-down. The pain is awful---it's made my eyes water like mad."

"I can't bear this. I've only taken about five hairs out and my eyes are swollen to twice their nirmal size."

"Cracked it. I'll use Dad's razor."

"Sharper than I thought. It's taken off a lot of hair just in one stroke. I'll have to even up the other one."

"Bugger it. It looks all right, I think, but I look very surprised in one eye. I'll have to even up the other one now."

"Mum nearly dropped Libby when she saw me. Her exact words were,'What in the name of God have you done to yourself, you stupid girl?'"

"Maybe they'll grow back overnight. How long does it take for eyebrows to grow?"

"Of course they don't have eyebrows. Everyone's got eyebrows. Why would you need a spare pair?"

"She really is a dim friend. It's more like having a dog than a friend, actually."

"Dad is annoying me so much. He just comes to the door, looks in and laughs, and then he goes away...for a bit. He brought Uncle Eddie upstairs for a look. What am I? A daughter or a fairground attraction?"

"The only nice person is Libby. She was stroking where my eyebrows used to be and then she went off and brought me a lump of cheese."

"Who would have thought a few locusts could eat so much in so little time? When I let them out into the biology lab for a bit of a fly round, I wouldn't have expected them to eat the curtains."

"She is also about a hundred and a Miss---which speaks volumes in my book.

"If I marry or, as is more likely, become a high-flying executive lesbian, I am never going to do housework."

"Through my curtains I can see the big yellow moon. I'm thinking of all the people in the world who will be looking at the same moon. I wonder how many of them haven't got any eyebrows?"

"I will never have a boyfriend. It's not fair, there are some really stupid people and they get boyfriends. Zoe Ball gets really nice boyfriends and she has got sticky-out ears."

"If I end up with someone like Mr. Next Door I will definitely kill myself. He has the largest bottom I have ever seen. It amazes me he can get in the greenhouse. One day his bottom will be so large, he will have to live in the greenhouse and have bits of food passed to him."

"Oh dear. I have just seen Angus hunkering down in the long grass. He's stalking their poodle. I'll have to intervene to avert the massacre. Oh, it's ok, Mrs. Next Door has thrown a brick at him."

"I hate Sundays; they are deliberately invented by people who have no life and no friends. On the plus side, I've got six-o'clock shadow on the eyebrow front."