Life, Love, and Rejection

by Jessie

Summary: Spike explains his place in the world. Takes place either just before or just after "Once More With Feeling," depending upon how things unfold.

Rating: R (for language)

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer isn't mine and most likely never will be (a girl can dream can't she?)

Spoilers: Nothing specific except for various references to Spike's past from throughout the show's run.

Authors Note: This one came out a lot shorter than I had thought it was going to be. Which is unusual for me. But I hope that you like it anyway, and that you leave me some of that awesome feedback that you know I adore.

***

You'd think after a couple hundred years I'd get it right.

Or, at the least, it'd get a bit easier.

Hell - you'd think this sorta thing wouldn't even exist at this stage in my life.

Or... un-life, as it is.

I remember it vividly. That first real infatuation. She made the whole bloody room *glow* when she walked into it. I thought I was in love. I wrote poetry. Bloody awful shit 'bout flowers and wind-swept hair.

Efulgent beauty.

It was really only a matter of time before I was shot down.

Bloody hell. It really was only a matter of time.

Then came Dru.

She was the one who meant everything, ya know? Yet... in the end it didn't really matter. I loved her. Or - thought I did anyway. But that wasn't enough. I thought I had it all (I may have been a vamp but that didn't mean I didn't know what was goin' on; that I didn't contemplate life and love and all that shit) but I wasn't happy.

And yes, a vamp's gotta be happy. We may not have souls, but we've got... something. We know when things have turned to shit, and when the whole bloody world has gone to hell. And not the good one either.

I knew - somewhere in that thick skull of mine - I knew, deep down, that that wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't what I *needed*.

Yes, this is me, Spike - William the Bloody - waxing poetic. Talking about life and love. Talking about the great mysteries of the universe and not hiding the fact that I do think about this stuff. Fuck it. This is what I think. I got a right to think these things. Even if I am a bloody vampire. Even if I don't have a bloody soul - who needs one any way? What the hell you gonna do with something like a soul? Brood along side that nancy-boy in LA? Thanks, but no thanks, luv.

So - as I was saying - I wasn't happy.

There was always the thrill of the hunt. I think I woulda enjoyed that even if I hadn't been a vamp. Being turned just gave me an excuse. I was too much of a pansy boy to pillage and plunder without a little... *guidance*.

Which brings me to the slayers. They were the best part of it all. I went face to face with them and... knew. I knew that this was where I was supposed to be: facing off against the greats. The chosen ones. It wasn't about what that made me - though hell if I wasn't something bloody great when I fighting them and *winning* - it was just where I belonged. With them.

At the time it was about killing. I was a bloody vamp, of course it was about killing.

Nothing tastes as good as a Slayer's blood.

But now... now it's different. I'm so close to being exactly where I know I belong. And, for once, it's not about killing.

I can taste her blood on my tongue, though I haven't had a drop. I would never... never do that to her. Not now. The others... there was something there. But I never had the chance to find out what it was. I was too busy proving myself by sucking them dry.

This time, however, I've got the chance. And I know I belong here. I bloody knew it since the day I was born. I just didn't *know* it.

Now I know.

I'm so bloody close... Fuck.

You'd think I'd get better at this.

But rejection's never looked so bloody heart-clenching. I'm still not used to it. Still not able to hear that 'no' or 'you're wrong' without takin' it to heart.

You'd think I'd learn a thing or two about this after so many years.

But I was too busy reigning terror to really take time out for a thorough soul-searching.

Or... perhaps 'soul' is the wrong word.

Fuck.

That's the problem too. The whole 'soul' thing. As if I've got any use for one. But she won't even look at me twice unless I've got one.

But how in the bloody hell am I gonna get a soul?

No. I won't even go down that road. Not this time Spike. Give up everything for her, but you can't do the impossible, so don't even bother beatin' yourself up over it.

But... bloody hell. I know I belong with her. Nothing has ever - *ever* - felt so right. Nothing. Not Dru. Not the whole bloody killing and maiming. Not even facing down those other slayers and winning - bloody *winning* for Christ's sake. It was all just leading me up to this. Leading me up to her.

If only this sorta thing could get easier over the years.

If only rejection lost some of its bitterness.

End.

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