“Whoa. I was carrying a banana in my pocket and I didn’t even know it.”
-Bhavna has a revelation

“It was like the Olympic games coming out of her mouth!”
-Kelli is impressed

“Mike, your O’s are unbelievable.”
-Katie is also impressed

“I can’t swallow.”
“Oatmeal?”
-Kelli having a problem and Jameelah making it worse

“You’re not going to go see some random play you’ve never heard of for forty bucks, just like you’re not going to go watch Curling on TV. Because you’d rather go mow your lawn and then slit your throat.”
-Random student

“Do you think that there’s some theatre that could adversely affect the world?”
“Well, I’ve seen some pretty shitty plays that have adversely affected *my* world.”
-Student and Prof. Allen

“You don’t care about the car. You don’t care about fish. You’re just coming to class and you’re bleeding.”
-Prof. Drew tries to teach a lesson through visualization

“See? I’m God.”
-Prof. Drew

“Hold on guys, I wanna hear about this large, Asian transvestite.”
-Prof. Holden takes an interest

“Jesus Christ, I can’t be with you people. You know what B flat is.”
-Vivian gets upset

“I’m like the leading authority on the Asian Trani.”
-Seth admits his lot in life

“I’m from the Czech Republic. Though I’ve never actually been there.”
“I have.”
“Really? Is it nice?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh good!”
-Kerri and Sarah on Kerri’s origins

“If you wanna graduate with less than a 128 units, get really close to 128 units, and then die.”
-Prof. Allen’s advice to slackers

“You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s clearly a website.”
-Vivian talks to her computer in an effort to coax an internet connection out of it

“As a geographer, yes, I know where Oklahoma is. But it’s really one of those useless pieces of trivia. Who the hell cares about Oklahoma?”
-Prof. Allen

“I really liked the three minor characters, so whenever anyone else talked I got really upset.”
-James gives advice to an aspiring author

“So, is it impossible for people to have altruistic goals?”
“No. People have them. But they’re delusional.”
-Clayre’s optimism is no match for Prof. Roberts

“Please forgive me as I Disney-fy and misrepresent American History.”
-Prof. Jordan gives a lecture

“Grammar. Ugh. It’s like Catholicism”.
-Prof. Jordan. An English teacher.

“The four seasons of Southern California: smog, fire, earthquakes and floods.”
-Prof. Jordan

“The story they tell in here is that they left us alone because we were such a good neighbor. But, of course, it helps if you have your own private army.”
-Prof. Jordan

“If there are fewer women does that enhance their value?”
“Well, if your down to the very last Snickers bar, the price is gonna be pretty jacked up. But then, at my age, if given the choice, I’d rather have the Snickers.”
-Student and Prof. Allen

“He doesn’t have the Bat-phone to God.”
-Zack gets defensive

“Condiments? You mean, like, Africa?”
-Jameelah has a ‘duh’ moment

“Cross the street and it’s like your checking into a third world country.”
-Daniel on college housing

“We test every one at the post office.”
“Is that how you know about my herpes?”
-Joe and Brandon try their hands at improv

“I’m my own stage-mom.”
-Jameelah on her experience in the theatre

“He just kissed you!”
“Yeah. And I don’t even like… people.”
-Bridget and Clayre. An odd moment

“This class is weird.”
-Brandon

“It’s Italian and it tastes good.”
“*I’m* Italian and *I* taste good.”
-Sam trying to get Bridget to eat and Joe not helping

“The idea, again, is to learn to draw before you go all cubist on me and I have go all medieval on your ass.”
-Prof. Roberts

“You’re writing us a European-type, slice-of-life movie. So… get the fuck out of here and go to Europe.”
-Prof. Roberts critiques a student’s script

“When you can’t afford the special effects, you get philosophy.”
-Prof. Robert’s views on films

“I need another obstacle. Okay- I’ll be mugged again.”
-Joe

“I was a philosophy major for, like, three days before I quit. I mean, what would I do with a philosophy major?”
“You get to learn to sit around and think cool thoughts, though.”
“Yeah, but how am I gonna eat off my cool thoughts?”
-Dave and Trevor search for direction in their lives

“They don’t offer Swahili here. I was so upset. Swahili was the only language I wanted to learn and they don’t have it. So I had to settle for Italian.”
-Dave bitches about his schedule

“It was one of those times where you don’t want it to end on a bad note so you keep talking, but it never gets any better.”
-Adam

“Why is your house on fire?”
“It’s for art.”
-Joe and Clayre try to understand each other

“I can’t give myself a blowjob.”
“You can’t?”
“No. I guess I haven’t taken enough yoga for that.”
”Well, why else would you take yoga?”
-Aaron and Sam find new ways to enjoy physical fitness

“What is that?”
“It looks like a nightmare.”
-Sam and Clayre critique art

“It could be about the friend. Or it could be about the poetic, homosexual, suicidal husband. Isn’t theatre neat?”
-Alicia gets excited

“I’m losing my voice and it makes me sound more manly than I really am.”
-Aaron admits the truth about his sudden masculinity

“Instead of getting divorced, you might as well fake your own death. It’d be easier.”
-Michael

“When I told my friend how much I’d spent in lawyer fees, he was like: ‘Jesus, it would’ve been cheaper just to kill her.’”
-Michael

“And Marlon Brando’s all like, ‘it’s the best thing to happen to acting since bread!’”
-Michael finishes a story. Many are confused.

“I’m googling pot.”
-Jess sinks to new lows

“I could bite you in half and you’d still be my friend. I like that about you.”
-Sadie gets sentimental (again)

“Seaworld? That’s as hard to get into as Playboy.”
-Adriane goes over her career options

“It was hilarious. He kept apologizing for Alex’s height. As soon as I stepped through the door he was all, ‘I’m sorry my brother’s so short.’”
-Adriane finds amusement in those around her

“Uh oh. We’ve got racial problems in Sparrow-land.”
-Alicia tries to teach a lesson through metaphor and things get out of hand

“All these actors speaking in such eloquent tones, and then there’s this guys up there and you can, like, smell him.”
-Alicia gets into theatre history

“Alec Baldwin as Stanley. That was just sixteen kinds of wrong.”
-Alicia

“So- does this relationship have a future?”
“No, ‘cause I’m a dork.”
-Prof. Keenan is forward and Ryan is honest

“I hate my roommate. She leaves her light on whenever I’m trying to go to sleep even if she’s not in the room. It’s so annoying.”
“So you said ‘don’t eat the waffles’? I will never understand female logic.”
-Nikki and Prof. Keenan

“Adam, there is a God, and he tells me these things.”
-Prof. Drew explains the source of his vast knowledge on film

“I’m very hostile to concept theatre.”
-Alicia finds even more to try to live down during her semester teaching theatre

“I’m turning 41 in a week and a half, and by God there’s still time for my career as a drunken slut.”
-Alicia

“I love you all, but I’m not gonna go.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to see my students naked.”
“But that’s the first step on the way to your career as a drunken slut.”
-Alicia and Judy

“…And then there are movie stars, and I just don’t get whatever that shit is.”
-Alicia on acting

“Hey there- I’m an actor… Wanna watch me prepare?”
-Nick flirts

“That was a great lizard analogy.”
-Vivian commends her classmates on homework well done

“I would give slide shows of her bosoms hanging over the balcony. I just wouldn’t ask them to get up and write something on the blackboard about it.”
-Alicia on how she *would* teach theatre

“I never thought I’d be making this particular comment, but I’m glad there was an Uzi in there.”
-Clayre

“I had this amazing ballet teacher; she was the best. She’d walk around class and beat people with sticks.”
-Alicia recalls her childhood

“But then, people still clap for Carol Channing. And she sounds like she’s been gargling Drano for the last decade.”
-Alicia. Where do they find these theatre professors?

“I was trying to fix my computer the other day and I was just like ‘whoa. Caveman stare at fire box.’ Ugh.”
-Alicia

“Now why, in the film, does he repeat the sound?”
“Because, in real life, you have to.”
“’You have to’? I think not! What in real life do you have to repeat?”
“Uh… Third grade?”
-Prof. Drew and a smartass student

“The moral of this story is: don’t date people in advertising.”
-Michael wraps up another lesson

“The great thing about teaching this class is that every semester my dating pool gets a little bigger.”
-Michael offends students and hints at extra credit assignments

“Okay, could you read that again, only a bit slower and with a little less of the snide?”
-Michael

“Yeah, it took me a while to develop any sort of conscience. A long while.”
-Michael

“One of them’s dead and one of them’s insane. Just another happy day in Nebraska.”
-Alicia

“It’s just all about the festering, gooey wound that is the American dream.”
-Alicia

“(laughs)I’m such a waste of space. And I get paid for this.”
-Dave loves his job

“So I was in the gym, and I was struggling with the weight machines like I do, and that one security guard came in and started cheering me on.”
-Dave gains a fan

“Please don’t tell me you’re writing down what I just said.”
“No. Why would I need to write that down?”
”Well… I don’t know…”
“You’re not that clever, Vivian.”
-Vivian gets quoted. Sorta.

“Blah blah blah eloquent.”
-Jessie on very little sleep

“There was an existential element to the piece, despite it’s romantic implications. The picture really captured the sadness of having to marry a really old guy.”
-Kelli critiques

“I’m always afraid that the teaching police are gonna come. They’re gonna say, ‘Keenan, you have no idea what you’re doing.’ And they’re gonna drag me away to prison and make me be an accountant.”
-Prof. Keenan gets paranoid

“Was it just me or did she [the girl in the play] look like Winona Ryder to you? Was it just me? I half expected her to tuck one of the props into her dress.”
-Dave after a play

“I just got popped with a creamsicle.”
-Evelyn gripes about the cafeteria

“And he’s not, like, ‘nice’ gay. He’s ‘mean’ gay.”
-Chris gripes about his roommate

“Yeah, the girl on the treadmill next to me is always turning the setting up. And I’m just like, ‘okay- don’t even try to steal my body. You can’t be this perfect.’”
-Dave becomes his own fan at the gym

“I’m like Paula Abdul gone horribly wrong.”
-Julia shops for shoes

“You treat your women like stocks: buy low, sell high.”
-Prof. Robert dispenses advice

“He’s racist; he’s sexist; he’s every ‘-ist.’”
-A student in Jim’s class

“Okay, Bitch is here.”
-Jim does roll call

“Yeah- I just ran three miles, so I’ve got, like, endorphins and, you know, nicotene, coursing through my body right now.”
-Michael gets to class late

“So I went to Tijuana this weekend to see a band, cause I was like, why not go to Tijuana to see a band? I mean, who does that?”
-Michael describes his weekend

“Well, it was either this or the San Francisco School of Give Us Your Money.”
-Michael on his college options

“I celebrate my youth between classes.”
-Adriane

“What’s that?”
“Oh, that’s Jess’ pot chair.”
-Ashley and Vivian make fun of me

“Oops.”
“Now, if that had been a sword…”
-Dave and Jess remain grateful that they haven’t yet killed themselves.

“Singing, dacing; dancing, singing- it’s too much!”
“It’s just like driving.”
“Yeah- into a brick wall.”
-Brendan attempts to star in a musical. Rachel tries to help.

“Yeah- I’m just gonna need a tape of this and some uninterrupted bedroom time where I can make an ass out of myself in front of the mirror.”
-Brendan continues his attempts at starring in a musical

“Post modernism rules! …Ahhh- nothing original will ever be done again.”
-Brendan makes fun of said musical

“I can just do it this way, and then this way, and then for the rest of the song I can just keep doing the splits. And afterwards, as I sweep off the stage the powder of what was once my nuts…”
-Brendan begins to get the whole ‘dancing’ thing

“I feel like I’m saluting a midget.”
-And Brendan begins to *not* get the whole ‘dancing’ thing

“Why didn’t anyone tell me I could major in circus acts?!”
-Meghan reevaluates her English degree

(On a megaphone)“Attention!” (Long Pause) “…Disregard.”
-Chris. Just try to picture it. This is his idea of a good time.

“Ah, chips: Salty Godesses.”
“Why not Gods?”
“I don’t put Gods in my mouth.”
-Jess gives the room pause as, one by one, every one at the table *gets* what he just said

“He’s right over in that room. What should I do?”
“Go talk to him.”
“I can’t. I mean- how?”
“You just do it.”
“I can’t. Oh God- what should I do?”
“Talk to him!”
“I can’t. I just… tell me what to do.”
“Strip.”
-Jessie freaks out and Mary helps

“So I was talking with Chauncey the other day. You know. Chauncey. Chris Cooling?”
“Why do you call him Chancey?”
“’Cause it’s short for Chris.”
-Michael. This man has yet to explain how it is he came to be a *teacher*

“My new apartment is such a shit-hole. Which is a real shame too, since my last apartment was so ‘F’-ing cool. Wait; I’ve got pictures!”
-Michael

“Those lines draw your attention to the center. And these lines create…”
“Evil.”
-Alicia tries to give an art lesson but students make it difficult

“What kind of people are we that the notes we pass in class are Percy Bysshe Shelley quotes?”
-Jessie to Vivian. Because it actually happened.

“If you’re not here, tell me.”
-Jim begins another roll call

“This is what we call ‘El Bummer.’ …That’s Spanish.”
-Jim elaborates

“Everyone? Brendan is no longer alowed to eat during rehersal.”
-Sarah, after an interesting incident with Brendan, a chocolate bar, and trying to sing

(Holds up a banana) “Is this bad for my voice?”
-Dave gets paranoid with only two days until opening night

“Just try to follow through with each note. Brendan will be our example.”
(Brendan spits out drink) “Uh… Sure!”
-Aaron and Brendan try to lead every one in song

“Ben? Ben?…Ben! Come on man, you’re the director!”
“I had a question about ‘crepuscular!’ Fucking-A.”
-Dave and Ben. Rehersal is always interesting

“I totally de-virginized all of your stuffed animals.”
-Joanna gets in character

“A room full of black people is *tight.* They rock their gospel shit.”
-Aaron coaches people on how to sing

“I thought I *was* doing it though.”
“You were. And then you shifted to whiteness.”
-Natalie trying to have rhythm and Brendan helping

“It’s definitely *that* kind of day when you start to reference the Disney.”
-Sarah at the end of the week

“Okay, I gotta figure out a better way to take off my face.”
-Aaron (during rehersal) has trouble with his character

“You are just so adorable, Brendan, I could… squeeze the stuffing out of you.”
(Laughs)”What part of the country are you *from*?”
“A cute part.”
-Jessie gives a compliment and Brendan makes fun of her

“Don’t you dare buy that apple sauce, Sam!”
“Hey, I’m just trying to perform a service here. ‘Cause apparently some people aren’t getting the job done.”
“Yeah... *Luke.*”
-Luke, Sam and Whitney (in that order) argue over the logistics of a wrestling match

“Where does that saying come from anyway? ‘Put your foot in your mouth.’ How could some one do that? It’d probably tear up your gums; hurt your hip…”
“Do you really spend time thinking about this sort of thing?”
“Well, you reach a certain age and that’s all that’s left.”
-Jim and a student

“This next song I wrote when I found out that I was going to be playing here tonight. Are Joe, Jay, Harry, Justin and Chris all here? Good. Cause this entire song is just one big inside joke between me and those five guys. So… enjoy.”
-Aaron

“Wait, I don’t understand. Why does it say ‘Chunky Monkey’ backwards?”
-Seth doesn’t get modern art

“This house is so very ‘the butler is dead.’”
-Eric