Roswell

"Sheriff Valenti, welcome to the ever-burgeoning 'I know an alien' club."
-Nasedo

"No way. Last time I lent out the Jetta, an uzzi took out the back window."
-Maria

Liz: "Hi." Kyle: "Well? You here for a reason, or did you just rush right over 'cause you sensed I might be experiencing some actual joy?"

Michael: "She wouldn't do that. She's obsessed with me."
Maria: "Well, I guess that makes two of you then, doesn't it?"

"You can never find those little 'pod people' when you want them."
-Pierce

"Buddha, forgive me. But I'm gonna kick your ass!"
-Kyle

"I'm not avoiding you. We destroyed a race of people- I'm just trying to get past it. Juice?"
-Isabel

"You know what? If you laid off the mumbo jumbo, you might get a date every once in awhile."
-Sheriff Valenti

Maria: "Okay, so how does electricity work?"
Kyle: "Why are you lookin' at me? We were both in the same remedial science class for three years."

Tess: "Hmmm, Calvin Klein. I approve."
Kyle: "Dad!"

Tess: "Kind of uptight about nudity, aren't you, for a guy who reads 'Jugs'?"
Kyle: "Give me that!"
Tess: "Oh- the post-its? Nice touch."

Sports Night

"You go to 10 and I'm gonna kick your ass."
"You ever heard of artistic freedom?"
"You ever heard of me kicking your ass?"
-Dana and Casey

"A lot's changed since you've been out there."
"Do people still where shoes?"
"Do they ever."
-Dan and Casey discuss dating

". . . and you see how you were able to tell me that without taking all your clothes off?"
-Dan to Sally

ER

"Weaver and the sound of her own voice: A love story."
-Doug (ER)

Lucy: "Whatever happened to the sensitive 90's male? You know- walks in the park and candlelit dinners?"
Dale: "They're all gay, aren't they Carter?"
Carter: "Every single one."
-'ER'

Angel

Cordelia (spinning in Angel's chair): "Hey, look at me. I'm Angel!"
Wesley: "He doesn't generally spin that much."
Cordelia: "Right. Right. This is Angel. (Picks up a book, opens it and pretends to read, putting her head in her hand) Oh, no. I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of snapping on Friday."

Angel: "Where did you learn how to drive?"
Host: "Just now in your car. Not bad for a beginner, huh?"

Wesley: "Things'll pick up. They're bound to."
Cordelia: "Yeah. It's L.A. The evil's probably just tied up in traffic or something."

"Go to sleep, lullaby,
You've been fed and you're sleepy,
You'll be with Uncle Lorne,
Who in no way resents not being asked to go to the ballet
And he's certainly not thinking
of selling you to the first vampire cult that makes him a decent offer..."
-Lorne

The Family Guy

"Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside. They're dead. And that'll be our lives."
-Lois

"Boy, she's pretty pissed, huh?"
"Yeah. Who'd have thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons?"
-Peter and Brian

Fred: "Gee whiz, gang, looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river."
Velma: "Geez, what a mystery."
ScoobyDoo: "Awrroo."
Fred: "You're right, Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch."
-'Scooby Doo' on 'The Family Guy'

"Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes, it wasn't about the eggs really. Frankly I like the yolks, I- I don't- I have no problem, it's... There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me and it's not so much that I want to kill her. It's just that I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, by god wouldn't it be marvellous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
-Stewie

Random TV

"This is a teaching hospital; you're here to learn. We could call it a learning hospital, but that would scare the patients."
-'Gideon's Crossing'

"Early to rise and early to bed, Makes a man healthy, but socially dead."
- Wakko Warner

"If you're wondering how he eats and breathes, and other science facts- repeat to yourself 'It's just a show, I should really just relax.'"
-MST3K

"Why is it we never meet anyone nice?"
"Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?"
- Lister & Cat, "Red Dwarf"

"Step up to red alert."
"Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."
- Rimmer & Kryten, "Red Dwarf"

"Ironic isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you."
-Mr. Burns (The Simpsons)

"No, this is my cause. I'm like the man who single-handedly built a rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name . . . Apollo Creed?"
-Homer Simpson

"Can I tell you something about Kathie Lee [Gifford]? She eats puppies."
-John Stewart

"Earth. Oh, don't get me wrong, a thousand years ago it had character . . . Crusades, Spanish Inquisition, Watergate . . ."
-Q 'Star Trek: Deep Space Nine'

"It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent."
-Q (Star Trek)

"You know, before they invented elevators I had to walk all the way from hell."
-The Devil, 'Brimstone'

"I saved the Captain's life."
"I thought you were the Captain."
"Uh... We rotate."
-'Enterprise'

"Clean, lemony fresh victory is mine!"
-'Invader Zim'

"You know, we really should have given him a mission on a sun. Or a planet of broken glass or something."
"Yeah. Or one of those exploding-head planets."
-'Invader Zim'

"He's missing his liver. That's how some kids react to the cafeteria food. The lucky ones."
-Invader Zim

"Aaah! The dead have risen, and they're voting republican!"
-Bart Simpson

"Happiness goes down the more intelligence goes up. In fact, I made a graph... I make a lot of graphs."
-Lisa Simpson

". . . and if you don't tell me what's going on I'm gonna shoot you. Right in the elbow."
-Hobbes 'The Invisible Man'

"You're gonna take a long walk off a short pier. A cliche, I know, but I happen to own a pier."
-Sonny Faddis, 'The Pretender'

"Tormenting hours are nine to five. Call back tomorrow."
-Miss Parker to Jarod, 'The Pretender'

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