Spike: "Come on, now! It's telly time! "Passions" is on! Timmy's down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I'll..."
Giles: "Do what? Lick me to death?"

Giles: "Stop, whatever you're doing. You smell like fruit roll-ups."
Spike: "This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed."

Principal Snyder: "Where are you from, Harris?"
Xander: "Well, the basement mostly."
Principal Snyder: "Were you born there?"
Xander: "Possibly."

"If they told James Marsters that his new love interest was a cement block, he would have chemistry with the cement block. We would all be Spike/Cement Block shippers, and there would be a S/CB fic list, and whenever JM looked at the block just so, we would all post things like, "Whoa, Cement Block looked hot tonight."
- Amy

Joyce: "Honey, did you... somehow - unintentionally - lead him on in any way? Uh, send him signals?"
Buffy: "Well, I... I do beat him up a lot. For Spike that's like third base."

"Every step has been painful and insane and pretty much shaken my faith in humanity. I also don't trust Caribou anymore. They're out there, on the tundra, waiting. . . Something's going down. I'm right about this."
-Joss Whedon

"Look, we all know it's gonna happen. It's a budget issue. When we run out of budget -- bring on the socks."
-Joss Whedon on the 'sock puppet' episode of Buffy

"We all agree. However, there are no plans at this time. Alexis is bigger than me. "
-Joss Whedon on an 'all naked Willow all the time' episode of Buffy

"I'm a very gentle man, not unlike Gandhi. I don't ever threaten them. There is, sort of hanging over their head, the thing that I could kill them at any moment. But that's really just if they annoy me."
-Joss Whedon on the actors of Buffy and Angel

"I think it's not inaccurate to say that I had a perfectly happy childhood during which I was very unhappy."
-Joss Whedon

"I mean, people ask me, 'What's the worst job you ever had?'
"'I once was a writer in Hollywood...'"
-Joss Whedon

"If nobody was paying attention, I might very well say, 'You know what, guys? Let's churn 'em out, churn 'em out, make some money.' I like to think I wouldn't, but I don't know. I don't know me, I might be a dick."
-Joss Whedon

"I actually went online and said, 'I realize that this has shocked a lot of people, and I've made a mistake by trying to shove this lifestyle--which is embraced by, maybe, at most, 10 percent of Americans--down people's throats. So I'm going to take it back, and from now on, Willow will no longer be a Jew.'"
-Joss Whedon on Willow's sexual orientation

"And UPN is on board for letting me do the show the way that works. I don't think anything will change. I mean, there'll be wrestling. But tasteful wrestling. Wrestling with a message behind it."
-Joss Whedon on the network switch

"At first, I was like, 'I shall never write for television.' I was a total snob. I never watched American TV, I only watched, like, Masterpiece Theatre. And I was like, 'Television is lame-o. I am a film student. I shall never write for... They pay how much?'"
-Joss Whedon

"So I went once or twice, and I went after the première of Buffy [the series]. And the producer guy they had saw me, and said, "Hey, I went to the première of your show, and it was so weird. I said, ‘Hey, they're playing it the way he writes it!'" I was like, "And what are they doing here?" That was my first sign that there might be trouble."
-Joss Whedon

"I'm keenly aware that they could get rid of me 'like that'. And they'd still be very successful. I was out, they had Faith in, and it was riveting. I remember this! This is why I show up on time."
-James Marsters (Spike)

"You SO wish you were me!"
-James Marsters

"I'm doing my laundry at this Laundromat, waiting for my clothes to dry. I notice three teenage girls staring at me and whispering to one another. I figure, 'Hey, I'm not busy - I should go say hello to these Buffy fans and see if they want an autograph.' So I go over and strike up a conversation: 'Hi, how ya doing, I'm James' - stuff like that. After ten seconds of this, I'm feeling kind of weird because they haven't mentioned Buffy at all! Finally one of them gives me a look like I'm the biggest pervert in the world and says, 'Um, I'm like... thirteen.' Then she kind of squints and stares me down. I realize that these girls didn't recognize me at all! They thought I came over to try to pick them up! I was so embarrassed. I mumbled something and turned to go. And as I walked away, I could hear them laughing at me!"
-James Marsters

"Spike finding Dawn at the grave. < sigh > How sick is it to love him for helping her resurrect her dead mother?"
-SunS episode review

"James Marsters is a rather talented and charismatic fellow. With nice cheekbones and eyes, and a pretty decent voice. And he's kinda sexy. In his own way. If you like that sort of thing. Which I do. Very Very Very Very Very Much. I'm just sayin'."
-SunS episode review

"At first I was like... are they doing what I think they are.... and then the angle changed and that's when I began babbling: 'they're.... they're..... they're....' It did take at least one angle change for it to sink in."
-Judy (SunS)

"I didn't realize what a sick, twisted person I was 'til I watched this. And then had to rewatch a few times."
-Jennie (SunS)

"I kept thinking how politically incorrect it was. And how very very much I didn't care. At all."
-Kiki (SunS)

"First off, James Marsters is God. We have to clone him as soon as possible. And preserve those cheekbones and that acting ability for the general gene pool."
-SunS episode review

"Beer. Had the earliest morality developed under the influence of beer, there would be no good or evil. There would just be 'kinda nice' and 'pretty cool.'"
- College Guy (Beer Bad)

"You. All of you. Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people?"
-Principal Snyder (Choices)

Giles: "I can't believe you served Buffy that beer."
Xander: "I didn't know it was evil!"
Giles: "But you knew it was beer!"
Xander: "Well excuse me, Mr. 'I spent the sixties in an electric Kool-Aid funky Satan groove.'"
Giles: "It was the early seventies, and you should know better."

Ms. Calendar: "Kids really dig the library, don't ya?"
Buffy: "We're literary!"
Xander: "To read makes our speaking English good."

Xander: "I kinda had a problem with the math."
Willow: "Uh, which part?"
Xander: "The math."

Xander: "This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz'. Today it's 'Rain of Toads'."
- (The Harvest)

Cordelia: "I don't know what to say. It was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge?"
- (Teacher's Pet)

Willow: "And over here, we have the cafeteria, where we were mauled by snakes."
Xander: "And this is the spot where Angel tried to kill Willow."
Willow: "Oh, and over there in the lounge is where Spike and his gang nearly massacred us all on Parent-Teacher night. Oh, a-and up those stairs, I was sucked into a muddy grave."
Xander: "And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays. But - um - I've learned to be afraid."
- (Faith, Hope, and Trick)

Giles: "Tucker is planning to attack the prom tonight."
Oz: "Once again, the Hellmouth puts the 'special' in 'special occasion.'"
Xander: "Why do I even buy tickets for these things, I ask you?"
- (The Prom)

Xander: "I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster."
Giles: "Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space. (pause) I did not say that."
- (Listening to Fear)

Spike: "Hey- picked up a tail."
Giles: "Yes. Just a little one. It hurts when I sit."
Spike: "I mean someone is following us."
- (A New Man)

"He's God's gift to the bell curve. What he lacks in smarts he makes up in lack of smarts."
- Xander (Inca Mummy Girl)

Jack: "What are you, retarded?"
Xander: "No! No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything."
- (The Zeppo)

Buffy: "He knows, Giles."
Giles: "What?"
Buffy: "Ford knows I'm the Slayer."
Ford: "I know. "
Giles: "Oh! Uh, very good, yes. Uh. Um, Buffy... You are not, by any chance, betraying your secret identity just to impress, um, cute boys, are you?"

Cordelia: "Is Mr. I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show-up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there?"
Oz: "Yeah. Y'know, he's just going by 'Devon' now."
- (Halloween)

Buffy: "Hey, Ken, wanna see my impression of Gandhi?" (Smashes his head with hers)
Lily: "Gandhi?"
Buffy: "Well, you know, if he was really pissed off."
- (Anne)

Spike (impersonating Anya): "Xander, don't you care about me?"
Xander: "Shut up!"
Spike: "We never talk!"
Xander: "Shut up."
Spike: "Xaaannnder... "
Xander: "Shut up!"
- (Hush)

Cordelia (spinning in Angle's chair): "Hey, look at me. I'm Angel!"
Wesley: "He doesn't generally spin that much."
Cordelia: "Right. Right. This is Angel. (Picks up a book, opens it and pretends to read, putting her head in her hand) Oh, no. I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of snapping on Friday."
- Actually from 'Angel', but whatever (Guise Will Be Guise)

Xander: "Whoa, Giles has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV! He's shallow like us."
Oz: "I've got to admit, I'm a little disappointed."
Giles: "I, ah, uh... uh..."
Willow: "Well maybe it doesn't work. It's, like, art..." (gasp as it's turned on)
Giles (deffensive): "Public television!"
- (Harsh Light of Day)

"Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho. Rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?"
- Xander (Reptile Boy)

Willow: "What does it mean when a girl wants to... you know..."
Xander: "If you're doin' it, I think you should be able to say it."
Willow: "Make love."
Xander: "Wild monkey love or tender Sarah McLachlan love?"
Willow: "Any kind. But what if the girl wants to and the guy doesn't? That's a bad sign, right?"
Xander: "Could be. Or the girl caught the guy in one of the seven annual minutes he's legitimately too preoccupied to do it."
- (Wild at Heart)

“It's all about them and the college life. Well, you know what college is? It's high school, only without the actual going to class. Well… high school was kinda like that too.”
-Xander (The Yoko Factor)

“I thought it was gonna be like in the movies. You know, inspirational music ... a montage: me sharpening my pencils, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked. ‘Cause in my montage I have glasses.”
-Buffy (Out of My Mind)

“Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or… yodel.”
-Buffy (Some Assembly Required)

Dawn: “Geez! Lurk much?”
Spike: “I wasn't lurking. I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe.”
-(Blood Ties)

Spike: “We'd already be somewhere if Captain Slowpoke would give up the wheel. Hey! Gramps! Bloody step on it!”
Giles: “Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power.”
-(Spiral)

Giles: “Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and- uh- we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.”
Buffy: “Liar.”
-(Lie to Me)

Willow: “He wanted me to give you this.” < hands her an egg >
Buffy: “As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.”
Willow: “No, it's your baby!”
Buffy: “Okay, I get it even less.”
Xander: “Well, you know, it's the whole 'sex leads to responsibility' thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg. It's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.”
Willow: “My egg is Jewish.”
Xander: “Then teach it that Dreidel song.”
Buffy: “I can't do this! I can't take care of things! I killed my Giga Pet. Literally. I sat on it and it broke.”
Willow: “You'll do fine.”
Xander: “Yeah, the only thing that stresses me is when do we tell them that they're adopted?”
-(Bad Eggs)

Giles: “Angel's not taking you, is he?”
Buffy: “Angel's leaving me. He's leaving town.”
Giles: “Oh, Buffy, I'm sorry. I don't really know what to say… Um, I understand that this sort of thing requires ice cream of some kind?”
-(The Prom)

“How *is* Angel? Pretend I care.”
-Xander (Ted)

Joyce: “Have we met?”
Spike: “You hit me with an axe one time. Remember? Uh, 'get the hell away from my daughter.'”
Joyce: “Oh. So, do you, uh, live here in town?”
-(Becoming 2)

Buffy: “Xander.”
Willow: “Oh, wonderful Xander!”
Buffy: “You know we love you, right?”
Willow: “We totally do.”
Xander: “Oh God. We're gonna die, aren't we?”
-(Primeval)

Buffy: “I told one lie; I had one drink.”
Giles: “Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant, demon snake. The words 'let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture.”
-(Reptile Boy)

Cordelia: “I don't trust you.”
Spike: “To coin a popular Sunnydale phrase, ‘duh.’”
-(In the Dark)

Anya: “You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.”
(Giles and Spike stare at them)
Xander: “Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?”
Spike: “Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.”

Joyce: “Dawn, be good.”
Xander: “We will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy. I don't know his name.”

Giles: “No no. Ground cloven hooves are 30% off. The whole ones are full price. That's not candy! Xander! There's too many of them... people! And they all seem to want things.”
Xander: “I hear ya. Stay British. You'll be okay.”

Donny: "So all these books got spells in 'em? Turn people into frogs, things like that?"
Xander: "Yeah, we're building a race of frog people. It's a good time."

Oz: "Any change?"
Willow: "He's delirious. He thought I was Buffy."
Oz: "You too, huh?"

Cordelia: "I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan."
Oz: "We attack the Mayor with humus."
Cordelia: "I stand corrected."

Xander: “I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.”
Giles: “Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space… I did not just say that.”

“I dunno. I'm a guy, what do I know? Ask Joss. He's a woman. I mean, feminist! A MANLY feminist.”
-David Fury

“Thanks. It’s nice to know I managed to sneak in a good one. So does that mean I can do a couple of bad episodes now? How much time do I have before I have to cough up another good one? ‘Cause that’s, like, work.”
- Steve DeKnight

Buffy: “They told me that I was sick- I guess crazy- and that Sunnydale and all of this… none of it was real.”
Xander: “Oh, come on. That's ridiculous. What? You think this isn't real just because of all the vampires, and demons, and ex-vengeance demons, and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy...?”
-‘Normal Again’

Spike: “Oh, balls. You didn't say he was a Glarghle Guhl Kashma'nik.”
Xander: “'Cause I can't say Glarba-”
-‘Normal Again’

Warren: “Now, there's the vault.”
Andrew: “I still say we're gonna need eight other guys to pull this off.”
Warren: “I never should have let you see that movie.”

Willow: “Look at you, all coming out of class and everything.”
Tara: “I do that sometimes. Usually at the end part of the class.”

Xander: “I have to go after her.”
Buffy: “Or, in the land of the sane, you could give her some space, let her cool down.”
Xander: “But that's not proactive guy. That's sit-around-and-watch-the- rest-of-your-life-turn-to-crap guy.”
Buffy: “True, but at least ‘crap guy’ gets to keep all of his appendages.”

"I've been singing Bob Dylan for the last half hour. Why? Oh, I don't know. My own edification. The delight of my neighbors, I'm sure."
-James Marsters