Chico did what many in his situation have done—he convinced her to get an abortion. “Neither of us wanted to hassle with parenting,” he explains. “But I was the one who felt stronger about it. So I did what I thought was the responsible thing to do: I took her down to the clinic, and she had the abortion.”

It wasn’t until the following fall that the impact of what he had done crashed down on Chico. “I would walk into a grocery store and hear a baby crying, and it would totally spook me.” Ultimately, guilt and shame led Chico to seek counsel from a local pastor, where he learned about God’s forgiveness and became a Christian.

Another man was faced with the same situation when someone knocked on his door. “I was about 24 years old when I began a relationship with a woman at work,” Don* said. “The relationship fell apart, but a few weeks after it ended, she informed me she was pregnant.”

When Don, who had backslidden from his faith, learned she was considering abortion, he protested. “I was in sales at the time, and I used every sales tactic I had ever learned to persuade her not to go through with it.” Don lost the battle. Though he refused to pay for the procedure or even accompany her to the clinic, he agreed to pick her up afterwards. When he was driving her home, they were both traumatized by the sight of a mother at a bus stop, holding a newborn.

In both cases, the men initially felt a sense of relief, followed quickly by regret, sorrow and conviction. Both are permanently scarred.

They’ve been called forgotten fathers, men stripped of their fundamental right to protect their unborn children. Their grief is not validated by a society that paradoxically demands accountability from the deadbeat dad but scorns the one who wants his child to live.

“Abortion rewrites the rules of masculinity,” says Dr. Vincent Rue, one of the nation’s leading psychologists in postabortion issues. “Whether or not the male was involved in the abortion decision, his inability to function in a socially prescribed manner leaves him wounded and confused.” Society is not sympathetic to abortion survivors in general (postabortion syndrome is still not recognized by the American Psychiatric Association), and men are virtually ignored when it comes to abortion. Men are bypassed legally as well. “Most men do not realize until they face a problem pregnancy that they have been stripped of all legal recourse to protect their unborn child,” says Wayne Brauning, founder of Men’s Abortion Recovery Ministries in Coatesville, Pa.

“There’s a sense that this is not your issue,” says Chico. “You’ve donated something to the process, but the process really happens outside of you.”

Abortion rights come neatly packaged with two lies: Abortion is a woman’s issue only, and the death of the unborn is not a real death. By accepting both lies, men who have lost children to abortion already have two strikes against them when they are confronted with their loss. Strike three is called when men neglect their own healing to console the woman, rather than express their own feelings of anger, hurt or betrayal.

Postabortion Men and the Church

The church is not immune to the ravages of abortion. Warren Williams, founder of Fathers and Brothers in Boulder, Colo., says the incidence of abortion inside the church and outside is virtually identical. And the impact is substantial. “Proverbs 28:17 says that a man tormented by the guilt of murder will be a fugitive until death,” Williams says. “When you’re involved in an abortion, you exhibit fugitive behavior—running, hiding, ignoring, covering up. A church populated by people with a fugitive mind-set is an emasculated church.”

What prevents men from dealing with past abortions? First, men often don’t know they are suffering. Symptoms of postabortion stress seem unrelated to the abortion itself: inability to form trusting relationships, difficulty bonding with children, anger, risk-taking, depression, suicidal feelings, panic attacks, addictions. Psychotherapist Jim Benefield says it can take up to 10 years before men make the connection between their unhealthy behavior and an abortion.

Second, talking about abortion isn’t easy. “It was very tough for me to go back and revisit the abortion,” Chico said. Williams of Fathers and Brothers says that men need to know that they can talk about their emotions freely in a safe environment before they’ll come forward.

Third, pastors are often unwilling to confront the issue directly. Yvonne Wagner, a crisis pregnancy center volunteer, discovered this when she began calling area churches to offer her services as a postabortion counselor. Out of 100 pastors she contacted, only two felt her services were necessary.

Williams suggests that church leaders work together with organizations such as crisis pregnancy centers or Promise Keepers. In this way, pastors can point hurting men in the right direction and raise the level of awareness in the church.

Stepping Out of Denial

For a man to heal from an abortion he must:
• Be motivated. Psychotherapist Benefield says this is the first step toward healing.
• Grieve. “Men are conditioned not to show their feelings,” says Pete Palmer, who after 25 years still recalls the pain of his girlfriend’s abortion. “But even though we’re males, we have to cry. We won’t make any progress beyond that until we can say, ‘Yes, I’ve lost somebody who’s dear to me.’ ”
• Forgive. It took two years before Chico fully grasped what he had done and accepted God’s forgiveness. Finding forgiveness from God, then learning to forgive those involved in the abortion is vital.
• Reconcile. Though most relationships end following abortion, many men seek some sort of reconciliation with those involved. Chico and Don each contacted his former girlfriend and apologized for his role.
• Seek closure. Many men acknowledge their aborted child for the first time by naming or writing letters to him. One father purchased a gravestone and had it placed in a cemetery.

Acceptance doesn’t come easily. Last year at Father’s Day, for example, when fathers at his church were asked to stand and be recognized, Chico remained seated. “I thought about standing,” he said. “I am a father—my child would be about 13 by now. But I didn’t. I don’t know why. Maybe people wouldn’t understand.”

Maybe they won’t understand. But until men begin to acknowledge that abortion has damaged their lives and do something about it, families, the church, and society will continue to suffer.