Q. Dear Jeanne:

Thank God for you and your generous offer to assist others dealing with issues of mental illness. I am hope you can provide some insight to me (beyond that which I've already discovered on my own) and advice. Here goes, the facts I am 44 years old, "was" an attorney but had to quit working due to diagnosis and onset of illness (multiple sclerosis to be exact). My family was NOT supportive post-diagnosis, as I was a newly graduated law student, and they felt I had somehow used up family resources, (primarily financial) only to then not be able to practice due to my health. Anyway, my lift situation has changed dramatically, from promising and eager new lawyer, to welfare recipient awaiting disability determination (recently I received a fully favorable determination and am awaiting onset of benefits.) In any event, I lost my car in the interim for lack of financial resources and had to resort to medically assisted transportation services, i.e., cab drivers, to transport me to/from physicians, etc. One day I was making small talk w/one of my cab drivers, who seemed very interested in the fact that I had been an attorney, and that my life changed dramatically due to lack of support from either friend s or family. He (name Fred) seemed very compassionate, and kind, and said, "Debbie, if you ever would like to 'get out' of your apt., and just go to a store, or just ride around, let me know, here's my cell phone number." Well, it wasn't long before I dialed the number, and realized I was taking a risk, but having been alone for two whole years, with no visitors, I decided it was worth the risk. He was again, very kind, compassionate, and concerned. Well, slowly, this friendship evolved into a budding relationship, and it was not long before I realized that he had some definite psychological problems, particularly, alcohol abuse and rage. A few times he quite literally scared me and I feared for my safety. Since bringing this to his attention, he has voluntarily ceased alcohol consumption (sober 1 month). I tried to nudge him into AA or Smart program for alcohol abuse, but he found both programs "not for him." As it stands now, he realizes I will not be in his company if he does not manage his anger better. Since then, he has been writing me letters, which in my layperson's opinion, are replete with cognitive misperceptions and other psychological issues related to either borderline personality or antisocial personaltiy disorders. He is on Klonopin for epilepsy, or so he claims. He does have a history of drug abuse (glue sniffing 20 years ago) and oxycontin addiction (7 years ago). He also spent approx. 4 years in county jail for shoplifting to support the inhalant addiction. He got out of jail 9 years ago and successfully fought for sole custody of his son. (Mother is living with alcoholic).

My question is thus: Other than encouraging him to seek help (parenting skills, psychotherapy for what I ardently suspect is a moderate level of borderline or antisocial disorders), how do I show Fred that I do care about him, have genuine feelings for him (he feels he can not trust me, is "leery" of me, and is otherwise suspicious of me in many ways!) but cannot continue to absorb the onslaught of daily accusations, insults, etc., which he writes extensively about in his letters to me. At times, he is the most loving, fun, and funny person I have had the pleasure of meeting in a long time. (We have known each other know, for almost 6 months). He is also, believe it or not, a paralegal, and that is why we had something in common from the beginning (i.e., law). But at other times, I can't understand why he is feeling so accusatory toward me. Yes, I do have multiple sclerosis, also low level depression, and occasional mood swings due to the disease, but I feel I still very much have a "grip" on life and reality, something that Fred ocassionally but seriously has lapses of. How can I best deal with him? Should I just end it, and give up? I feel he will try to get help, including an accurate diagnosis, etc., but in the meantime, how do I cope with this rollercoast ride? I worry about him, his 11 year old son, and even me! What's the best tact? Give him ultimatums regarding our relationship? Or, tell him it's time to "get real" as suggested by one person? Or, continue as I am, trying to convince him I am not trying to hurt him, or leave him, or any of the other things he accuses me. I know I made him sound out of control, and much of the time, he is not. I just feel exhausted by it all. He does too, in fact. Or so he says, only to then add, "give me time, Deb, I'll address things."
Please help if you can. I appreciate your time and thoughts.

A. It always helps to have background of the situation. After reading and re-reading what you have written, the conclusion I come to is that Fred is not going to change until Fred wants to change. It will not matter what you say to him, how many times you tell him you are not angry, upset, etc. If a person is set in thinking a certain way about a situation until that situation changes, that person will continue to think in the same manner. Case in point. You don't trust that Fred is taking Klonopin for epilepsy, but did you ask him if he has any other ailments? He feels "leary" of you, feels that you are not being honest with him, but he is not open to you communicating that you are not those things. Both of you are contributing to the miscommunication of the relationship on many levels, but it goes beyond that. IF Fred has a problem with alcohol, one month is not a good judge on whether or not he is free from the thoughts of that addiction. Not only the wants and needs, but the insecurities of his feeling surrounding "quitting". Also, is he quitting because he wants to or for other reasons? This can be a source of trust issues between you as well as one may thing they "must" do something to please the other. This could be a source of his anger as well, in addition to other triggers, alcohol or lack there of, may be one of them. Other factors may contribute, but since this is the most recent event change, I would guess this could be the driving source at this time. I could go on and on with examples, but the fact is that you already know it is not a healthy relationship. You know this because you have addressed issues within the relationship that are not to your liking, that you don't understand why and can't find an answer for. As with any relationship, working things out is the ultimate goal, however that has to be agreed upon by both parties and this doesn't seem to be the case in your situation. I ask that you take a good look at what is going to be best for your personal, mental, and physical (this means your safety) well-being before that of anyone elses, this includes his children or family. They will take care of themselves, or someone will for them. Take care of yourself first and formost. Best Wishes to you.

Jeanne