Q. Hi,

I am a graduate student and have worked in a lab for over a year. My principle co-worker (also a graduate student) and I became very close friends, sharing an apartment and taking a road trip together over the summer. I knew she was insecure despite her cheery affect that fooled professors and aquaintances. This fall she she became increasingly depressed and angry at me for being "happy." She eventually had a nervous break down and came very close to death because of substance abuse. It was a difficult time for both of us. She wanted to hide her issues from our boss. I helped by keeping up her share of the research and sending emails through her account to give others the impression that she was still working. After 1.5 months, she is back and feeling better, but is extremely mean to me and other students and friends. She goes out of her way to call us stupid and embarrass us in front of professors and visiting scholars. I feel that she could at least be civil to me considering I did so much work for her and never asked to recieve credit (I published a paper with "our" results and put her name first). Now she is even claiming that she did all the work and I did none. She told a mutual friend that she hopes she can drive me to the point of a nervous break down so I feel what it is like. Do you have any insights on her behavoir towards me and how I could best respond? (I have already tried the "I feel sad that I have upset you. Is there something I can do differently ?" approach.) Thank you for your assistance.

A. Hi and thanks for your question. The first thing I want to say to you is that you do not need to put up with this type of emotional "spewing" from your friend. It is not your fault that she had a "breakdown" or that she feels the way she does and in no way should you change the way you feel in order to satisfy her need to want you to feel "as bad as she does". She is choosing to feel the way she does and she also probably knows what she can do to feel better. It sounds as though she is in need of attention and the way she is going about it is through being "rude" or "mean" to her friends and associates. My best advice to you is to remove yourself from the situation. Explain to her very directly that "your comments hurt me and until you can be happy around me, I am choosing not to be around you". Perhaps this will snap her out of it, perhaps she will find others to satisfy her need to express herself negatively, but you as a friend need to give her what she seems to need most, honesty and directness.....and let her decide for herself if your friendship is worth improving her attitude for. You are not the one that should apologize for someone elses behavior, you have no control over that. The only thing you have control over is how you choose to deal with the situation and my advice is to step away from it for now until your friend is in a better space. Happy Holidays.

Jeanne