Q. I have been married to my wife for over 4 years and most of that time has been spent fighting with her or dealing with her manipulation. If I tell her we need therapy or that I want to leave, she turns it into an issue of me not loving her enough. When that fails it turns into an issue of how mistreated she is by everyone, not just me, and how unfair life is and she should just kill herself. She threatens suicide at least once a week now. Last year I convinced her to get help, but she only went to 4 appointments and then said the psychologist mistreated her and it was not fair of me to expect her to go back. I want to leave, but I am scared that if I do she really will kill herself. Do you have any advice? We are both educated and intellgent people. I am 32 and she is 29.

Richard

A. Richard,

Thanks for your email. The first thing I have to say is that it is NOT your fault if your wife does something to hurt herself. This is the one point I want to stress. What I hear you saying is that you want to leave but you feel if you do that will be the last straw and she will end her life. That isn't your problem, it's hers. She hasn't hit that rock bottom yet and hasn't any clue how she is affecting other people's lives.

It is so hard to let go of someone when your heart is involved, but if you are ready to leave, and you feel you have done all that you can do for your wife, then you need to give you both some space, no matter how much it hurts, tell her that you are doing it because you love her, and one day she'll understand. I had the same experience, and I will tell you that I was so angry, upset, mad, but after I started getting help, I understood why my significant other did what they did. You need to take care of yourself. You leaving may be her rock bottom, or she may continue to live as she has been living and find someone else to manipulate. But, please, don't give up any more of your own life for someone who doesn't have a strong concept of where they should be in life. I have lost so many friends to my manipulation, however, those that truly loved me saw me through the pain, and the recovery. It is possible, but choosing to get help and get healthy is a decision only your wife can make. I wish you all the best.

Smiles to you
Jeanne