In Honor of Family and Friends By Ann M Lindaman © We’ve all heard the sayings that “life is short”, “live life to the fullest”, “live for today and don’t worry about tomorrow” and one of my favorites; “life is not a dress rehearsal”. We’ve all heard our parents or grandparents say things like that, but I don’t think that most of us could comprehend the meaning of what they were trying to tell us. At the time, we thought of them as old and especially when we were teens, we felt that they couldn’t understand us and frankly we probably didn’t take the time to understand them. We couldn’t fathom that they were ever our age; let alone that they had ever fallen in love, sneaked kisses from a boy or a girl, struggled with passion and tried so hard not to let things go too far or that they could have ever felt the way that you do at your age. But the truth is they did. They knew, like most of us have learned what it was like to be young, to be rejected by someone of the opposite sex or even a best friend. They knew what it was to feel like an outcast among peers and even some knew the pain of being bullied. More importantly they really did know the joy of passion. Hard to imagine our parents and grandparents feeling that way, isn’t it? But now that I am one, I’m telling you unequivocally it’s the truth!
My point is that life really is short. It seems like yesterday that my children were going through some of the crisis stages of being a teen. It seems like weeks ago that they were babies themselves and now they have their own babies, their own teenagers. I’m not sure how that happened so quickly. We went about our days raising them, going to work, being involved and before you know it, they were grown. It happened so amazingly fast.
I’ve lost some pretty special people in my life over the course of the last 10 to 15 years. All of my grandparents are gone, a very special Aunt and an Uncle are dead, and my Dad and my Stepmother are gone. My Mother is still with us but suffers from Dementia, a truly heartbreaking disease, and I miss her terribly even though she’s still living. Logic tells me that this is the natural order of things. The generation born before me will obviously die before me. However I can tell you that after they’re gone, it doesn’t seem like they had enough time no matter what age they are. My grandmother especially; I miss her more than words can say. She was one of the brightest stars I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing let alone the privilege of loving and having that love returned.
Nearly two years ago I lost one of my best friends who was the backbone of my writing. He encouraged me to keep the thoughts flowing and I have to tell you that it’s been difficult to keep the thoughts going and the fingers typing knowing that he’s not there anymore to proof read, to tell me honesty what he thinks of something I’ve written. I try to remember all the things he said, wishing that I had written them all down but sadly I didn’t. My mentor is gone but I remember him telling me that soon it would be my turn to mentor someone. I don’t think I could ever measure up his mentoring skills but I will certainly try at every chance that I get.
What truly shakes you to the core is when someone young is tragically taken long before their time should come to an end. For instance that special Uncle I referred to was brutally murdered in his early forties. His children were teenagers; I was a teenager. That was a devastating event for my Dad’s side of the family but time does heal and remarkably life does go on. Very recently we lost my 58 year old cousin Lori on my Mom’s side of the family. Last November she let us know that she was diagnosed with lung cancer. I called her and we talked. I kept trying to think of something encouraging to say but the best I could do was to tell her that they’ve been making remarkable discoveries with cancer treatments and that people are beating cancer every day and not to give up. She promised that she wouldn’t give up. The beginning of February brought good news from the West Coast. With chemotherapy the new scan showed that the cancer had shrunk and that she was beginning to feel better. I suppose in my mind I let myself believe that she was going to beat this ugly disease and so we went about our daily lives. I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t call my cousin again. I let myself believe that she was healing and tomorrow would always be there for us. It wasn’t and now I’m left with the knowledge that the only family she had left, let her die out in California without saying goodbye or that we loved her. She wasn’t all alone; her husband Mike was with her, which is a comfort, but I do wish that I could have heard her voice, her laugh once more and that I hadn’t just assumed that she was doing alright. I wish she had heard that her Iowa family loved her one more time. I also wish I had been there for her husband as well.
And tonight I had the obligation to tell my cousin’s Lori’s brother that his sister passed away three weeks ago. He told me that he hadn’t seen or heard from her in thirty years. Thirty years! Joe doesn’t have any children, separated from his wife, his Dad is dead, doesn’t know where his mother is and no other relatives but my Mom, my sister and myself and he hadn’t talked or seen his sister in thirty years! Lori had two children that she gave up to her ex-husband when she was in her twenties and never saw them again. Can a person’s life get any more tragic than that? What happens to a family that they can become that distant? I’m not naïve enough to think families don’t have problems; I barely have a relationship with my only sibling but we don’t hate each other or stay angry enough with each other to stay away for thirty years!
Another bit of sad news was thrust upon my husband and me on this beautiful afternoon in May. Kendall’s Uncle Bud was diagnosed with cancer today. His wife passed almost two years ago. They had been married for 65 years. He’s 90 and he misses Lillian and I’m sure he’s ready. We’ve tried our best to be there for him but I know that nobody could take the place of his beloved Lil. We will miss him. He’s been a joy to be around all these years and we know life must end for everyone at some point, but it’s still sad for us. I for one, still miss Lillian so very much. She was another one of those bright stars in my life.
So, in honor of Lori, all those who have gone before me and for those that are solidly in my life, instead of burying the guilt deep inside, I wanted to share this story and remind those of us who take our friends, loved ones and family unintentionally for granted and mistakenly think that they’ll always be there, to please remember that they might not be. There might not be another chance to say “I love you, I’m sorry” or to forgive someone. There might not be another hug, another smile, another day to just stop in and say hello to someone you haven’t seen for a long time. The day that you thought might come someday to mend an argument might come a day too late.
I personally know that some wounds are so deeply embedded in us that they become a part of who we are. In the scheme of things, are they really that bad? If the answer is no and if you can find a way to let them go, your spirit will feel so much lighter and freer. If the wounds are truly unforgivable then for your own sake, find a way to still let them go. I know from experience that a person only remains a victim at their own hand. If someone has done something to hurt you, the best way to get revenge is to let it go. You’re only a victim as long as you allow those wounds to affect how you live today. There is always something in my life of which I’m happy and feel blessed about. If I wake up in pain and don’t want to get out of bed, I think of all the reasons to get up, to be happy and I choose to be happy and love my life despite the physical pain that I’m in, despite any emotional pain that I’m in. It’s a choice given to us every time we open our eyes. We can get out of bed and be an Eeyore or a Tigger for that day, and sometimes it’s as simple as that. One day at a time. I still struggle to maintain my Tigger attitude each and every day, but that’s what I strive to be; it’s my choice, it’s your choice. I truly hope that you can love your life. Count your blessings, not the sad things in your life. It feels so good!
This is my way of getting the pain of loss out; putting it on paper. I keep thinking that if just one thing I have to say or one thought of mine helps just one person, that the time spent putting it on paper wasn’t in vain.
If there is someone in your life that you have thought about recently and didn’t take the time to reach out to them, perhaps this is the day to do it. Pick up the phone, write a letter, or send an email. There could be a reason that you thought of that person and it could mean the world to them if you reached out.
“To the world you might just be one person, but to one person, you might just be the world.” ~author unknown~
Writers update: Little did I know that when I wrote this, that Bud would leave us Tuesday, May 18th, 2010. He left quickly and peacefully and I'm quite certain that Lillian was waiting for him with open arms. We certainly will miss him but he's at peace now with his beloved Lil.
May 14, 2010
Song Choice "I will Praise you in the Storm" by Casting Crowns: Play music
back to my homepage
