A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that penguin?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I'm taking him to the movies."
Dust
A little boy comes in and says to his mother, "Is it true that we
come from dust and return to dust?"
"That's what the Bible says," she answered.
"Well, somebody is either coming or going under my bed," he said.
How?
A new travelling salesman was making the rounds with a veteran
salesman. The veteran told him that a few miles up the road there was
an Indian reservation and this old Indian that remembers EVERYTHING that
ever happened to him. They stopped in, found the old man and the veteran
salesman told the rookie, "Go ahead, ask him something."
Rookie: What did you have for breakfast January 3rd, 1943?
Indian: Eggs.
Rookie: Oh big deal, anyone could have said that...
so they drive away. A few years later the rookie is now a veteran and
finds himiself near the reservation, so he stops in. He finds the old
Indian man, raises his right hand and says "How."
Indian: Scrambled.
The Loan
A frog went into a bank with a small object under his arm, and
approached a teller.
"I'd like to apply for a loan," said the frog.
"You'll need to see Mrs. Whack, our loan officer. Have a seat over
there and she'll be with you as soon as she can."
A little while later, Mrs. Whack came out and showed the frog into her
office. "Have a seat," she said. "What can I do for you?"
"I'd like to apply for a loan, Mrs. Whack." said the frog.
"Call me Patty," she replied. "I must admit, we don't get many frogs in
here. Do you have anything for collateral?"
The frog offered her the small object which he had been carrying. Patty
looked at it, and said "This is a very unusual object. I'll need to
check with bank manager to see if we can accept this as collateral.
Would you wait here a moment?"
She went to the bank manager's office. "Excuse me, sir, but there's a
frog in my office who would like to have a loan. This is what he has
for collateral." She showed him the small object the frog had given
her.
The bank manager said: "Why, it's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the
frog a loan!"
The Magician and the Parrot
So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been
doing his routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences
appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have
to worry too much about new tricks.
However, there's this parrot who
sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after
year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts
giving it away for the audience.
For example, when the magician makes
a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squaks "Behing his back!
Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but
he doesn't know what to do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he
can't just kill it.
One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to
swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is
sitting on the other end of the plank. The just stare at each other
and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak. On the
morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician
and says:
"OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
Actual Instruction Labels...
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Jimmy
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and
out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, `For
Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"
Just For A Laugh
Which Is Heavier, A Full Moon Or A Half Moon?
A Half Moon Because A Full Moon Is Lighter.
Why Are Goldfish Red?
Because The Water Makes Them Rusty.
Who Invented Fire?
Some Bright Spark.
Where Does Success Come Before Work?
In The Dictionary
Why Did Stone Age Man Draw Pictures Of Hippopotamus And Rhinoceroses On Cave Walls?
Because He Couldn’t Spell Their Names.
Which Animal Is Found On Every Legal Document?
A Seal.
Why Are Astronauts Successful People?
Because They Always Go Up In The World.
Why Is Alabama The Smartest State In The U.S.A?
It Has Four A’s And One B.
Which Is The Best Hand To Write With?
Neither, It’s Best To Write With A Pen.
What Sort Of Animal Is A Slug?
A Snail With A Housing Problem.
Who Invented Underground Tunnels?
A Mole.
What Followed The Dinosaur?
It’s Tail
Which Elizabethan Explorer Could Stop Bikes?
Sir Francis Brake.
Two Boys Were having A Boxing Match In The School Hall. One Of The Boys Was Swinging Punches Like Fury But Not Landing Any. At The End Of The Round He Asked The Games Master How He Was Doing. “Not Very Well’, Said The Games Master.
But Carry On With What You’re Doing He Might Catch A Cold From The Draughts!’
How Do You Service Your Pogo Stick?
Give It A Spring Clean
.
Why Were The Members Of The Cricket Team Given Lighters?
Because They Kept Losing Their Matches.
What Is An Insects Favourite Game?
Cricket.
Did You Hear About The Two Flies Playing Football In A Saucer?
They Were Practising For The Cup.
If There’s Referee’s In Football, And An Umpire In Tennis, What Do You Have In Bowls?
Goldfish.
Mum Can I have A New Pair Of Plimsoles For Gym Please?
No Let Jim Buy His Own.
Why Didn’t You Stop That Ball?
That’s What The Net’s For, Isn’t It.
What Ring Is Square?
A Boxing Ring.
When Is Cricket A Crime?
When There’s A Hit And Run.
Why Did The Liquorice Go Jogging?
Because It Was A Good Sport.
What Is A Chinese Golf Teacher Called?
Ho Lin Wun.
What Game Goes Round And Round?
Rounders.
Games Teacher: You Never Come First In Anything.
Pupil: I Come First In The Dinner Queue.
What Do You Get When You Cross A Dive With A Handstand?
A Broken Back.
What Is The Quietest Game?
Ten Pin Bowling Because You Can Hear A Pin Drop.
What Has Eleven Heads And Runs Round Screaming?
A School Hockey Team.
What Does A Runner Lose In A Race?
His Breath.
Why Did Cinderella Get Thrown Out Of The Rounders Team?
She Was Always Running Away From The Ball.
Teacher: Why Didn’t You Do The Long Jump?
Because I’m Short-Sighted
Teacher: Why Are You Swimming On Your Back?
Pupil: Because I’ve Just had Lunch And It’s Dangerous To Swim On A Full Stomach.
Why Is The Football Pitch Always Wet?
Because The Players Are Always Dribbling.
Can A Match Box?
No, But A Tin Can.
What’s The Difference Between A Nail And A Bad Boxer?
One Is Knocked In And The other Is Knocked Out.
Vicky: Our School Team Has Got Two Chinese Footballers
Dawn: Chinese Footballers
Vicky: Yes, We Won Once And How Long Since
Teacher: Now We’re All Going To Play Squash. Which Side Would You Like To Be On, Billy?
Billy: The Orange Side, Please
Pupil: Cook, There Are Feathers In My Custard.
Cook: I Know, It’s Birds Custards
Did You Hear About The Cruel School Cook?
She Beats The Eggs And Whip The Cream.
How Did The Dinner Lady Get An Electric Shock?
She Stepped On A Bun And A Currant Went Up Her Leg.
What’s The Difference Between A Snowman And A Snow Woman?
Snowballs
A Schoolboy At The Swimming Baths Climbed To The Very Top Diving Board. He Lifted His Arms And Was Just About To Dive Off When The Teacher Came Running Up, Shouting, ‘Don’t Dive There’s No Water In The Pool!
‘That’s OK, Sir,’ Said The Boy. I Can’t Swim!’
The PE Teacher Was Telling The Class How Important It Was To Exercise Regularly. ‘Look At Me, For Example,’ He said. @I Exercise Everyday And I can Lift Three Hundred Pounds.’
‘That’s Nothing, Sir,’ Shouted A Boy At The Back. ‘I Know A Woman Who Can Lift Five Hundred Pounds.’ Good Gracious, Who’s That? Gasped The teacher. ‘A Cashier At The Bank, Sir1’
Sally: Which Word Of Five Letters Has Six Left When You Take Two Away?
Janet: I Don’t Know
Sally: Sixty
Rachel: Did You Hear About The Bowl Of Daffodils In The Maths Classroom?
Alan: No, What Happened?
Rachel: They Grew Square Roots.
What Do You call A Jacket That’s On Fire?
A Blazer
What Runs But Can’t Walk?
Water.
Why Do Elephants Have Trunks?
They’d Look Pretty Stupid With Suitcases.
Knock Knock
Who’s There
Sadie
Sadie Who
Sadie Ten Times Table Twice.
Write A Sentence With The Word Fasinate In it.
My Dad’s Waistcoat Has Nine Buttons But He Can Only Fasten Eight.
What Nationality Are You
Well, My Mother Was Born In Iceland And My Father Born In Cuba, So I Guess The Makes Me An Ice-Cube.
Two Boys Were Fighting In The Playground. The Teacher Separated Them And Said Sternly. ‘ You Mustn’t Behave Like That! You Must Learn To Give And Take!
‘We Did, Miss, ‘ Replied On of The Boys. ‘ He Took My Crisps And I gave Him A Punch
What’s A Cheerful Flea Called?
A Hoptimist.
Knock Knock
Who There
Gladys
Gladys Who
Gladys Friday
Jimmy: Mum, I’ve Been Banned From Science Lessons.
Mother: Why’s That
Jimmy: Because I Blew Something Up
Mother: What
Jimmy: School.
Scenita: What’s The Formula For Water?
Ruth: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O
Scenita: What
Ruth: Teacher Said It Was H To O
Examiner: Never Mind What The Date Is, Get On With The Exam.
Pupil: But, Sir, I Want To Get Something Right.
Exam Question: Where Are The Andes
Pupil’s Answer: On The End Of My Armies
Exam Question: In Great Britain Where Are King And Queen Crowned.
Pupils Answer: On The Head.
Why Is An Optician Like An Examiner?
They Both Test Pupils.
Teacher: What Do You Suggest For A Quick Snack?
Dinner Lady: Runner Beans.
What Kind of Biscuit Flies?
A Plain Biscuit.
Why Did The Strawberry Cry?
Because They Were In A Jam.
Did You Hear About The Famer Who Ploughed His Field With A Steam Roller He Wanted To grow Mashed Potatoes.
Why Did The Apple Turnover?
Because It Saw The Jam Roll.
Knock Knock
Who’s There
Four Eggs
Four Eggs Who
Four Eggs Ample
Roses Are Red
Violets Are Blue
I Copied Your Exam Paper
And I Failed Too
Why Does A Flamingo Lift Up One Leg?
If It Lifted Them Both It Would Fall Into The Water.
Who Invented Fractions?
Henry The 1/8th
What Does Minimum Mean?
A Very Small Mother
What’s The Difference Between A Spanish Student And An English Student?
Hundreds Of Miles
What Sleeps At The Bottom Of The Sea?
A Kipper
Why Did Robin Hood Only Steal From The Rich.
Because The Poor Had Nothing Worth Stealing
Q. What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?
A. Noah's Ark was made of wood; Joan of Arc was Maid of Orleans.
Wisecracks
Waitress: Hawaii mister? You must be Hungary?
Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long either. Venice lunch
ready?
Waitress: I'll Russia table. What'll you Havre? Aix?
Gent: Whatever's ready. But can't Jamaica cook step on the gas?
Waitress: Odessa laugh! But Alaska.
Gent: Don't do me favors. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm
only here to Serbia.
Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus. I hope he'll Kenya!
I don't Bolivia know who I am!
Waitress: Canada noise! i don't Carribean. You sure Ararat!
Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this
arguing Alps business? Be Nice! Matter of fact, I gotta Smolensk for
ya!
Waitress: Attu! Don't Diev me that Boulogne! Alamein do! Spain in
the neck! Pay you check and scram, Abyssinia!
Who'd Guessed
A baby sardine saw a submarine for the first time. "What is that?"
he asked his mother in a fearful voice. "Don't be scared," she
replied. "It's just a can of people."
Strawberry Manure
A little boy runs across this farmer who has a truckload of cow manure. The boy asks him what he is going to do with all that cow poop. The farmer tells the little boy, ''I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries.''
The little boy looks up at the farmer and says, ''I don't know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.'''
Tepee?
A guy went to his psychiatrist complaining that he woke up screaming every night from alternating dreams:
First he would dream he was a tepee, then he would dream he was a wigwam.
"Doctor, what should I do?"
"Well, first of all," the doctor replied, "relax. You're two tents.
WHOOOOSH
Three men have been on a deserted island for 12 years: an Englishman,
a Welshman and an Irishman. One day the Englishman is walking down the
beach and spies a bottle. He takes it back to the hut and shows it to his
buddies. In the course of handling the bottle, it gets rubbed and....
(well, you know the rest)... A genie appears and offers them three
wishes. After a little deliberation they decide that each man will take
one wish. The Genie agrees and asks the Englishman what he wants....
"To be back in Blighty, watching cricket and sipping tea!", he
replies. There's a WHOOOOOSH, and the Englishman disappears.
The genie asks the Welshman the same question.
"To be back in Pontypool, playing rugby and singing hymns!" WHOOOSH,
the Welshman disappears!
"What is your wish?", the genie asks the Irishman. "Well, I wish
Cedric and John hadn't rushed off like that, I didn't get to say
"Goodbye!"
WHOOOOOOOOOSH!
The Wishing Well
At a funeral home, a friend comes over and asks, "How did your
Mother-in-Law Die?"
The man replied, "She fell in a Wishing Well!"
The friend looking surprised says, "I didn't know those things
worked!"
The Old Poodle
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Teacher: Why Didn’t You Do The Long Jump?
A Plain Biscuit.
