1. On Sears hairdryer:   "Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

2. On a bag of Fritos:   "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Evidently, the shoplifter special.)

3. On a bar of Dial soap:   "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:   "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's just a suggestion.)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):   "Do not turn upside down."
(DUH! Too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:   "Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day...)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:   "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:   "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:   "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights:   "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor:   "Not to be used for the other use."
(I have to admit, now I'm curious.)

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:   "Warning: Contains nuts."
(NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:   "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

14. On a child's Superman costume:   "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

15. On a Swedish chain saw:   "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? Good grief.)

16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:   "Do not use on food."
("Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup!" - "It's okay honey, just grab the Palmolive!")

17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:   "If swallowed contact poison control."
(Oh please. Have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)

18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:   "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
(Hey, no more swimming in the washing machine, kids.)