10. Spike your uncle's coffee knowing he's been on the wagon for over 20 years.

9. Charge a cover.

8. Keep remarking, "What a great pair of breasts this turkey has!"

7. Serve the entire meal dressed only in a yellow hard hat and Superman pajamas.

6. Keep hitting on your wife's sister.

5. Mention casually that you used this very turkey baster to conceive your last child.

4. Have the toll-free poison control telephone number printed on the placemat at each table setting.

3. Ask your guests if they enjoyed the new hors d'oeuvres creation made from turkey testicles.

2. Use a stuffed beaver as your dinner table centerpiece.

And the number 1 way to discourage your family from having Thanksgiving dinner at your house next year:

1. Take a few private minutes by yourself to personally stuff the turkey.