- A backward poet writes inverse.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- A day without sunshine is like... night.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
- A good pun is its own reword.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- All me, all the time.
- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
- All stressed out and no one to choke.
- Allow me to introduce my selves.
- Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
- Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
- Ambivalent? Well yes and no.
- And I should care because...?
- And which dwarf are you?
- And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?
- And your point is...?
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
- Are you some kind of special stupid?
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- As long as they think were insane, we're safe.
- Assassins do it from behind.
- At 10 to 2 a 2 is a 10.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Awww, did I step on your poor itty-bitty ego?
- Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Beer: Makes people see double and feel single.
- Beware: Stupid people are breeding.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
- Bitch: Not just a word, a lifestyle.
- Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back.
- Building my insanity defense.
- Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 2?
- CAUTION: I go from 0 to Bitch in 2.7 seconds.
- Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
- Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done.
- Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Constipated people just don't give a shit.
- Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
- Damnedandtarnation-j-c-sufferin'motorcitymothertruckers!
- Damn right I'm good in bed... I can sleep for days!
- Darn tootin' I've been naughty! Now spank my evil butt!
- Death is missing, presumed... er... gone. Which leads to the kind of chaos you always get when an important public service is withdrawn.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
- Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
- Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
- Do I look like a fuckin' people person?
- Do not argue with the forces of nature, for you are small, insignificant, and biodegradable...
- Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and go good with ketchup.
- Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
- Do that again, and they will be tracing you in chalk.
- Do they ever shut up on your planet?
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- Don't take life too seriously - no one gets out alive.
- Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t go down to the whorehouse and tell you how to do yours.
- Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
- Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
- Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Earth First!! We'll strip mine the other planets later!!
- Earth is full. Go home.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
- Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep within the Earth's core.
- Excuse me, but I have souls to harvest.
- Excuse me if I end this conversation by dropping dead from boredom.
- Expect nothing, and you won't be disappointed.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
- Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move the bodies.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
- God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.
- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
- Go to Hell! I hear they're hiring.
- Got into the medicine cabinet at an early age.
- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
- Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
- Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
- Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
- Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
- I always wanted to be somebody. I guess I just wasn't specific enough.
- I am in touch with my inner Bitch.
- I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
- I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
- I crap bigger than you....
- I did NOT escape... They gave me a day pass.
- I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it.
- I dress this way to bother you.
- I drive way too fast to wory about cholesterol.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
- I found Jesus! (He was behind the couch the entire time!)
- I hate everybody, and you're next.
- I have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
- I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
- I have the body of a god... Buddha.
- I hope you have a good sense of humor, because you'll need it when I am through with you.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamilliar territory.
- I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
- I killed my inner child and buried it with the others.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- I live in my own little world, but it's ok, everyone knows me here.
- I may be a nasty bitch, but I'm good at it!
- I may look like me, but I'm really my evil twin.
- I negotiate for the space people.
- I pretend to work; they pretend to pay me.
- I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- I sell crack for the CIA.
- I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
- I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
- I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
- I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
- I'll admit or deny it, whichever works.
- I'll smile when I've ruined someone's day.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
- I'm going to take a nap, but keep on talking.
- I’m in such a good mood; I might even share my toys.
- I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and irritate you at the same time.
- I'm not a bitch, I'm THE bitch.
- I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- I'm not crazy... I've just been in a very bad mood for the last 30 years.
- I'm not desperate... I'm just really, really available.
- I'm not hiding - I'm efficiently utilizing isolation as a defense mechinism.
- I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm loving every blooming minute of it, thanks!
- I'm not tense... I'm just terribly, terribly alert.
- I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
- I'm out of estrogen - and I have a gun.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
- I'm right and you're stupid.
- I'm smiling because they haven't found the bodies yet.
- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else, then seek counseling.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
- If they don't have chocolate in Heaven, I ain't going.
- If today is the first day of the rest of my life, I'm screwed!
- If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
- If we are what we eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy.
- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
- If you drink, drive - don't park. Accidents cause people.
- If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't return, hunt it down and kill it.
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
- Illiterate? Write for help.
- Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
- Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
- Is it time for your medication, or mine?
- It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.
- It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
- It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
- It only seems kinky the first time.
- It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
- It's early. Talk slowly. Use smaller words.
- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, and nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
- I've got multiple personality disorder, I'm in a bad mood, I haven't taken my medicine today, and none of me like you.
- I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them, and hope they panic and give in.
- I've never in my life gone to bed with an ugly man. I woke up with a few, though.
- I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead tomorrow.
- Jesus saves - Gretzky gets the rebound and scores!
- Just act normal; I'm here to help you escape.
- Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause... kids.
- La La La I Can’t Hear You La La La
- Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
- Led astray by daytime television.
- Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Live every second as if your ass was on fire.
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
- Looks like you fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
- Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
- Mind like a steel trap: Rusty and illegal in 37 states.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
- Money isn't everything, but it's right up there with oxygen.
- My dog can lick anyone.
- My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
- My inner child just threw up.
- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
- My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
- My reality check just bounced.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
- Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- Never quit until you have another job.
- Never underestimate the power of a sick mind.
- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- No one is paying attention until you make a mistake.
- Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
- Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
- Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
- Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
- Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
- Okay, okay! I take it back - Unfuck you!!!
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
- One thing about the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Only you can pervert forest fairies.
- Out of my mind. Back in five.
- Plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow.
- Please don't make me kill you.
- Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
- Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
- Practice safe sex. Go screw yourself.
- Princess, having had sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.
- Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- Rehab is for quitters.
- Remember my name. You'll be screaming it later.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- Save the whales. Trade them for valuable prizes!!
- Save your breath for your Inflate-A-Date.
- See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditonis habes. Translation: If you can read this, you're over-educated.
- So many men, so few who can afford me.
- Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
- Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
- Some people are alive simply because it's illegal to kill them.
- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
- Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet.
- Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
- Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
- Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
- Surviving nicely without a website, thank you.
- Tell your little voices to shut up. I can't hear mine!
- That dress would look better on Dennis Rodman.
- That's it! I'm calling the Mothership!
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
- The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
- Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. Your call.
- There is no such thing as sanity. Only varying degrees of insanity.
- There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
- There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
- This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who live by the gun.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
- To save time, let’s just assume I know everything.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- Unlike computers, women will reject a 3½ inch floppy.
- Used to live on the edge; I fell off some time ago.
- Vegetarian: Indian word for Lousy Hunter.
- Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
- Wanted: Overnight Meaningful Relationship
- Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?
- Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
- What attracted you to me... so I can correct it.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- When all else fails, try Prozac.
- When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
- When I'm famous, you can tell everyone you had sex with me.
- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
- When I snap, you'll be the first one to go.
- When it hits the fan ... DUCK!
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
- Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
- While you're driving me wild, could we stop at the mall?
- Whip me, beat me, take away my charge cards.
- Whip me, spank me, and I'll love you forever.
- Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
- Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
- Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
- Will work for sex.
- Without geometry, life is pointless.
- Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
- Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
- You are a disgusting pervert. I like that in a person.
- You are depriving some village of an idiot.
- You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- You can't piss me off; I'm on Prozac.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- You have the right to remain silent; so please shut up!
- You just don't get it, do you?
- You know you've been doing far too much with HTML when you can't figure out how to insert a table into Word, so you write code for one.
- You look like shit. Is that the style now?
- You! Off my planet!
- You! Out of the gene pool!
- You remind me of opium: A slow working dope.
- You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing!
- You're just jealous because the voices talk to me.
- You're just lucky I'm invisible today!
- You're standing on my imaginary friend.
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
- Here's to you, as good as you are. Here's to me, as bad as I am. And as good as you are, and as bad as I am, I'm as good as you are, as bad as I am.
- There is the love a beautiful lady,
There is the love of a staunch young man.
There is the love of a sunset and sunrise,
All of which have existed since time began.
But perhaps the strongest of loves,
The love of all loves,
Greater than the love a baby has for it's mother...
Is the purest, deepest, unconditional love,
...of one dead drunk for another."
