* "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder 'What was I thinking?'"

* "Congratulations on your Wedding Day!  Too bad no one likes your wife."

* "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

* "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.  After having met you, I've changed my mind."

* "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.  I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."

* "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

* "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

* "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me.  Like the need for therapy..."

* "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!  I never knew what evil was before this!"

* "Congratulations on your promotion.  Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back?  You'll probably need it again."

* "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

* "Happy Birthday!  You look great for your age...  Almost lifelike!

* "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.  Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

* "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.  So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

* "We have been friends for a very long time.  What say we call it quits?"

* "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

* "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.  Did you ever find out who the father was?"

* "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you alot and think of you often."

* "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."

* "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Kentucky)

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