To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect anybody as President and thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, including New Jersey.  (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.)  Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.  Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

* Look up "Revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary ($75).  Then look up "aluminium".  Check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.  Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  Look up "vocabulary".  Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form ofcommunication.  Look up "interspersed".

* Start spelling English words correctly.  i.e. favour, colour, through, finalise, itemise, etc.

* Pronounce words correctly i.e. route as root.

* There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

* Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

* Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.

* You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.  It really isn't that hard.

* Declare war on Quebec and France using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.  The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.  The Russians have never been the bad guys.

* You should stop playing American "football".  There is only one kind of football.  What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.  The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.  You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.  (Start calling "soccer" football.)  Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.  It is a difficult game.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).  We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

* You should re-learn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.  We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

* Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.

* Refer to faucets as taps, wrenches as spanners, hoods as bonnets, trucks as lorries, trunks as boots, pants as trousers, elevators as lifts, diapers as nappies, sidewalks as pavements etc.

* Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately.  All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for your own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

* Enjoy warm flat beer and steak & kidney pudding.  Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat.

* July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  This has been replaced with November 8th, but only in England.  It will be called "Indecisive Day".

* All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.

* Report to our Consulate General in NY - M. Wragg - for your new passport and job allocation.

* Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews Bedchamber.

* Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the Queen's Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.

* Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due.  (backdated to 1776)

* Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation, and stop saying "Have a nice day!"

My dear chaps,

Just a note to let you know how much we enjoy hearing from our client states.  Everything fine over there?  Water pressure all right?  Ah, good.

Your kind offer is much appreciated -- I showed it 'round the office here and everyone appreciated it quite a bit -- but I'm afraid we really must decline.  Truthfully, we were all rather disturbed by the whole Tony Blair thing and were hoping that if we delayed selecting a President for a bit, that you might come up with your own Prime Minister this time.

We apologize about the football misunderstanding.  It was thought that you might be ready for a game involving hands, and counting above three.  Alas, soccer has not seized the public imagination here, as the average sports fan has proven to be uninterested in a sport in which so little is accomplished that the spectators must brawl with each other to stay awake.

Americans, by the way, do not drive American cars; we drive Japanese cars.  Have you met the Japanese?  Wonderful folks.  Perhaps the Japanese and your Germans could work together; it sounds like they have some of the same ideas.

We regret that the French are causing you trouble, but we have a policy about not interfering in intramural disputes.  This is what we gave you the EU for.

We are certainly grateful for the contributions you have made toward our language; I myself am especially fond of "stroppy" and "knackered."

We do hope that you will continue to export the highlights of your charming little culture - such as Oasis, Harry Potter, and Are You Being Served.

Anyway, thanks again for writing.  Let us know how the job hunt goes.

Signed,
A citizen, not subject, of the Greatest Nation on Earth.