You will walk in on your parents having sex and be traumatized for life. 
Your valentine has given you candy and you will choke on it and die. 
'A bird in the hand can be messy.' 
You will be get "noticed" at an upcoming Halloween Party. Be careful how you dress! 
You will be eaten by a large, hairy monster and will die an agonizing death in its digestive enzymes. Have a nice day. 
Your mom will walk in on you while you're masturbating 
You will never get the smell of elderberries out of your hair
You will fall in a puddle of crap and have to swim your way out!!!! 
You will die a firey death, if you're lucky 
"Confuscious say he who go to bed dreaming of chocolate pudding wake up with spoon in butt" 
TODAY WILL BE THE DAY YOU FALL DOWN THE STAIRS AND SNAP TOUR NECK 
You will be involved in a freak accident involving a bicycle chain and hanging parts of your genitalia. Enjoy! 
You will be involved in a freak gardening accident involving a lawnmower, two pounds of lard and a large ladies' corset
Today you will go up in flames in a misfortunate mishap with a blow torch. 
Some dude will rape your dog tonite 
Not only will you die today, but your also going to finally fall in love. 
You will be tied to a chair & be forced to listen to every New Kids On The Block song in existance.
Your hard drive will CRASH losing all your past Federal tax forms. 
You will not win the lottery this week. 
People are "dying" to meet you...job opportunity at local cemetary. 
"Men are like dogs, always pushing their nose up your crotch"
"Someday your ship will come in....but you'll be at the airport."
"Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to do anything! 
One day a great idea will hit you, and it will be a Mack Truck.
Men are like jack o lanterns, all the cute ones are taken or thier brains are scooped out! 
You will contract a disease for which the cure is so expensive that you will die of poverty. 
You will be killed in a bizarre eyebrow waxing accident.
If you do anything bad today you will be forbidden to hell
YAN-MIN HU WILL HEADBUTT YOU INTO THE GROUND. HE ALSO HAS BIG EARS. 
YOU WILL OVERCOME YOUR TOE-SUCKING FETIS
After working out at the gym you will drop the soap in the shower, and you will be a changed man forever. 
You're gonna choke on your food tonight. Little did you know that that seemingly delicious morsel of meat was that little bullfrog you dissected in biology lab. 
You will sue your wife for removing your gentalia only to be referred to small claims court. 
You will try to divorce your wife, only to find out that she'll always be your sister. 
An invisible rabid woodchuck will soon bite your butt, so don't turn your back on things you can't see this week. 
You will discover that you have been used as a living experiment by the Ministry of Silly Walks and your friends have been laughing about you behind your back for the past six months.
Look around you. Your significant other has just left you, your boss told you that you are a waste of skin immediately before firing you, and your pet rock has rebelled against you. You should make haste to the nearest cliff and drive off the top of it. Your life sucks!
