Only in America...
Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions filled while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.
Do people order a double chesseburger, large fries, and a diet
soft drink.
Do we leave cars wroth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.
Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a phone call from someone we
didn't want to talk with in the first place.
Do we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 and buns in packages of 8.
Do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so
well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics"
meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Do we have drive-up ATMs with Braille lettering.
And did you ever wonder...
Why you never see the headline: Psychic Wins Lottery?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitos?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
Why you have to click on "start" to stop Windows 98?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor and dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush
hour?
It's a Tough Life...
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Wanted--meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beer--it's not just for breakfast anymore.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
IT IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Consciousness--that annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again.
Beer--the reason I get up each afternnon.
If you think I'm a bitch, wait until you meet my mother.
Is life worth living? That depends on the liver.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
I'm out of bed and dressed--what more do you want?
Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
Welcome to S--- Creek. Sorry, we're out of paddles.
Marriage is not a word but a sentence.
For people who like peace and quiet--get a phoneless cord.
Only dead fish swin with the stream.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.