Start of my fabulous forwardsA bunch of fowards to get your day off on the right foot!
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Country vs. Country
Canada Rocks! LOCAL SPORTS The Games were ours Canadian cool ruled at XIX Winter Olympics JACK TODD Montreal Gazette Tuesday, February 26, 2002 CP Which shade of medal do you prefer? Short-track speed-skater Marc Gagnon of Chicoutimi shows off his three medals - two gold and a bronze - to media and fans at the Calgary International Airport, where Canadian Olympic athletes arrived from Salt Lake City yesterday. Canadian? Cool. Or perhaps it should be: Canadian cool. Face it. For the duration of the XIX Olympic Winter Games, the hottest thing in Salt Lake City has been that big cold country up north. From Roots to Salé and Pelletier, from the short track to the loony buried under centre ice, from the Barenaked Ladies to the Tragically Hip, from "eh" to "aboot," we're so cool we're practically frozen. When eight different U.S. reporters came up to me after Sunday's men's hockey gold-medal game to ask how to spell the name of that thing Wayne Gretzky was holding up after Canada's gold-medal hockey triumph, I knew something was going on. "L-o-o-n-y," I said. No, said Christie Blatchford of the National Post, it's "l-o-o-n-i-e." "What is it, anyway?" Bill Plaschke of the Los Angeles Times wanted to know, "some kind of coin?" "A 62-cent Canadian coin, gold in colour if not substance. Bearing an image of the coolest bird on the planet, the Great Northern Diver, also known as the loon. Hence, our loony loonie." Cool. When a USA Today reporter clambered off the bus Sunday evening lugging a shopping bag the size of a Volkswagen full of Roots gear, it became official: Canada was cool. "How long did you wait to get into that store?" somebody asked him. "Not long. Only half an hour. But I went at 7 a.m." Now that's cool. Personally, I have a problem with standing in line at any hour of the day to give someone my money. But if U.S. reporters are doing it, it must be cool. What a switch. Canada hasn't been cool since Maggie Trudeau was photographed hanging around the Rolling Stones without her Victoria's Secrets. Since Pierre was dating Babs. That was Canada's moment in the sun. Once Pierre Trudeau was no longer prime minister, we went back to being about as cool as Bob Stanfield trying to kick a football. We were the nation of beavers and ice. Joe Clark and Stockwell Day. The stiffs who said no when the Turks and Caicos islands wanted to become part of Canada. The country so boring, even David Duchovny didn't want to hang with us - and he acts like he's been dead for the past 20 years. Now figure skaters Jamie Salé and David Pelletier are on Leno. Blue Roots berets are the cool U.S. symbol. J. Lo is getting a maple-leaf tattoo on her famous bottom. OK, I made that last one up. But you get the point. The sex symbol of the Salt Lake City Games? Catriona LeMay Doan. The biggest individual stars? Salé and Pelletier. Everybody's favourite Olympic royalty? Mr. and Mrs. Wayne Gretzky. Fourth in the medals total, ahead of Russia and Austria? Canada. The country that beat the United States in both men's and women's hockey? Canada. For the duration of this Olympics, Canada was so cool that it seemed every local TV station did the obligatory This Hour Has 22 Minutes bit, trying to find an American who could name the capital of Canada. "Toronto." "Montreal." "Vancouver." "Gee, uh, I don't know." Like, duh. It's Washington, D.C., you fools. No matter how much sovereignty we've lost, no matter how little our little loony is worth - we're cool. For a while. We'd better enjoy it while it lasts, because come Athens in 2004, Canada will win six medals and three of them will be in trampoline. Next to the Brazilians, the South Africans and the Aussies, we'll be about as cool as Sally Rehorick listening to hip-hop. But this was Canada's Olympics, no matter how many medals the United States racked up. They won things like half-pipe and bobsled. We won stuff like hockey. Their biggest star, Michelle Kwan, crashed and burned.Our biggest star, LeMay Doan, won another gold medal. We had more press conferences than they did. They got their team hats from us. Marc Gagnon won more gold medals than Apolo Anton Ohno. Did I mention that our men's hockey team waxed their men's hockey team, 5-2? That it could have been worse had the best hockey player on the planet not missed a shot that any 8-year-old in Quebec buries with his eyes closed? Cool. And the coolest part of all might be Gretzky's yarn. It has that fairy-tale quality. The magic coin hidden away in the ice, casting its spell day and night as the tournament unfolds. A coin so powerful that even that U.S. sorceress, referee Stacey Livingston, couldn't undo its 62-cent magic, not even when she called eight straight penalties on our brave Canadian warrior women. The coin that brought the men's hockey gold back where it belongs. The magic talisman dug out of the ice and destined for the Hockey Hall of Fame in a proud nation to the northern. A fairy tale. Cool. | |
Just Plain old stuff
Here are some of my favorite funny forwards everyone should have!! Computer Problems !! "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you." "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Wordperfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type, it just won't accept." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV." "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall" "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power failure." "A power............a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too good damn stupid to own a computer." Hahahaha!!!!! Canada vs. the US of A A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American." Forward this to other Proud Canadians!!! I AM CANADIAN!!! That was original. The Party One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up off the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money." No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house." Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes." Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?" "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later?" "I don't want the cars or the planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls." The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!" "I want the b*****d that pushed me in." HOW TO TELL THE GENDER OF A FLY A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." LOL The Smile Bug SMILING is infectious, You catch it like the flu When someone SMILED at me today, I started SMILING too I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin When he SMILED, I realized I'd passed it on to him. I thought about that smile, then realized its worth, A single SMILE just like mine could travel 'round the earth. So if you feel a SMILE begin, don't leave it undetected. LET'S START AN EPIDEMIC QUICK AND GET THE WORLD INFECTED! KEEP THE SMILE GOING BY SENDING THIS ON TO A FRIEND Everyone needs a smile !! Daddy DADDY Her hair up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied with a bow. Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go. But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home. Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone. But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say. What to tell her classmates, on this Daddy's Day. But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone. And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home. But the little girl went to school, eager to tell them all. About a dad she never sees, a dad who never calls. There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet. Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats. One by one the teacher called, a student from the class. To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed. At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare. Each of them were searching, for a man who wasn't there. "Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call out. "She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout. And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say, "Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day." The words did not offend her, as she smiled at her friends. And looked back at her teacher, who told her to begin. And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak. And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique. "My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away. But I know he wishes he could, be with me on this day. And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know. All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so. He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike. He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite. We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone. And though you cannot see him, I'm not standing all alone. 'Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart I know because he told me, he'll forever be here in my heart" With that her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest. Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress. And from somewhere in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears. Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years. For she stood up for the love, of a man not in her life. Doing what was best for her, doing what was right. And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd. She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud. "I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star. And if he could he'd be here, but heaven's just too far. But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away." And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day. And to her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise. A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes. Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside. Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side. "I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called out. And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt. Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed. But there placed on her desktop, was a beautiful fragrant pink rose. And a child was blessed, if only a moment, by the love of her shining bright star. And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far. :( | |
Just Plain old stuff
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