Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if vegtables smelled as good as bacon.

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That bad news travels fast ~ good news takes the scenic route.

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Middle age is when you wish you could  have some of the naps you refused to take as a child.

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A diet is a plan for putting off tomorrow what you put on today.

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Sex is like social security... By the time you get it, you wonder if it was worth waiting for.

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When a butterfly flaps his wings..is he excercising ?

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That I always pick the wrong line at that bank, at the store, in fact everywhere.

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Plastic surgery means cutting your credit cards in half.

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That no matter how many frogs I kiss..
I only get warts..

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The difference between a chef and a cook are the fancier entree names.

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Every dog has its' tree.

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If you get new body parts, such as new kneecaps, new hip replacements, you still can't deduct years from your age.

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That they don't put expiration dates on your clothes, so you never know when they  go out of style.

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That I tend to start laughing at the wrong moment {like in church} and then I get
"them dar eyes"
and no matter how hard I try to stop laughing it gets worse..

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I really don't understand karate..
like when was the last time you were attacked by a piece of wood ?