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past articles from 1/24/05
RPNN SPORTS SHORTS 7 (Special NHL Lockout Segment)
By, Paul Mann (Editor and Weirdo)
NHL Self help groups arise in crisis.
As the questionable existence of a new NHL season looms, many puck loving
fans turn to different ways to cope with their missing passion. Some turn
to other sports, a few attend minor league events, there remain those
who run around like screaming ninnies and now a new help appears in the
form of self help groups. Similar to a bunch of repeat AA offenders (Blood
and Ice their booze), a few poor saps in cities across the USA seek the
compassion of their fellow stick jockeys. Most meetings begin with the
usual “Hi my name is Jack Klaviskorinsky and I’m a Bruins Fan…. (Could
be others…Avalanche,Rangers,Redwings..)” and ends with a bunch of outwardly
macho guys blubbering as if they had lost their brother in a snowmobile
accident. Either way fans push on hoping their suffering will end soon
so they can go on bickering about a bunch of guys who make more money
than they will ever see.
Old man drops love of hockey for health
and exercise.
A certain elderly gentleman from Green Bay, Wisconsin recently made a
decision that sparked at least a dozen outcries from his community. Bernie
Wellsman, in a spur of the moment decision, stood up in a midst of a NHL
lockout depression and decided to get on with his life and put aside his
love of hockey. His wife, Ethel, who seemed shocked at her husband leaving
his crumbling easy chair, quickly rushed to the phone to call a few of
Bernie’s friends. The story of Bernie quickly spread a few blocks and
soon several hockey fans (maybe a sports bar full) decided to take action.
A local Bar owner Henry Gibbers angrily approached our office saying “I
can’t believe the bum! He gets up all easy like, runs out of the house
and leaves a perfectly smelly chair and TV. It’s an act against god I
tells ya.” Henry thought about approaching Wellsman to snap him out of
it, but he said he needed to go and fill up the peanut bowl again. Whether
or not God feels if the action is worthy of a good smite, Bernie himself
feels great. “I don’t know what all the fuss is about, these cheese heads
think I’m nuts. You know, I feel so good I may try out for a Broadway
musical” Bernie stated. Bernie quickly laughed nervously hoping not to
show his love for tight pants and high notes. Fans of outlying communities
may want to drink a few beers to recover, for who knows what some other
wacko with common sense will do next.
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