Sports

RPNN Sports Talk
Lance Armstrong
By, Paul Mann (Editor and Weirdo)

Paul: Hello sports world and welcome to RPNN Sports Talk, a show where we take a different look at what issues top the day. I’m Paul Mann, your host, and today we are going inside the exciting world of cycling. What better way to enter this realm than to interview the man who represents the best of it, Lance Armstrong. I’d like to welcome Mr. Armstrong to our studio. (Lance walks out of the waiting area waving to the crowd as he heads over to his seat next to the hosts desk. Massive applause is erupting and Mr. Armstrong waves a few times before having a seat) Welcome Lance to RPNN Sports Talk, It’s great to have you here with us today.
Lance: It’s great to be here, love the crowd. (A few more cheers)
Paul: Indeed. I must say it is quite an honor to have someone who has set the standard for the world of cycling. Your presence here, what you have accomplished, and your strength of will truly humbles all of us.
Lance: Well thank you very much Paul, I am very proud of what I have done myself.
Paul: Well I must say you have truly impressed a lot of people and have proven that no matter how down you are you can pick yourself up and keep going. What do you think gave you the most motivation to win this record sixth Tour de France?
Lance: Wow, there are so many things I can attribute. I’d say mostly my family and my girlfriend Sheryl Crow.
Paul: That’s wonderful. Now I’m sure the recent divorce must have at least been in the back of your mind throughout the whole ordeal.
Lance: Oh absolutely, but both my ex-wife and me believe that this is the best thing for both of us.
Paul: I’m sure. It seems unfortunately that some people believe that you used steroids or performance enhancers to help you win your races. I’d say you are ready to put that all behind you.
Lance: Yes. It is unfortunate that some people can’t accept the fact that I defeated cancer and came back all on my own will power.
Paul: I agree, which is why I am going to ask about a matter that has not surfaced. Have you ever used cybernetics to help you win a race?
Lance: Excuse me?
Paul: Cybernetics or rather robotic enhancements. You know, a little wire here…a sheet of metal there….one or two fusion generators.
Lance: No, I don’t know. What are you talking about?
Paul: Oh come now Mr. Armstrong, you know exactly what I am talking about. You must have had some sort of mechanized assistance to give you the much-needed boost.
Lance: Look, I don’t know where you got your sources, but this is a tad ridiculous.
Paul: Really? You didn’t like have a little muscle zapper inserted in each leg to give you the properly conditioned muscles? Or perhaps you had a small chip inserted in your brain to give you increased will power.
Lance: No! Where are you getting these silly ideas?
Paul: Silly? Silly ideas? Was the bionic man a silly idea? What about inspector gadget? Would you stoop so low as to call the terminator silly?
Lance: Those aren’t even legitimate examples. You are just mentioning movies and TV shows.
Paul: Well it certainly is not steroids. Those would make you more of a Richard Simmons than an Incredible Hulk. You mean there is no way that you even had any cybernetic enhancements what so ever?
Lance: No, not any chance at all.
Paul: How about nanotechnology?
Lance: Look, this is getting way too out of hand. I’d better leave.
Paul: No, no Lance. I’m sorry, it’s my fault. First time interviewing an influential sports star. Please give me another chance.
Lance: All right. I’ll let it slide.
Paul: Thank you. Now about having on testicle, does that hamper your ability at all?
Lance: Do what!?
Paul: Well does it like hamper your ability to perform at your best? Does it add wind resistance to the remaining side?
Lance: That’s it, this interview is over. (Walks off the set)
Paul: Lance!! Lance! I didn’t even ask if he had to train leaning to one side….. Well I guess we will have to wait until the next interview. Until next time sports fans this is RPNN Sports Talk, keeping it odd about the way you play.