Sports

RPNN Sports Shorts
By, Paul Mann (Editor and Weirdo)

Scottish Rugby Player claims to have jock itch that resembles Sean Connery

Strange and grotesque news has come out of the heart of Scotland regarding a player with a unique irritation that resembles a well known movie star. The inflamed crotch is rumored to resemble that of James Bond fame, Sean Connery. Willie “Itchy Fingers” Magee of the Flaming Scotts has garnered a very unusual amount of attention to his infected area. When questioned as to how any mortal being of this earth could let such a disgusting habit occur, Willie said, “Well Laddie, it’s really quite simple. When others wash, I don’t and I don’t change me kilt for a month either. Wanna whiff?” RPNN sports officials were none to keen to see if the stories had any credibility and when Mr. Magee questioned as to whether we believed him or not, we promptly let him know we’d take his word for it.

Texas A&M officials ban Armadillo Bowling.

A movement two or three weeks in the making has finally been put down by top officials at Texas A&M University. Apparently, a sport that could have been heralded as the next big Aggie activity will not be allowed anywhere on campus grounds. A lot of really bored students could not believe the results and almost protested. Local frat Happy Kappa Pi leader Jimmy Sutherland responded to the decision saying “I can’t believe they took away my favorite sport. Now me and Billy Bob will jest have to stick with Hedgehog Tennis.” Of course, Billy Bob may have to yet again find another sport if the people for the eating of tasty animals win their case over playing with live food. When officials were questioned regarding the outcome they released the following statement: “It has come to our attention that the sport of Armadillo Bowling is not suitable for the main student body. The Armadillos, Long horn fans used as bowling pins and the fingers of our students must be allowed the proper level of safety.” Most of the Student body was not available for comment today, as a result of another badly built bonfire than had collapsed on top of the school mascot.