Sports

RPNN SPORTS SHORTS
By, Paul Mann (Editor and Weirdo)

Football fan watches 1,000,000th Beer Commercial.

Jerry Grundheimer (76) of Casper, Wyoming celebrated what he believed was a rare milestone in the life of a couch potato this past Sunday. Loafers of the sofa apparently have a habit of kicking their final field goal at the ripe age of fifty, when all human life has given up on their spacious posteriors. Mr. Grundheimer has seen his 1,000,000th beer commercial, which tops the previous record of 900,000, set by Jake Baggins (64) of Biloxi Mississippi who later choked on a Pringles lid. Surviving family members and friends were temporarily shocked and then became indifferent on the matter, engaging in their own lazy legacy.

Rattlesnake Wrestler Sued for Biting Snake.

In a strange twist of boredom and events, court officials of Little Rock, Arkansas were recently bombarded with 15 cases against a local rattlesnake wrestler, Jim Barnaby, who had a strange habit of biting his slithery opponents. At first, area residents apparently mistook the cases and thought a small batch of the snakes had come into contact with gamma radiation, mutating into super intelligent, commie reptiles, out to sue mankind. Sticking their noses into the fray as usual, animal rights group PETA who is actually heading the case, quickly cleared up the common misconception. PETA claims that Mr. Barnaby is directly endangering the snakes in an illegal act that must be halted immediately. Jim, feeling sorry for himself and wanting to come clean, offered to give up the snakes to the animal rights group as a settlement to the dispute. Several representatives of PETA, after running to their little glass boxes calmly stated that just giving up the snakes would not make them feel better, but stated that after speaking to a rattler a monetary amount was preferred.