Sports

Revelations in Tetherball Tragedy
By Grey Events

Several months ago Grey Sports reported on the Middle American Schoolyard tetherball disaster that claimed three lives. Now, after months of investigating, scapegoating and three sacrifices to the Dark God Marvin officials have found the true source, and shockingly, the true target of the attacks.
The world is stunned to hear that this incident was not actually aimed at United States citizens, thought that changes little for the victims, their families and survivors, the true target was apparently France.
Upon hearing this the French government vowed to stand firm in the face of terrorism aimed at them and enacted half a world away. Paraguay immediately told them to shut up, whereupon France seceded Marseilles to Japan.
The true perpetrator of the crime, as it turns out, is not Al Quaeda or Osama bin Laden. However the well known, now trademarked, terrorist was thought to be the source a mere few months ago. The sudden turn around has cause much of the public to wonder, as they do not like redirecting their anger, however misguided it is.
As it turns out the attack was so half assed that it could not have come from Al Quaeda, who take pride in their efficiency. The source was however a member of Osama bin Laden's family, which isn't exactly difficult since it's a huge family, second only to the Osmonds and Kennedys.
The mastermind behind this twisted plot is none other than Osama bin Laden's nephew George, named after a close family friend and business associate.
Fortunately George appears to be as half-witted as his namesake and about as competent as his father, who apparently attempted to make fortune mining for Ice Cubes in Jamaica using penguins, when everyone knows that the proper ice cube mining tools are elephants.
Never the less France has vowed to pursue the criminal with all their resources and slap him on the wrists until he apologizes or cries a little.
The United States, the nation that actually suffered the attack, has vowed to bomb George until there is nothing left of him wherever he may be and irrelevant of whatever nation he hides in says about it otherwise.
Even now teams scour the planet in the hunt for George and his Manhattan apartment, determined to bring so much blind retribution down upon him that terrorists will think twice about attempting to be so incompetent with their attacks.
The survivors of the tragedy are elated, but as one man said: "Does this mean I get a new leg?" Government officials have since cancelled all photo opportunities with this man until his mouth is surgically shut in the form of a smile.
Speaking from a Central Park bench where he was enjoying some lunch until the news hit him, George has been quoted as saying: "Oh great, they're going to impound my porche again aren't they?"