past articles from 1/26/03
Government Connection: Cats up trees?
By Grey Xphile
Here today I risk my life. Not just life and limb, but my very
identity with this story.
Here today I expose the horrible truth to the world. A horrible,
horrible truth that only a few of us have even dared considered
and talked about amoung ourselves.
I finally have proof positive of a stunning Government conspiracy
involving cats being stuck up trees.
I know what you're thinking, I'm a nut, I'm a crackpot, I'm someone
who smokes horsehair dipped in lead paint, I know you're thinking
it because everytime I've said it that is what someone has said
to my face.
But today the mockery stops. Today I have proof that the Government
is sticking cats up trees and leaving them there.
It has taken me fifteen years, a marriage and all contact with my
family but it has been worth it, this time I have irrefutable proof
of what those sickos in Washington are doing to cats.
I was patrolling the city in the Millennial Falcon (always loved
that pun) as usual when I heard a pitiful cry. And there it was,
a cat up in a tree!
There was a small crowd gathering, a little girl stared up crying,
my heart broke at the thought of what those Washington fat cats
were putting her through for their twisted plans.
An old woman moved to comfort her, telling the girl that she had
called the fire department and that they would soon be here to get
the cat out of the tree. My stomach wrenched at the thought of that
government stoolie playing her part in the campaign.
Remembering what I was there for I quickly pulled out my camera
and started taking pictures, ready in case this was the day when
those shadowy elements of our so-called Democratic Republic made
a mistake.
Sure enough along came those redoubtable firemen. Convenient how
they just turn up with just a "phone call"
So the fireman turn up, and I know that this is my chance. While
everyone else is watching the big, powerful heroes, I'm looking
around, watching for the Government man to run back to his masters
now that the job is done.
While everyone's backs are turned I keep looking, keep searching.
Then I see it, a shadowy something, I'm not sure what, but this
shadowy thing against a wall moved!
I couldn't quiet be sure what it was; it was quick and was soon
lost among the shadows of the washing blowing in the wind. I managed
a few quick shots with the camera, most were in conclusive, but
if you look closely enough, against the wall, behind the pants drying
on the washing line you can see the black outline of a pair of legs,
standing shock still, knowing that I caught them!
I quickly turned back, maintaining my cover as nothing more than
a reporter getting a run of the mill cat up a tree story. No government
conspiracy here, I'd say with my carefully constructed body language.
Of course, I was not about to be satisfied with just a picture of
a pair of legs, however great they were. I wanted more.
With that I walked right up to the head fireman and started asking
a few judicious questions. May as well try and earn a little money
from the governmental mouthpieces.
So here we have it, proof that the Government is deliberately putting
cats up trees. For what purpose? I cannot be sure. Maybe this was
why Kennedy was assassinated. Maybe this is what the Aliens want
us to do. Maybe it's the Atlantans, jealous of our trees and our
cats who are behind this.
Rest assured, that no matter what I shall not rest until I have
found the reason for these heinous acts and have bought them into
the public light for all to see.
Joels Moment
By Joel Simmons
Cloned children
Well hello fellow RPPers!
This is our first headline for rppn so lets make it a good one!
Many of you have surely heard a lot of hype about the cloned children.
Well if you ask me, it's a load of bs, but im sure there are a few
skeptics out there. The child that has allegedly been cloned was
born to a lesbian couple in Greenland. The cloners of this baby
were a group of dopey religious cultists who call themselves Raelians.
These guys border on the lines of your average person whom should
be locked away for many many years. A quote from their leader whose
name has been undisclosed "We believe that we were created
by extraterrestrial beings and then dropped here on earth. We have
mastered the art which created us, and are now following in their
footsteps." This baby that is being tested for the possibility
of being a cloned child, was riddled with problems when it was coughed
up. First of all it weighed only 2.3 pounds.
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