Entertainment

Past articles from 4/13/03

RPNN Behind The Tube: Fat Albert
By, Paul Mann (Editor and Weirdo)

Welcome back couch potato veterans of the world. Yes, we're here again to bring you yet another classic moment that will uncover another behind the scenes look of the tube and those who have achieved amazing popularity. This week we take you to sunny California where we interview our largest guest yet, Fat Albert from the hit cartoon series Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.

(Fat Albert is wheeled into the interviewing room complete with a paramedic team.)

Paul: Uh…oh my, should we really be doing this interview? Mr. Albert looks a little exhausted.
Fat Albert: (wheeze) Hey, Hey, Hey….it's ok…… (head slumps over on his shoulder.)
Paramedic: Clear!! **zzaaap**
FA: Uh…um, we can do this interview. Any thing for a fan.
P: Well, I've never really been one of your fans but you are and influential TV figure so I decided to get the inside look.
FA: (drooling a bit) Yeah…..
P: This probably goes against my better judgment, but are you ready to begin? (Fat Albert's head slumps over.)
Pa: Clear!! **zzzzzaaaaappp!!***
FA: Go ahead.
P: Right, well your show has been attributed to being a learning tool children can use to help themselves deal with daily to complex problems. What do you believe your show did to really influence children?
FA: We were a bunch of guys hanging out in the neighborhood.
P: Yes, I know that. But what made your show something that was good for kids?
FA: We had fun, that's what was important.
P: Nothing educational? I seem to remember somewhat of a moral in each episode.
FA: We learned to get along, pals….. (head slumps)
Pa: Clear!! **zzzzaaaaappp!**
FA: Yeah…..
P: (sigh) Ok, next question. On a related note there are many people who believe your show offered more negative influences than not. You seem to represent an unchecked overeating habit and your friends looked like they were really far from being educated. How do you feel about this?
FA: Swell. What's wrong with a few subs every now and again?
P: You do realize that children like to follow what they see. Why not promote good health?
FA: I'm not here to lose…only to gain….knowledge.
P: That doesn't really answer my question. What about the overweight kids? Don't you have a message to send them?
FA: Yeah, Joe's has the best burgers and fires in town. Mmmmmm mmmmm.
P: Obviously I'm not going to get a straight answer to that question. All right, What do you have to say about the lack of intelligence your crew represents? (Fat Albert's Head slumps again)
Pa: Clear!! ***zzzzaaaaappp!!**
FA: Hey hey you, I know two plus two.
P: What is it?
FA: 5.
P: I'm sorry that's incorrect. It's 4.
FA: Oh, oops.
P: You do realize that you haven't proved that your show offered anything worthwhile or beneficial.
FA: We were friends.
P: So you promoted friendship. You shortened the lifespan of your heavier fans and only reinforced those who couldn't read Dick and Jane.
FA: Hey that's not……..(slump)
P: Mr. Albert? Uh Albert?
Pa: Clear!! **zzzaaaaaapp!!** (no response) Again!! Clear!! **pzzzaaaaaappp!!!** Dang it, he's not responding. Again. Clear!! ***zzzzzaaaaaaaappppp*** (still no response. Long drawn out beep is heard.) That's it, I'm calling it. (Sheet is draped over Fat Albert)
P: Ahem, well I believe that ends the interview.

In the end nothing really came out of that interview except for a body bag. However, RPNN has witnessed yet another mind-tickling interview and information you may or may not have wanted to have known has been released. Anyhow, until we find another star to dig the secrets out of, this is Paul Mann for RPNN Behind the Tube.

Uprise

By, Joel Simmons

So I went to this dandy little business the other day called Uprise. It was a pretty neat place. It had a convenient location at the parks mall, in Arlington. So i'm just walking through the mall with Shirley, and we come across this dandy little place and in we go. The first thing I notice is that there aren't a whole lot of small children. No children means no crying and that is good. Then I notice a guy named john who approached me and says "is there anything I can help you with?" I replied no, and continued my window shopping. Then I noticed Shirley with a nice pair of shoes and she said " boy these are cool" so I reach over, took a big breath and looked at the price, that I knew will be dreadful. But then I see it, and then I breathe a sigh of relief, they're like 30 dollars. So I start looking around for a nice shirt and then I see it. A shirt with a panda on it, and a turd next to the panda. So I take the shirt and shoes to the counter and see john and John says "your total is 42.50." All I think is, wow, I just got a shirt and someone else some shoes for 40 dollars. (Cool) So in conclusion, Uprise is a cool place.