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World Cup to Stave Off Alien Invasion
By Cozmic

It is time for one of the largest sporting events in the world! A sporting event that only happens once every four years! No, not the Olympic Games, the FIFA World Cup. Dear god man, the things has already started, where do you live? Oh, like a 52nd of a light year away on a secret spaceship surveying Earth? Strange, then this article is actually going to be about you!

See, the organizers of the world cup know that maybe somewhere, aliens are watching, and while Single Female Lawyer is no longer on the air, odds are they are still watching. So the World Cup, being one of the largest sporting events, and thus, for some reason, one of the largest television happenings of the year is bound to draw quite some attention from potential alien invaders. Now, nobody likes being invaded by aliens. Even the hardly scary ones do things like blow up the White House, and that is a totally treasured monument!

So in order to give the World Cup some interstellar appeal, FIFA have decided to spice things up a lot. Players have been told to actually move towards the ball at a pace faster than a walk this time, as well as try and hit any potential saucers with the commonly misplaced kicks that shoot way over the goal. Plans to give all the players cool flight tubes around their wrists and ankles were however ignored because it could come off as too warlike. Plus it looked really, really silly and low-budget, like a crummy science fiction series. And aliens, it was assumed, have had quite enough of science fiction, being as how they're it. Minus the fiction part, obviously.

However, merely making the sport interesting (for once) isn't good enough, nor is showing off at least a fraction of the worlds different nations in an attempt to show them as some sort of coherent mass that does not want to murder everyone else (although this almost never happens in the countries that play soccer in the World Cup). There is the thing which allows these things to actually happen. Not ticket prices, of course, but advertising! Not only do NASA get a ton of advertising space, things like the game XCOM (which should in all reality have nothing to do with the old X-Com games) and Halo: Reach also get great deals, all in order to show how humanity could totally kick alien behind should they choose to invade. Because Earth will totally engineer super guys to star in overrated shooters and commit some serious genocide! And If not, 1950's dudes will show up and toss grenades of black goo before running like little girls!

It is nice to see FIFA trying to do their part to save the world, even preemptively so casualties can come much later after they have failed. Good job FIFA!

previous sports: Swedish teams know how to let fans down.

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