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Terrorist Applets
By Puns McKenna

With the release of the new iPhone, terrorist organizations were hoping for strong applets that would aid them in their endeavors to take over the world. Boy were they unpleasantly surprised.

Apple has remained purposefully true to the American dream. They’ve consistently refused to manufacture applets that allow one to nuke their friends and enemies. They’ve also “failed” to create applets that allow one to dirty bomb another.

This really puts a crimp in the style of the tech savvy terrorist of the 21st century. In order for them to get the techie-type terrorist devices that they need to complete their plans for total world domination. Unless they plan to kidnap a bunch of techie-types and force them to design special terrorist applets

The question becomes this. If these applets are created, would they really be useful in the real world? I would think that the applets would only be useful in a virtual environment. Though, I suppose that they could be useful training tools. Imagine a bunch of terrorists texting each other on how to blow up the perfect target. That might make life a little more dangerous, but personally I think that the applets will end up being more game-like than practical.

Practical terrorism seems to be outmoded these days. I mean it seems to me that the terrorists are grasping at straws with their attempt to find applets that will aid their cause. I could be wrong, but it must be frustrating to have to try to live in a technologically advanced world when all you want is to practice third-world ancientism.

What do I mean? It’s simple if you think about it. Terrorists all come from countries where Islam is big. Islamists live with values that are antiquated. Truth hurts doesn’t it? Okay, so they like the outdated ways that they’ve lived with for centuries. Nothing wrong with that per se, but it does beg the question… How are they supposed to get along in a technologically advancing world? There’s something to be said for traditions. Traditions are what kept people alive and different through the ages. Yet there comes a point when traditions are so old that they stagnate a civilization.

Not that there’s anything remotely civilized about terrorists. Their fundamental desire to make the enitre world believe what they believe is only the first way in which they are uncivilized. Their lack of knowledge about the technical world in which we all live is another way to show their lack of civility. Brute force and warmongering remind me of the stories I’ve read from the bible. Bullies and self-important jerks don’t make it very far. I give you Daniel and the Lion... or David and Goliath... the Pharisees and Jesus. In the end their days are numbered just like the rest of us.

Hey! Maybe what they can do is come up with an applet that will give them their 72 virgins without the necessity of them having to blow up the world to do it. If they can make games like Leisure Suit Larry, why can’t they make the an applet for the new iPhones that will appease the terrorists and make them happy too?

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